


only then

by juanpercen



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), M/M, Mentions of homophobia, Mild Angst, choreographer!yeonjun, conflicting taegyukai relationship, eventual characters development, idol!soobin, mild slow burn, read tw esp in chap 3, rekindling past relationship, yeonbin exes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:35:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 49,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25280968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juanpercen/pseuds/juanpercen
Summary: After years from the break up, Soobin meets Yeonjun again.(or in which, Soobin is an idol and Yeonjun just happens to be the choreographer for his latest comeback.)
Relationships: Choi Soobin & Choi Yeonjun, Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 37
Kudos: 258





	1. first note

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales and incidents are used in a fictitious manner. 
> 
> This story is unedited. It might have typographical and grammatical errors. Please bear with me, I'll get back to this after.
> 
> anyways, i hope you like this one. enjoy reading!

"Yo, what's up?" Soobin collapses on the soft cashmeres of the van's seat, wheezing from the run that he did just to avoid the swarming reporters and fans that were waiting for him in front of the hotel that they checked him in. 

"What do you mean what's up?" his manager, Minhyun gives him a pointed look and hands him a bottled water from the front seat as he takes in Soobin's state, his hair disheveled, shirt crumpled, the bags under his eyes more prominent, he looks exhausted and Minhyun can't help but be worried. He knows Soobin has been up all night even though the management gave him time to rest after the scandal broke out, he doubts Soobin gets a blink of sleep anyway. "What happened to you?" 

Soobin grumbles under his breathe and sinks further in his seat, "You know what happened."

"Yes, I do but that's not what I meant. I'm asking, what happened to _yo_ u? You look like shit, man," Minhyun grins when Soobin threw him a glare, throwing his hands up in the air, surrendering.

"Just shut up, hyung. Anyway, how's my schedule today?" Soobin asks, turning his attention away from his manager.

"Tough," Minhyun answers, pulling away from the parking and driving away.

"Tough, huh," Soobin mumbles the word again, making a face. He gets his airpods from his pocket, plugging it in his ears, "I'm gonna rest, don't bother me."

Minhyun shakes his head, throwing one last glance to his artist. He's really worried. Soobin doesn't say much, he rarely expresses his feelings but Minhyun has always been able to see through him. The dating scandal probably took a toll to Soobin eventhough he never said it out loud. He's supposed to have his comeback two months from now but the management decides to withhold it for now, just until the scandal subsides, comeback date now tentative.

The scandal was so unexpected, Soobin have no idea how they were able to dispatch him. He didn't expect the media to tail him that night and concoct an article based on blurry images that they have taken. He should've seen it coming since media likes to plan exclusive news to released just as idols are preparing for a comeback.

(Soobin remembers the monsters that he used to fear under his bed and he wonders if they evolved to become what's known as the media today.)

So this is what really happened; He met this girl during a post-party after an award show, they flirted with each other _blah blah_ , parted, met up again, okay so turned out it wasn't just a one time thing because they met again (Soobin kind of understands this, in his defense no one really stops at once when it's him), they went out for a while, they weren't really serious about each so they decided to fuck it up and Soobin guessed that was how they broke up. It all happened in that particular order.

Soobin was a simple guy, really. So when the scandal suddenly blew up, he was just _okay_ and _so what,_ not until his comeback promotions got affected.

Turns out, the scandal was a pretty much big mess to deal with. He was linked with a girl group member, big name, big personality at that. It wasn't even true, well, kind of, since they really dated. Only for a while. It wasn't even all that fun for Soobin to be frank, the girl was nice and all but she wasn't really that worthy of this mess in Soobin's humble opinion. 

But Soobin, well, he may sound like an asshole half of the time but he truly believes he's got his heart in its right place and that he's a fully functional, matured, adult, thank you very much. So yeah, he's responsible for this. It was that thought, the only thing he got or realized or whatever from his supposed 'mediation' last night, with alcohol and cigarettes and all, you know. Because Soobin had become the kind of bastard who have parasitic dependency on bad things, because he's a bad guy who does bad things and what is it again he said earlier? Ah, turns out, his heart wasn't really in the right place.

Beneath his chest, there's no heart. Just black, ugly fog with thorns and claws and all that. Huh. That's a strange way to put it, but that's the truth, he thinks. He wasn't even a person anymore, he's just a Problem. A big fuck Problem with capital P.

You see, Soobin, he's a man of his words, his passion, determination. He doesn't waver, doesn't know how and when to give up. He used to think that's his asset, the good thing about him until it wasn't anymore. 

He wanted to be an idol since he was a child, it was his biggest dream so he pursued it until he bled. There came a time when he felt like giving up, but being an idol, it wasn't just his biggest dream, it was his dream for the longest time. At that point, it feels wrong to stop, so he didn't. 

He trained for 4 years, started at such a young age, just a skinny teenager who had something to prove. He watched himself lose baby fats and gain muscles, when he lost innocence and gain _what._

_What did you really gain, Soobin?_

Many things, he thinks. Like, his rookie awards, his best male solo artist awards, the titles, the fame, the image, the money. 

_I don't know,_ a voice in his head answers anyway.

Soobin doesn't waver. He's got this fiery feeling inside him so he continued. Despite having the critics' eyes on him, feeling naked with clothes on, because six years in the industry, he still have something to prove. To someone. Soobin wanted to show off how rich he was, how awesome life could be after losing himself and giving everything up. 

People said big ass parties with champagne towers and chocolate fountains make a person happy, so Soobin rinsed and repeated in all of those, and people said that he was happy. He was god fucking happy.

There was a fiery feeling within him and it burns him harder than any flame can. 

_What do you wish you had said?_

"We have to head back to the company to sort things out, meeting and all and then maybe meet the new choreographer," Minhyun explains, when it has become more apparent that Soobin wasn't really resting at all. He's just. Thinking. Minhyun can see that. 

"Fuck," he complains and shuts his eyes to nuzzle his head against the neck pillow with a sigh. 

"This is your second scandal already, in this year alone," Minhyun shrugs, "The management doesn't seem surprise anymore really, and the people too, I don't get why they even bother at this point. I mean, it's nothing they haven't handled before so they figured while waiting for the scandal to subside you should work on your next album already, although there's no clear date yet."

Soobin smirks, oddly finding what the older said kinda funny. Ah, it's really fun messing with people like that. "Right," he nods.

"Anyway, I'm really going to rest now. For real. Don't bother me or I'll shut your mouth myself next time," Soobin warns, winking at his manager through the rareview mirror.

Minhyun laughs, loud and boisterous, "Oh, feisty."

Soobin smiles. The first real one after so many days. It's never been so easy to be with Minhyun.

* * *

"You're sober, right?" Minhyun asks before they enter the building. He scoffed when he saw Soobin rolling his eyes at him.

"That's the third time you asked and this is the third time I'll answer yes. And no, Minhyun, don't fucking smirk, it's not funny. It's annoying," Soobin walks ahead of his manager. His head held up high when people start to look at him, scrutinizing gazes fell on him the moment he entered Bighit's main building. 

Ah, Minhyun's words. Right. Why do people even bother at this point. What are they surprise for. 

Soobin only shakes his head and whistles, he even puts a show of whistling while walking. Laughing to himself when some of the staffs shake their heads seeing him. Ha, they're always fun to mess with. Soobin wonders what he should do to annoy them more.

Minhyun nudges him from the side but when Soobin looks at him, he doesn't really look annoyed, he just looked amused. 

"You have to attend the meeting first by the way," Minhyun informs him.

Soobin pouts, a whine ready at the tip of his tongue when Minhyun beats him to it, "It's necessary, your presence is needed there, c'mon, don't be a baby."

"What, fuck you, no," Soobin laughs, playfully punching Minhyun on the arm, "It's boring there, don't wanna."

* * *

"Minhyun," Soobin whispers, leaning heavily on Minhyun, though his voice isn't really hushed, "It's fucking boring."

Minhyun shoots him a glare when the staff addressing the scandal suddenly stopped speaking, looking wide-eyed at Soobin. Actually, it's not just him. Everyone looked at Soobin, with all their suits and ties glory. 

Okay, fine, that wasn't really a whisper. And it wasn't really so professional of him. But Soobin, unlike what he's been saying to Minhyun since earlier, wasn't really all that sober. He's petty right now, that's what he is.

"Mr. Choi, you've caused a big problem to the company, a scandal! For the second time, this year, just this year. We are swarmed with calls and we're trying hard to keep all your endorsements for the next month liable, the least you can do is actually listen--"

Soobin closes his eyes and massages his temples. He doesn't want to listen to this right now, he's so fucking annoyed. When he was just about to retort something, because, well, he's petty like that, someone walked in that caused all the staffs to stand up and bow their heads. When Soobin turned to look, it was Bang Sihyuk, ah, of course, the chairman's here.

"Let's dismiss this meeting for now, I'd like to talk to Mr. Choi alone," the man addresses kindly.

Before leaving, Minhyun gives him a look that screams 'be in your best behavior or else.'

Soobin sighs. It's gonna be a long day.

And a long talk.

When it's just the two of them, Soobin stands up and bows. He respects Sihyuk Pd-nim like his father, of course he will be at his best behavior.

When he was a trainee, BigHit wasn't really a big company just yet. It was just, there. Sihyuk Pd-nim was one of the few people who believed that he can climb the top. He was the one who raised him to be the respected artist he is now (although not so much earlier), he was the one who pointed Soobin his path, who scolded him when Soobin can't even believe in himself anymore, who constantly tells him to do better, who, even from how far Soobin has come today, would not even say he's proud of Soobin just yet.

SiHyuk Pd-nim was everything good and bad in Soobin's memory. He was a father, he was a teacher, he was arrogant, and greedy and sumptuous. He pushed Soobin when he said he can't do it anymore and it was something he's both grateful and regretful of.

They never said it but the industry-- it was a gamble. And Big Hit was a business and Choi Soobin was one hell of a product.

* * *

Life is so fucking stupid. It couldn't get stupider than this. Soobin sighs when he entered his friend's studio, seeing his familiar face beaming at him when the younger spots him.

He looks stupid with that bandana, Beomgyu what the fuck.

Soobin tells him that.

Beomgyu just pouts at him, smacking the artist at his chest then immediately wrapping his arms around the older, "But Soobin hyung! Admit it, you missed my handsome face."

"Why the fuck would I? Your face still looks stupid as ever," Soobin hugs the younger back, ruffling his hair.

"Well, unlike you, you look like shit!"

"Wow, thanks."

"That's the truth! What happened to you?" Beomgyu scolds him, dragging him to make him sit at the couch.

When Soobin opts to speak, Beomgyu smacked him again, this time at his head.

"What the fuck, Beomgyu!"

"Now answer me!"

"I'm your hyung, kid."

"That's not the answer I need."

"No! But it means, respect me!"

"You're not my dad," Beomgyu retorts.

"Except I am. Respect, kid!" 

Beomgyu sighs, standing up and throwing a bottled water at Soobin, all the while looking so done. 

Soobin doesn't know if he should laugh or be offended.

"Anyways, back to business. We're already through recording your songs since last two weeks ago, so the only thing you need to work on now is the choreography. I already sent a copy of your songs to your manager by the way, as expected they are amazing, gonna top the charts, I'm sure."

Soobin wonders how easily it is for Beomgyu to be so child-like and then professional the next second. 

"Yeah, figured."

"Hyung," Beomgyu calls.

Soobin throws him a look, creasing his brow at his direction, "What?"

"Stop running. If you're tired, rest. No one's gonna hold it against you."

( Sihyuk's voice sounds taunting, "If you're not what people expect you to be, if you stop living up to your reputation, then who are you? Who will care?" )

Beomgyu looks, _looks_ at him. Soobin wonders what Beomgyu sees in him. 

When another staff enters the studio, Soobin takes it as his cue to leave, nodding his head and laughing it off as he pats the younger's head before he exits.

"Don't worry about hyung too much, Beomgyu."

* * *

  
Soobin does not go to meet the choreographer. He doesn't think he can deal with anything right now. What he wants right now is sleep, rest. And maybe, a time alone so that he can be pathetic. Cry a little. Ah, no he won't.

He's fine. He's good.

Soobin doesn't even try to contact Minhyun.

He just grabbed his car keys, drove to his home, no, not home, he lost that a long time ago already. He went to his condo. Showered. Sat at his balcony, drank, slept.

He didn't cry. He didn't think.

_What do wish you had said?_

* * *

When Soobin arrived at the company building around noon, his phone still off, he easily found Minhyun at the canteen.

Soobin salutes him when Minhyun spots him. Laughing aloud when his manager kicked him at his shin the moment he sat across him, he guesses, he deserved that.

"I'm Choi Soobin, The Choi Soobin and yet people here treat me like shit, you all surely don't know how to treat a god," Soobin jokes lightly, his face crunch making an appearance.

"You're not a god, fuck off. You little shit, you didn't even messaged me where you went last night, I almost went nuts," Minhyun scolds him, all the while pointing his chopsticks at him. It was so comical, Soobin would've laughed if he wasn't so busy feeling guilty.

Of course, Minhyun got worried. He must've looked for him all night. The thought only adds a heavier weight in his chest. Plus, he was supposed to meet the choreographer yesterday. He ditched the meeting without even giving a heads up to his manager.

Wow, Soobin is such an asshole.

"You fucking do know what shit you did yesterday, right? You were supposed to meet--"

"Yes, yes, I know," Soobin rolls his eyes, "I'm here now, am I not? This is the main reason why there is something called present. Don't indulge in the past. What's in the past is past!"

Soobin cackles when Minhyun gives him a scandalised look, pointing his dirty chopstick at him again, "Don't fucking sway me with your quotes, Choi Soobin! And don't be dramatic, it's just yesterday, what are you saying past."

Soobin shrugs, "Well, you get the drill. Anyway, I'm here now, let's meet him."

"You're very aware that you ditched a very important person, right?"

"What important person? I am the important person here," Soobin says with his whole chest.

"Could you atleast get your head out of your ass for once? Your supposed choreographer was a big man, no, not literally, shut up Soobin, I'm serious," Soobin nods mockingly, grinning widely, "He's a big personality. I heard, he's from, like, US or somewhere, chief choreographer of a dance studio which is very famous apparently, I don't know the particulars though. But you get the point right."

"Yup," Soobin crosses his arms.

Huh, that's interesting.

"And you ditched him," Minhyun says as a matter of fact.

"Yeah, and?"

"God, why am I stuck with you," Minhyun says exasperatedly.

Soobin giggles, standing up. He pats his manager's shoulders while squaring his up, "As I said earlier, I'm here now. Let's go."

Minhyun groans.

* * *

Life works in a funny way, Soobin thinks. It's unpredictable and totally annoying. One second he's fine, doing good, then the next he's not, like the universe is pulling a prank on him, testing how long could he be stretched thin. Like the universe find it boring when he's doing good and find it funny when he's feeling like shit. Like looking at an ant dying in a microscope and laughing at the misery of it. Life really likes to fuck him, Soobin thinks he should moan.

"So, where's he?" Soobin asks as they head to the dance building and adds, "Or she?" as an afterthought.

"It's a he, and you know, yesterday he looked so pissed I thought he would null the contract anytime," Minhyun says.

Soobin furrows his brows. Well, it's on him. The man must've been not used by being ditched if he's really some high, glorified choreographer. He imagines how the man would look like, probably a big, bulky man.

"But did he?"

"He didn't," Minhyun sighs, like he cannot believe it himself.

Soobin snorts, "Exactly, he didn't, so," he winks at his manager.

Minhyun rolls his eyes at him.

As he was just about to enter Dance Studio C when his manager squints his eyes at him, "Don't do anything stupid."

"Can't promise," Soobin singsongs.

When he entered, a man-- young man with striking blonde hair (oh wow, such a bold color) stands meters away from them. He wasn't facing them, but Soobin can see that he's got his earphones plugged in his ears, the man's body moving along the beat, not really dancing, but it's enough for him to think that his moves are clean and sharp.

"That's him?"

Soobin thought he looks young for such glorified title.

Minhyun nods, walking towards the man-- the choreographer and tapping his shoulders lightly to get his attention.

When the man turns back, Soobin got his breath knocked out.

Panic crashes him like a riptide, he forgets how to swim.

"Soobin, this is Yeonjun, Choi Yeonjun, he'll be working with you for your album's choreography," Minhyun introduces him.

Soobin paid him no mind, his body stiff, staring wide-eyed at the man, no, Yeonjun. At Yeonjun.

Oh fuck, Yeonjun. Choi fucking Yeonjun. He's here. He's here. Fuck, why didn't Soobin asked for the choreographer's name? Even for once!

Yeonjun looks from Minhyun to Soobin, his eyes-- Soobin realizes they're still the same. They are intense, sharp but not warm, not anymore.

Soobin wondered, what changed.

Yeonjun tilts his head, his eyes scanning Soobin in a way that makes him tongue-tied. It feels like the air thickens with something like tension, if Minhyun notices, he didn't say anything. Yeonjun doesn't even look fazed. Well, that's a given since he probably knew already that he will be working with Choi Soobin, _Choi_ fucking _Soobi_ n! He literally accepted the project, so of course. But Soobin, he's, he's everything but calm!

"Soobin?" Minhyun asks tentatively.

Soobin blinks, biting his lips hard. He got this. He's good at this. Pretending. He does it daily that it becomes easy for him, does it naturally, it doesn't need a conscious thought anymore.

Right, he just have to pretend. Smile, charm, repeat. That's all he have to do. But there's something in this situation that feels wrong for Soobin.

He sucks a breath in, forcing his lips to form a smile, offering his hand for a handshake.

"Hi, I'm sorry for the inconvenience I caused yesterday. I'm Choi Soobin," he smiles.

_Wrong._

Yeonjun looks at his outstretched hand to his face again, the corner of his lips tugged upward. _Wrong._

"Ah, of course, I know you," Yeonjun says.

Soobin's breath hitches.

"Who wouldn't know The Choi Soobin anyway?" Yeonjun chuckles lowly, shaking Soobin's hand, "Well, I'm hoping you know me too."

_I know you, of course, how could I forget. You're Choi Yeonjun, born in the year 1999,_ _a son, a dancer, a lover._ Soobin knows the story behind each one, the specific way they ache.

_Wrong._

"Of course," Soobin wasn't even sure if it was him who spoke, "Of course," he says again, just a little louder.

_All wrong._

_What do you wish you had said?_

* * *

So here's a funny story, Soobin quite enjoys looking back.

A lot of things come to mind when you ask someone about Choi Soobin. They'll tell you he's friendly, he's honest, blunt. But among all those things, Soobin is also good at confrontation.

Soobin, at the age of 15 already knew what he wanted. He made it clear to himself already. His dreams, his goals, his needs, his wants.

But there's one problem. You see, Soobin at 15 already knew what he wanted. Or who.

It shouldn't even be an issue. He's just a teenager, hormonal and emotional. What he feels, he thinks, was just a simple attraction. Puppy love. He thinks he can't harbor deep feelings yet, he doesn't even know love, only seen it in movies or dramas where a guy and a girl meet, fall in love, add a little twist and then happy ending. In books though, love is more detailed, described with words he cannot understand yet.

So yes, attraction is normal. Crushing is normal. What Soobin doesn't get though, is why was he attracted to a guy.

A guy.

It doesn't make sense. In dramas his mother loves to watch at noon, he only see men with women.

Soobin, 15 years old, thought it wasn't normal. So he hid.

"Yeonjun hyung," he calls.

"Yeah?" The older turns to him, the ice cream he was holding slowly melting from sheer heat though he didn't give it any attention, only continues to look at Soobin with those eyes. Those sharp eyes that pierced Soobin, it aches.

They are at the park, near their middle school. The sun was just breaking into noon, golden hour making everything seem magical though Soobin likes to think Yeonjun doesn't really need that since he is magic himself. They are both peacefully sitting at the swing, licking their melting ice cream to relieve them from the heat. Soobin feels warm, not because of the weather though. But he won't admit.

"Tell me something," Soobin says. His smile turning shy at the edges, looking away so he wouldn't be blinded by the sunshine personified beside him.

Yeonjun just hummed, giving the younger his undivided attention. It only adds warmth to Soobin's cheeks. Sighs. Crushing is terrible. And amazing. And totally making Soobin's head reel.

"Do you have a crush? Have you had one?" Soobin tilts his head upwards, squinting at the sky. He doesn't notice Yeonjun looking at him, gentle smile on his lips.

"Yeah."

Soobin turns to him quickly. Confusion reflected in his eyes, "Really? Who? Do I know her? Is she pretty? Is she studying at our school? Hyung!"

Soobin refuses to acknowledge the bitter taste in his mouth.

Yeonjun laughs brightly, finishing his ice cream and then standing up, clearly having no plans of answering Soobin's questions. Soobin frowns at that.

"Hyung, tell me, we're best friends," Soobins says with a pout. He's obviously sulking, because his favorite hyung (his favorite person ever) opts to answer him. He wasn't sulking for other _ugly_ reasons. Okay.

Yeonjun only smiles at him, offering his sticky hand to the younger.

Soobin stares and accepts (he'll accept Yeonjun with everything he have). They both have sticky hands anyway and they both don't mind. Soobin smiles at that too.

"You really want to know?"

Soobin nods eagerly that made the older laugh fondly.

"That person is the sky," Yeonjun starts, looking down at their joined hands, slowly intertwining his hands with Soobin's.

"And everything else is just the weather," Yeonjun smiles.

_What do you wish you had said?_

* * *

As soon as Soobin was back on the confines of his van does he draws a sharp intake of oxygen, trying to calm himself. He feels like he would start crying if he doesn't calm himself right now. 

Soobin feels too much. Everything feels too little. 

Minhyun furrows his brows, looking at him through the rareview mirror, obviously wanting to ask a question but also choosing to respect Soobin's space. In the end, he just gave Soobin a bottled water, silently observing him.

Soobin takes it gratefully, biting his lips hard after drinking. He sharply turns to the window, his hands still shaking on his lap, though other than that he looked fine. The only tell tale of discomfort is from the way he keeps fumbling with his fingers.

Minhyun sighs, "You look like seconds away from having a panic attack, what's wrong?"

Soobin doesn't answer him, relaxing his posture in his seat and shutting his eyes tightly.

"Just rest, we're going to your magazine shooting," Minhyun says, the underlying _compose yourself_ was left unspoken but Soobin gets it.

He nods and when he finally found his voice again, he gives Minhyun a grateful look, "Just a headache, hyung. Thank you."

Soobin was silent for the rest of the drive. Lots of thoughts are running rampant inside his head, too many questions, too many memories flashing back. He doesn't want to think, of them, of him, of the past but he doesn't really know how to stop.

He's back. In his life. Not that it meant anything. He is now Soobin's choreographer. Someone he is supposed to work with, get things done and then forget. Move forward. But Soobin doesn't think he could do that. 

How do you act around someone you've shared thousands of memories with? 

Soobin deals with struggles well. He's familiar with it. All his life he bled, and it's okay. He gets it. That in order to shine, he needs to bleed first. Cracked his bones. Stretched his skin. Broke his heart. He had let go of a lot of things, his home was one of them.

Facing him again wasn't in his plan. He's dreamt of it but it's something he never dwells on. Soobin knew that facing Choi Yeonjun would bring unnecessary drama and he doesn't think he can deal with that.

Choi Yeonjun was a tragedy. Soobin has accepted that long ago already. He was equal parts the best and the worst memory for Soobin. He was a brother, a friend, a lover and everything he shouldn't think about anymore.

"You need a minute?" Minhyun asks him when they got to the set.

Soobin, for the life of him, was so thankful for having Minhyun as his manager. Sometimes, Soobin likes to think he's more than that. He feels like a family but Soobin wouldn't say it out loud, it's annoying dealing with Minhyun's ego.

"Nah, I'm okay now," Soobin shrugs his coat off, several staffs welcomed him the moment he entered the studio.

Today he have a magazine shooting, thankfully it's just inside a studio so it wouldn't be a hassle for Soobin to deal with occasional reporters trying to dispatch him so people in Korea would have something to gossip about. It's annoying, really, but he's an idol, there would always be an expectation for him to be less human. 

He accepted the coffee a staff gave him and thanked him silently, grabbing his phone so the make up artist could start doing her work already.

He furrows his brows when he got a series of texts from Beomgyu, with caps and exclamation marks all over.

> **_annoying choi_ **
> 
> _yo oldie_
> 
> _kai and i are on a date and you're miserable_
> 
> _oh WAit i think i saw someone_
> 
> _no nevermind it's porbably nkt him_
> 
> _it's not him rite?_
> 
> _okay what tHE FUCK!!!_
> 
> _cHoi SOOBION YOU WONY BELIEVE WHAT I SAW!!!!????_
> 
> _WHAT THE FUCK_
> 
> _WTF_
> 
> _WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_
> 
> _SOOBIN WER R U_
> 
> _HEY???!!?!!_
> 
> _HE'S HERE??? LIKE??!!!!!!_
> 
> _THE GHOSY OF YOUR PASY_
> 
> _THE KNE U GHOSTED_
> 
> _KIDDING!!_
> 
> _HES REALLY HERE!!!_
> 
> _IN OUR COMPANY BUILDINH_
> 
> _WHAT_
> 
> _NO WAIT_
> 
> _FUUUUUUUUUCK_
> 
> _CHOI SOOBIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

Soobin rolls his eyes, pointedly ignoring Beomgyu's texts since he already knew what the younger was making a fuss about anyway. He just probably saw Yeonjun.

Soobin wonders how the younger reacted. Beomgyu and Yeonjun used to be close too. In fact, five of them were. 

Soobin hates it, but the truth was that growing apart was a part of growing up.

* * *

It's a picture full of adolescent naivety, adolescent bravery and sudden pronouncements of "let's ditch," and "what?" and "c'mon!" and loud laughter, bright faces, mouth smiling and fumbling against knuckles and wrists.

It's so easy being with people you are comfortable with to show your ugliest side, boisterous personality, loud mouth, loud voice, loud eyes.

Soobin thought he can stay young forever like this, with Yeonjun on his side and Huening Kai snickering loudly while watching Beomgyu and Taehyun bicker at his side, strips of moon rays giving light in his dark room, bodies of five growing young men all squished in a tiny, small bed, artificial glowing stars on the ceiling, beaming eyes, beating hearts and an ugly poster of The 1975 band on the bedside.

Soobin likes this. Comfortable. Happy. Contended.

"What is it like?" Taehyun suddenly asked when all of them grew silent, exhaustion catching up on their growing body fast, Soobin almost fell asleep right there and then.

It was Huening Kai who responded with a silent, "What's what like?"

Taehyun suddenly moved from his laying position on top of Huening Kai and Yeonjun, looking at each of their faces, curiosity reflected in his wide, bright eyes, "Adulthood, I mean, what is it like growing up?"

"Are you asking that, like, height wise? Because your height is already cute, Taehyunie, you know. Tiny Taehyunie," Beomgyu whispered, curling comfortably on Soobin's chest.

Soobin felt the vibration when Huening Kai laughed beside him, soon being joined by Yeonjun who looked amusedly between Taehyun and Beomgyu.

Taehyun slightly smacked Beomgyu with the plushie he was holding since a while ago, Kai briefly torned between laughing and complaining because it was his doll. "Don't poke fun about my height! You're barely even taller."

"No, but still taller, that's the point," Beomgyu retaliate.

Before Taehyun could argue back, Huening Kai spoke between them, "But Taehyunie, why are you even asking? Even Yeonjun hyung is barely 19 years old."

"I'm just curious, would we still be friends after 5 years? or 10? or more?" Taehyun shrugs, snuggling closer.

"Why," Yeonjun laughs, "Who even told you we're friends?"

"Right," Taehyun nods seriously.

Beomgyu and Kai laugh at that, Soobin smiles.

"We don't know, people come and go," Soobin says silently, the rest listening to him attentively, they rarely have serious talk. Soobin thinks it's because of the atmosphere that made them have this kind of talk, or maybe it's the exhaustion. People tend to be more honest and vulnerable when tired.

"I have a story," Yeonjun points to the moon glowing at the center of Soobin's ceiling, beaming stars surrounding it, the four of them followed where the eldest was pointing, "That moon was lonely."

"What do you mean, hyung? He have the stars," Huening Kai whines.

Yeonjun laughs, "No silly. There's this story about a young girl and her undeniable admiration to the moon. Every night, the girl talks to the moon, tells him about her day, her friends, the people she loves, she never skipped doing that, never stopped even when other kids think she's crazy. For her, the moon was her bestest friend, her favorite part of her day, her confidant, the moon was so much more to her that the moon, despite the distance heard her."

Soobin smiles fondly at Yeonjun, the older grinning back at him and then turning his gaze back to the younger ones, Yeonjun smiles at the genuine attentiveness on their faces.

"So the moon listened and laughed and cried with her, though the girl had no idea. When the girl was happy, the moon was full. When she's not, the moon was half empty. The moon was the girl's catharsis, he started turning his form according to the girl's feelings."

"Oh, so that's why there's a full moon? And a first quarter moon? And so on?" Beomgyu asks, eagerness plastered on his smile.

Yeonjun chuckles, nodding, "Yes. The moon treated the girl his bestest friend too. Because he was lonely even though he's got the stars by his side, even though the sun loved him too much to set at night to give him the sky. The girl made her feel a little less lonely. But one day, as the girl grows up, she gets tired. She gradually stopped talking to the moon, until the night she completely stopped believing. The moon was so devastated, he didn't set until day came, he badly wanted the girl to believe him again so he covered the sun."

Yeonjun heard a gasp and a silent, "Solar eclipse," but he went on.

"Even though the girl doesn't believe on the moon anymore, he still watches her from afar," Yeonjun whispers, eyes unconsciously directing back to Soobin, "The moon was there with her through the night and stayed with her even during the day, even when the sun was brighter and the moon wasn't visible, he was just there, he was always there. He never went away."

Soobin couldn't take his eyes off of the older's, even when Kai starts to whine for the sad ending and Beomgyu argues back on him that it was just suitable and Taehyun cutting their argument off by saying that it was just a fairy tale anyway. Soobin blinks and stares and stares and stares.

Yeonjun's eyes hold the universe.

("That person is the sky," he heard Yeonjun's voice from afar, "And everything else is just the weather." _Hyung, why?_ )

Soobin hears Yeonjun's answer to Taehyun's question, and accepts it.

Soobin wants to say that it's the same for him too, that no matter how uncertain the future is, no matter the whethers and the ifs, Soobin would still be there, like how the moon never went away. No matter the distance, he will be still be there.

("That person is the sky.")

They didn't say anything. Soobin's thoughts were just ghosts behind the hum of the air conditioner.

It starts raining, pitter patter on the windowsill.

* * *

"Minhyun, I'll have dinner with Beomgyu and Kai, you want to go with us?"

They are already packing up by nine pm. The night walking down the sky with the moon in her hand.

Soobin was only wearing a black dress shirt, two buttons open and sleeves folded until his elbows, partnered with grey slacks and black belt, "Where's my car keys?"

Minhyun tossed the keys to him (in which Soobin miserably fails to catch), "Nah, just go without me, I still have some errands to do, update me of your whereabouts alright?"

Soobin nods, Minhyun calls him before he get inside his car, giving the younger a pointed look, "Don't do anything stupid."

Soobin laughs, biting his lips before tilting his head, "Depends on how you define stupid."

Minhyun rolls his eyes, it was his immediate reaction to almost everything Soobin says by now, "Well, just don't go back with another scandal on your tail," Minhyun shrugs, "You know what, just be careful."

"You remind me that every time," Soobin grins, "Makes me want to break more rules."

Soobin laughs loudly when Minhyun's eyes widened, immediately starting the engine and driving away before his manager could start nagging at him again.

It's not that Soobin causes trouble intentionally. Soobin thinks, trouble likes to follow him. He's not really one to be up tight with rules, but he's not exactly the troublemaker type either. Soobin just plays around a lot. If it troubles him, he fixes it. That's his simple principle, it just gets messy when other people get involve.

Soobin stopped the car in front of a five star hotel, giving his keys to valet waiting for him, he smiled when he caught him staring at him while gaping.

When he entered the bar restaurant, he immediately spotted his two friends, Beomgyu and Kai sharing a laugh together while sipping wine.

Soobin thought, they look expensive like that.

"Good evening, gentlemen," he says in a lieu of greeting.

Beomgyu snorts at him while Huening Kai immediately went to hug him while laughing, "Soobin hyung! It's been a while."

Soobin hugged him back, patting the younger's head, "Yup, well, we're both busy. By the way, how's that gala that you attended in Paris?" Soobin wraps his arms around the younger's shoulder as Kai eagerly answers him.

They sat in front of Beomgyu, who watches them silently.

Huening Kai is a model under BigHit Models, he made it big even with such a young age, making a name for himself in the industry. Soobin always feel his chest swell at that thought. Back then, Huening Kai was just that mischievous junior who was obsessed with his dolls and laugh with his whole chest. He grew up well and Soobin was happy to be there beside him while he did.

"By the way," Kai furrows his forehead at Soobin, and then looks back at Beomgyu, "I heard something."

"Well, congrats, you have ears," Soobin rolls his eyes, sipping his wine. He knows where this talk is going, he glares at Beomgyu while Kai wasn't looking.

Beomgyu, the fucker, only smirks.

"Yeonjun hyung is working at BigHit? Really? Have you two talked?"

Beomgyu snickers when the eldest clicked his tongue, "Are you two back together?" He asks.

Soobin shuts his eyes tight, sighing loudly, "How you got into that conclusion was a fucking wonder to me but no, we're not back together," he hissed.

He didn't miss the look shared between the younger two.

"We didn't conclude, we're asking you," Beomgyu crosses his arms, raising his brows, "Did you see him? Did you talk? You don't look surprise when I told you he's there."

Soobin turns, directing his gaze to the glass window beside him. Seoul at 10 o'clock is city lights, concrete streets, crumbling camaraderie and bittersweet memories.

"He's a choreographer now, I'm happy for him."

He's not sure whether the two heard him but he wanted someone to at least know that. He's happy, he really is. They dreamt together, but got it apart.

And it's okay because at least their separation meant something.

From the start, Yeonjun made his goals clear to Soobin and he's proud of what Yeonjun has become. Maybe, the pain they felt six years ago brought them to right places and to the right destinations.

Yeonjun chased his dreams, even when Soobin wasn't there anymore, and it's okay. At least, they weren't once a stranger to each other.

"Really? He's born for it," Beomgyu says silently, smiling wistfully.

Huening Kai was silent, listening to them. When five of them fell apart, Kai remained neutral. When Soobin became an idol and Beomgyu started working on BigHit as a producer, they lost touch to others but the two of them remained close friends. After a while, they met Kai again when he got under BigHit's wing as a model. They figured that Kai never lost connection with Yeonjun and Taehyun and is still very much a good friend to them.

And it's okay, Kai knows enough not to talk about the two to Soobin and Beomgyu much and well, vice versa.

There are days when Soobin wants to know so much how the others were doing, he was dying to know.

There are nights when he just gets tired. Tired of missing people who weren't just there anymore. Tired of wanting back.

"Will he be working with you, hyung?" Kai asks, worry etched in his eyes. Soobin nods.

"Yeah."

"Will you be okay working with your ex?" Beomgyu raises a brow at him.

Soobin clicks his tongue, turning away.

Beomgyu lets him. Silence was Soobin's answer and he accepts it.

"I'm not sure if I should really say this but," Kai creases his forehead, gnawing at his lips while looking back and forth from Soobin to Beomgyu.

"Then don't," Beomgyu rolls his eyes.

"Well, I'm going to tell you this because your ass can be very dramatic, Beomgyu hyung, I'm saying this to prevent a looming headache," Kai frowns.

Beomgyu widens his eyes, "This is about me?"

"Taehyun's back in Korea too," Kai dropped the bomb.

Soobin lets out a silent 'oh' and shifts his eyes to Beomgyu. "Your ex is here too, what a coincidence."

Beomgyu looks at him ridiculously, pointing a finger at himself, "My ex what?"

"Taehyun," Soobin says slowly, eyeing Beomgyu warily who's looking more and more annoyed as seconds pass, "Kang Taehyun? Ex?"

Soobin quickly raises both of his hands in the air, surrendering, when Beomgyu grips his fork tight, "Okay! Okay! Ex almost, just ex almost," he exclaims.

Kai is laughing loudly beside him, shutting up when Beomgyu throws a glare at him.

"You know what, I don't care. I'm not affected anymore," he slams his hands loudly on the table, "See? I don't care in the slightest bit."

Kai and Soobin shares a look and nods quietly.

Soobin went home that night with Beomgyu's question still ringing in his ears.

Will he be okay?

He's not sure but he knows he should. It's all in the past, what happened to them was a history and there's no point dwelling on it up until now. Soobin's sure Yeonjun has moved on already and wasn't affected anymore.

They may not be in the same page but Soobin knows he should be professional about this. He's just over thinking this whole thing, he knows. But he can't help it.

Yeonjun wasn't a stranger.

He held a piece of Yeonjun everywhere, back then.

Today, he still does.


	2. second note

Soobin have only two things in this world. Things he loves, things he wants to keep.

It's just dancing and Yeonjun. That's all he's got going for him, and he knows that soon, they're going to carve the dance out of his bones, and eventually, they'll take Yeonjun too but he thinks, he'd like to keep Yeonjun with him forever, for as long as the universe would allow him. The world could draw dancing out of his bones but he won't let it take Yeonjun away from him.

Soobin has been with Yeonjun since the start, he doesn't know a world without him anymore. Some people would say it's parasitic dependency but Yeonjun goes beyond a friend should be, he's family, he's home, he's that crowd that sits quiet listening to Soobin. Yeonjun is an anchor and he grounds Soobin back to reality just when he's swimming with his self-expectations.

Hacking his lungs out dancing is Soobin's routine by now. Training for him was a long run, it exhausts both his body and his mind but while he's running towards that finish line he likes to think as debuting, he really couldn't do anything but to push through, running without rest because as long as Soobin can breathe he'll run.

"Rest," says Yeonjun, stopping the music as he leans on the doorway of Soobin's apartment studio, holding two iced americanos in his hands.

Yeonjun is the only one who grounds him. Sometimes, Soobin thinks he's the air Soobin breathes so he can run.

Soobin immediately halts, not bothering to reply since any complain would be half-assed anyways because he feels drained to the core, practicing all night long in favor of perfecting the routines he have to perform by tomorrow. He slumps on the floor before full on laying on his sweaty back, probably dampening the floor as he stares up at the ceiling in muted agony.

"Tired."

Yeonjun walks to him while rolling his eyes, "The floor's dirty, get up," he says, stopping an inch from where Soobin's head is.

The younger groans, curling up to whine, "Just drag me around to clean it up, I am never using my legs again."

Yeonjun snorts at his dramatic antics, hoisting Soobin up by pulling his arms. Soobin curses him before sitting up by himself, back still hunched. Yeonjun sits in front of him on the floor, placing the drinks between their crossed legs as he flicks Soobin's forehead, "You should've just used your time to rest, idiot."

Yeonjun probably knows that Soobin had barely gotten any sleep because he's that type of asshole to know everything about him without Soobin having to say anything. Soobin admits he's right though, he had five hours for supposed glorious rest before he was meant to come to the company for the monthly evaluation.

"Hyung, shh," Soobin mumbles, sinking himself deeper in his oversized hoodie that was actually Yeonjun's. It's okay, they always share clothes so it's a normal thing. He doubts Yeonjun even notices it anymore.

"Taehyun said you didn't attend the class again," Yeonjun mutters. Soobin can hear the pout in his voice but he brushes it off instead of reacting to it. He chooses to ignore it because Yeonjun acting cute is a weakness he will never admit to anyone.

"I was trying to record some routines, took me longer than I expected to so I just slept here," he mumbles, reaching for Yeonjun's hand with his sweater paws just because.

Yeonjun frowns and glares at him, though Soobin can see the luster of worry in his eyes, "That's not good, Soobin."

Soobin's lips tugged downwards as he pouts to avoid getting scolded by Yeonjun yet again.

"Listen," he chides, "You're overworking your limbs and someday they'll start to hate you and then they'll decide they never want to dance for you ever again."

Soobin snorts at his childish explanation. It was dumb but it lifted his spirits up anyways, it was kinda annoying.

"You think I'm a child," Soobin rolls his eyes as he picks up one of the coffees between them and takes a sip, feeling relieved for the cold taste.

"Because you are," Yeonjun replies with a snicker.

"Yeonjun, you're only a year older, shut up."

Yeonjun only grins at him and nudges one of his knees with his, "Stop practicing for now. Just rest, you'll need it."

Soobin simply nods, admiring the warm feeling rising in his chest and the way his heart flutters. He ducks his head down, suddenly feeling embarassed when Yeonjun wipes the side of his face with the towel he brought. It's nothing the older haven't done before but moments like these, in an empty room in quiet hours was Soobin's favorite kind of intimacy.

"Stop worrying over me, hag," Soobin retorts.

He is tired and sleep deprived, and there's an evaluation later that he should feel anxiousness bubbling in his stomach already just by thinking about it but Soobin couldn't give a damn right now. Yeonjun holds his hand carefully tight and it sends his mind into overdrive, his favorite kind of sensation.

Soobin favors the quiet hours they can be like this, not BigHit trainee Soobin, not Performance Arts Major Yeonjun but just Soobin and Yeonjun; the first stage in a never-ending cycle where they can be each other's before they give themselves to the world again.

* * *

His scandal immediately died down since Dispatch was paid to take down the article and other news outlets to stop reporting it, a staff also managed to contact an insider source and Dispatch released a new celebrity couple right after his.

Most of his fans did not believed his dating scandal anyway and it leaves a sour taste in his mouth. He doesn't really want to feel grateful for the fans who defended him because he's consumed with the knowledge that the news was nothing but the truth. But after all, netizens treat idols dating like a punching bag and it's something Soobin really have no control of.

It has been weeks since Soobin saw Yeonjun again after six years. Perhaps, because it's the jacket-filming and photoshoots for his promotional period started and it prevents an avenue for them to meet even in the management from arising. Soobin has been busy with preparations for his album and finalizing things with his coordinators.

As much as possible, Soobin wants this album to be a reflection of who he is as an artist, laid back yet strong-willed. The album is completely self-produced but he's quite confident with it as he looks over the track list Beomgyu sent him.

There's a distinct tinge of excitement in Soobin's heart as he hovers on the link the producer sent him. He contributed a lot on the lyrics and producing half the number of songs and he feels incredibly proud because they're his pride as an artist. He listens to them while he was in the van on their way to the company to deal with the choreography of the title song he's gonna perform and the familiar adrenaline washes upon him like a tidal wave and he starts to get restless and fidgety in his seat as he listens to his earphones.

Soobin feels incredibly excited to be able to perform on stage again because there's really nothing Soobin can trade over the feeling of owning the stage during performances. He likes the adrenaline when the spotlight is on him, he lives off counted pennies and screams of the people lining up to watch him and it has long been that way that Soobin memorized the steps already. He wears mask everywhere he goes that he's only able to put off when he's on stage, because that is where he truly feels free, truly feels happy.

That reminds him though, of the things it cost him to be able to stand on that same stage he dreamt of. No matter what he does, he always ends up running back to what broke him.

He wonders what changed Yeonjun for the past six years, wonders what the older has been and seen that makes him who he is today. He remembers Taehyun's question and the answer Yeonjun gave to them and wonders if he stands by the same words he uttered that night. Was he the moon? Who believed first? Did he ever stop believing?

Because Soobin did not. Promises are a prickle thing and they bind him in the neck because it's not the promises that broke him, but the person who made them.

("That person is the sky," he heard Yeonjun's voice from afar, "And everything else is just the weather." _Hyung, why?_ )

"Minhyun, I'm thinking of making a choreo to Side of Me, what do you think?" Soobin asks as he pulls out one side of his earphones to converse with his manager.

"You'll choreograph it yourself?"

"Planning to," Soobin shrugs, eyes vehemently glued on the window as he watches clouds pass by.

"Then do it, the only thing we really have to rush this week is your title song since we still have to shoot for the music video and since that song is just a b-side, I think the management would say yes."

Soobin nods, not responding anymore as he puts his earphones back on.

* * *

"I'll go meet Beomgyu for a while," Soobin tells Minhyun as he gets off the van.

His manager nods at him, letting him, "Sure."

Soobin merely nods back before he's marching towards Beomgyu's studio that, Soobin can bet his fingers on, is where he resides. When he got there though, he expected Beomgyu to be busy working on something (he's always the busier one between the two of them) but instead, he sees Beomgyu chilling with his headphones worn, computers in front of him shut off.

When he got inside, he didn't forget to insult Beomgyu's studio interior, "Your lights are still fucking blinding, I see," he says as colored lights overwhelmed his eyes for a while before he could adjust them to the glaring red dimness inside.

Beomgyu looks up to him before putting his headphones off, "My lights aren't gonna adjust to you, hyung," he rolls his eyes noncomitally.

"You're always on that throne of yours, don't you get uncomfortable. That seat is too fucking solid to be seated on for more than an hour," he complains again as he flops himself on the couch.

Beomgyu turns to him, still sitting on that throne of his, facing him fully, "Get out if you're just going to insult my baby."

Right, Beomgyu calls this dingly studio his baby. Soobin snorts.

"What do you need, can you just leave already," Beomgyu huffs, offering a bread to Soobin that the idol accepts gratefully.

Soobin munches on the bread first before speaking, "I have a problem."

"Then go find solution somewhere else," Beomgyu snickers.

"I'm going to meet Yeonjun again," Soobin shrugs (he pretends he wasn't affected about it when he's everything but that) and he feels Beomgyu looking at him, pondering.

"You don't really have to say anything, by the way, don't be pressured," he adds and he takes a breathe in, not really for the purpose of calming his fast beating heart, no.

"You're so stupid," Beomgyu huffs, "So what if you'll meet Yeonjun again."

"Don't so what me, Beomgyu, you know exactly what I'm talking about."

"Except I don't," the younger defends, dodging Soobin's glare innocently.

Why did he think it's a good idea to talk this through with Beomgyu again. This fucker knows nothing.

"I'm serious," Soobin frowns, sitting straight this time as he gestures wildly with his hands to find the right words to describe the mix of emotions swirling inside him right now, "It might not show but I'm nervous as heck, like, hello? That's Choi Yeonjun. Yeonjun, Beomgyu, he's not just anyone. I was with him for like half my life and now I don't have any fucking idea how to face him. How's that," Soobin pauses and huffs.

"Soobin hyung," Beomgyu leans back in his seat and stares at him, "You're projecting."

The idol clamps his mouth shut and sighs, admitting it. He knows it's fucking stupid, really and he's the only one making a big deal out of this but he's genuinely confuse, clueless on how will he act around his ex because it's not like Soobin ever imagines meeting Yeonjun again (okay, maybe, he did but anyways) and now that he was meters away from Soobin already, he feels like the universe is playing a big joke on him.

Like, _hey, it's a prank, you thought you're over your ex? Huh, think again._ Something like that.

Beomgyu must've saw the genuine disdain in his face because the younger sighed loudly, standing up from his throne to sit beside Soobin, "I actually talked to Yeonjun yesterday," he starts.

"Okay?" Soobin pretends he's not interested even though he might've flinched when Beomgyu mentioned his name.

"He was still the same, or at least that's what I think," Beomgyu looks at him and musters his reaction, "We only asked how each other has been doing and whatnot."

Soobin clenches his jaw and averts his face away from Beomgyu, "And you're telling me this because?"

"Because I want you to realize that Yeonjun hyung is still the same hyung we had six years ago," he states simply, calmly like he's not seeing Soobin crumble beside him with his words, "His bones have grown sure, but what made them never really changed and you're right, you were with him for like, half of your life. More than anything, you knew him better than anyone, hyung."

Soobin tips his head back to rest on the headrest as he stares blankly at Beomgyu's studio ceiling, "You know, I actually feel guilty whenever I get reminded of our fallout," he says wistfully, memories transporting him back briefly to the days he was younger, more naive, more confused, "Because I know it was my fault."

Beomgyu stares at him, "That realization is six years late already, hyung."

"I know."

They both let silence settle between them and when Beomgyu gently holds his hand with his, Soobin feels grateful to have Beomgyu by his side through these years. He doesn't seriously think he could get over the shit ton he experienced if not for Beomgyu who was always able to give him emotional support even in the most quiet ways.

"How are you and Hyuka?" Soobin suddenly asks, remembering the last time the three of them talked in the restaurant two weeks ago.

Beomgyu frowns, "What about us?"

Soobin snickers, "Don't play clueless with me, Beomgyu, you know what I'm talking about."

"Except I don't," Beomgyu petulantly responds and Soobin has this sudden urge to smack him on the head.

"Don't break anyone's heart, Beomgyu," he reprimands even though he knows it's futile.

"Not planning on it," Beomgyu rolls his eyes, "For real though, Kai and I are okay, friends, we long settled it already."

"And about Taehyun?" Soobin asks carefully.

Soobin watches a flurry of emotions dance around in his eyes for a while before they're gone the next second and he wonders that truly happened between him and Taehyun, why Huening Kai suddenly got between them. What made him mad, what made Taehyun leave, how he got together with Kai after Taehyun did. Soobin was there when it all happened but he truly wonders if he was really there. If he was able to play the role of being a hyung to them that time because if he did, would have things turned out differently?

He was too far gone with his own pain, he forgets sometimes that Beomgyu needs him too. That thought was what probably egged him to say, "I'm sorry, Gyu," silently when Beomgyu fails to answer.

The younger only shakes his head and flashes a grin to him lazily and that is when Soobin knows Beomgyu is ready to drop and forget the subject altogether.

"Wanna listen to my new recorded instrumentals?"

* * *

An hour later, Soobin finally feels human enough to interact with everyone again and well, courageous enough to face Yeonjun.

He wills himself to control his emotions because while Soobin is professional, he's extra emotional when it comes to Yeonjun.

In the end, everything comes down when it's Choi Yeonjun.

And that's probably what makes facing him again after all these years so much harder.

Soobin takes a breathe in deeply before opening the door of the dance practice room. He expected to see the company dancers there already when the only person who so much as glance at him was Choi Yeonjun.

He tilts his head as he scans the whole room and wonders where the others are.

They're not going to leave him alone with Yeonjun, right?

Soobin bites his lips hard when his eyes land on Yeonjun, the choreographer is wearing a simple ensemble of white shirt and grey track pants, much similar to what Soobin wore. He also notes that the dancer is wearing a bucket hat and a silver necklace.

"Take a picture, it stays longer."

Soobin clears his throat and averts his eyes when he heard Yeonjun say that. He puts his hand on his nape as he walks towards the center of the room where Yeonjun is at, "Where are the others?"

"I'll show you the steps first and we should fall into routine after that. I'm expecting a lot from the Choi Soobin, don't disappoint me," Yeonjun responds bluntly, not answering Soobin's question.

Soobin bows (because he got manners) and stares at Yeonjun's back as he goes where the speakers were at and starts to play the music as he faces Soobin again.

Soobin clenches his jaw and stops himself from responding back, wanting to keep the atmosphere between them light than tense so instead he sits obediently in front of Yeonjun and stares at him with the most intimidating look he can muster, it seems useless though because Yeonjun only gives him a grin and a nearly heart fuck attack.

The music reverberates on the four corners of the room as Yeonjun plays it with a dull tap.

That's when Soobin realized, he made a mistake watching Yeonjun like this because suddenly everything feels like it's too much. The room is too dim. The air is too dry. The music is too loud. His jacket is too big. His shoes are too heavy. His lungs are too small. His heart is beating too fast.

Choi Yeonjun is dancing again in front of him and he realizes that he missed watching Yeonjun dance so much. Soobin's breathe got knocked out of him as he continues watching him.

Soobin tries to give himself time to reboot but Yeonjun is dancing _again_ and his movements and gaze on Soobin are enough to fry his entire operating system. He can't look, but he has to. He can't think, but every impulse is screaming at Soobin to view the situation professionally. Apparently he's more distracted because of Yeonjun than he gives himself credit for because he can't seem to tear his eyes away from him when he's being this rude.

Heartstopping isn't a good enough word to describe Yeonjun's dancing. He improved drastically, not that Yeonjun was a bad dancer to begin with. He's just more balanced, more professional. Soobin feels a stab in his heart when he realized that he could've been there for Yeonjun when he did.

There's just something nostalgic in this situation that Soobin finds himself being transported back to the days when Yeonjun would show him the steps he made and they'll dance through it together until sweat trickled down their necks, bodies molding into one and breathing synchronized with one another, until Yeonjun's voice travelled in his ears, bodies pressed together, his lips on Soobin's ears as whispers of ' _I love you_ _,'_ burns and the game of dares would turn lethal until Soobin's room door shut and leave Yeonjun crushing Soobin into the bed. ' _Me too,_ ' turned into fingers digging into back of necks and messes of tongues and breathlessness and bumping knees against hips.

Those moments when dancing with Choi Yeonjun resulted into something more.

Yeonjun's gaze on him is burning, and there's that same intensity in those eyes that Soobin was used to seeing before. Yeonjun is simply good at dancing, and he looks like there's nothing he would rather be doing. So fluid, it doesn't look like he's exerting effort, so effortlessly sensual and appealing that Soobin feels like he could be swallowed up by Yeonjun at any moment.

It's when the pace of the song picks up and Yeonjun follows suit, face twisting into an expression of pure confidence--a small smirk tugging at his lips as he continues to twist his body in ways Soobin remembers, tongue peeking out and uh... oh, Yeonjun drops on the ground. And. Fucking. Grind on it.

Oh good heavens.

It feels like two magnets snapping together. Yeonjun has just finished ruffling his hair sexily--too sexily for Soobin's liking and he makes eye contact with him from the ground. There's a burst of emotion in his eyes but before the idol have the chance to decipher them, it vanishes in a heartbeat. Yeonjun smirks. Smirks at Soobin like he knows exactly what's going on through his mind.

No, he doesn't. Because it's not helping anything at all that it is his voice playing repeatedly through the speaker and the exact same song Yeonjun's dancing to.

When the music comes to halt and the silence reigns over them once again, the air stills as though it can sense the tension on the two people inside the room.

"Uh. Nice," Soobin croaks lamely, taint of pink dusted across his cheeks, "Nice dance, great view here, hm. Nice. Really."

Yeonjun breathes in sharply, walking over to where the towel was placed idly and he's wiping the sweat that makes its way down to his now damped, messy hair to the slope of his distinct jaw, to the flesh on the crook of his neck, down to his shirt that's already wet with perspiration and it's sticking on his body, enough to show the crevices of his middle and the abs that peeks through the fabric, and down, _down, down._

Soobin almost forgot that Yeonjun is naturally built, he gulps.

"Like what you're seeing?" Yeonjun says with a raise of a brow and there's that stupid smirk again.

"No," Soobin doubles over, cheeks erupted a bright red. Yeonjun actually lets out a loud laugh, earning a surprise look from the other.

Soobin didn't want to admit how insanely he misses Yeonjun but he's not gonna say that now, there are enough reasons for him not to. He doesn't even know if after their break up six years ago if Yeonjun's got a girlfriend (or boyfriend, whatever) already. Not like Soobin should care about that.

"Alright," Yeonjun wears a blank look again, face serious and lips pursed into thin line. Soobin briefly wonders if it's because it's him he's teaching or just out of Yeonjun's usual professionalism, "I'll teach the hook part first and if you can follow well, we'll go straight to the first and second part."

Soobin nods and walks towards the center of the room, where Yeonjun's standing at. "Don't go easy on me," Soobin mumbles when he's right in front of the dancer.

There is a flicker of overwhelming emotion in Yeonjun's brown orbs again before it was gone the next second, masked with a heavy veil of coldness Soobin doesn't have strength to give a thought.

He wouldn't dance with the back-up dancers yet, Yeonjun explains. They'll have rehearsal with them after Soobin memorized the steps alone.

It took him thirty minutes to get pass a minute into the routine and Soobin was already sweating from the admittedly difficult level of the dance. However, Soobin preserves because he's used to wearing himself out until he reach the perfection of the dance, and the dance steps are actually cool and this made Soobin excited to actually perform it on stage and he used all that enthusiasm in learning the rest of it. He must have been so focused because he didn't notice when Yeonjun had stopped dancing and watched him instead run over half of the choreography again and again.

There was familiarity that hangs in the air that either of them opts to dwell on, Soobin dancing until he can barely move his limbs and Yeonjun watching him.

"That's enough, rest for a while," Yeonjun says after a few more minutes and throws a bottle of water on Soobin after (in which he fails to catch).

Soobin huffs but obliges. Tiredly laying on the floor of the room, panting and grasping the little air that no longer fills his lungs. He stayed there unmovingly for a while until he finally found the strength to sit upright and drink from the bottle.

Soobin wipes his mouth after and lied back, hair damped and shirt wet and all. He tries not to notice how his heart is thumping hardly inside his ribcage, he's almost afraid Yeonjun's going to hear even when his song was playing loudly on the speaker.

There was music and Soobin can even hear both of them panting, but why does silence feels so suffocating?

Soobin thinks about the distance between them. Time and distance, so much distance that stretches far between them even though they're only feets apart. He mulls over the time they wouldn't be able to catch up anymore with a simple question of _how have you been._ At that moment, Soobin remembers who Yeonjun is. Was.

Choi Yeonjun was someone from the past, as he was to Yeonjun too. They said moving on takes time and time passed already, time took so much from him already.

But why hasn't he moved on? Why does being in the same space as Yeonjun feels as familiar as it is suffocating?

He wanted to break the silence, but he doesn't have any strength to do so.

There was a lot of time that he wondered how Yeonjun was doing after their break up, wondered about the things he shouldn't even be thinking of anymore when they're already done. Even though he shouldn't, he kept wondering what Yeonjun was doing, or if he skipped meals again because he was too busy working, or when would be the time they'll meet again, if ever there'll be any and if, if Yeonjun would find someone to take his special place. There was too many things he wanted to ask Yeonjun and the question of 'how are you' isn't really enough to cover them all.

So, he stayed silent.

"Let's run through the routine over again," Yeonjun's voice sounds taunting through the haze of Soobin's dazed mind.

"Yeah, okay," he finds himself responding anyway, pushing himself to stand up right again.

_What do you wish you had said?_

* * *

Loving Choi Yeonjun was simple.

Their relationship, since the start, was built with trust, so much trust and so much love. Soobin supposes, it has something to do with the fact that they started as being friends, bond strengthening each passing years that platonic love slowly blossomed into that of romance, warm red bursting each time hands touched under the table, each time eyes meet under the blinding sun, or the setting sun, or the night sky, through breaking dawn, until another day comes.

Their love, through time, evolved and shaped them to be who they are today.

Being with Choi Yeonjun is simple and Soobin thinks it has always been like that, so it will stay like that as well.

Like the moon, Soobin wants to stay with him.

"To be one with the stars," he whispers as he stretches a hand up as if to reach the night sky.

"What are you saying," Yeonjun chuckles, lacing his hand with Soobin's outstretched one.

They are both laying on the sand, when the older suddenly pulled him from the constant hustle and bustle of the city and brought him in a countryside beach that Soobin doesn't even know existed not until right now, when Yeonjun asked him to ditched everything with him.

It's dead silent except from the sound of waves crashing and the breeze peaking up that messes their hair.

"Hyung," Soobin turns to him and stands his elbow on the sand as he rests the side of his face on his fisted hand, "Remember when I asked you if you have a crush?"

Yeonjun looks at him and smiles, mirroring his position, "What about it?"

"You said that person was the sky..." Soobin trails off as he directs his eyes to the starless night sky, "Who?"

Pondering for a moment, Yeonjun tilts his head before answering, "My first love?"

Soobin snickers and goes back to his position earlier, back lied completely on the sand while he used his arms as a pillow, "Don't you know? First love never works."

It takes a moment for Yeonjun to respond, confused at his statement. When Soobin looks over at him, he saw the older frowning.

"Who said that?" Yeonjun pouts.

Smirking a little, Soobin rolls his eyes, "It's just the way it is. First loves never work out. You know how you tend to make mistakes in the first try? It's like that in love too."

Yeonjun purses his lips and stares intently at Soobin's side profile, "Wrong," he quietly argues.

"Hm?" Soobin looks at him, "What?"

The older smiles at him and flicks his forehead, "Who told you that? A relationship is only bound to fail if you go into it thinking it's hopeless."

Soobin glares at him and sits upright to hit the older on the arm, "That's not my point!"

Yeonjun laughs and tries to dodge the younger's hands.

"Who's that first love huh?!"

"The sky-- ow," the older sits upright too and holds Soobin's hands tightly together to suffice his annoyance, "My answer is still the same," he slowly says and laces his hands with Soobin's.

"That person is still the sky."

Soobin looks down at their intertwined hands, his voice hushed when he asks, "Then what am I?"

Yeonjun smiles, "The sky."

Soobin looks up at him in surprise.

"So, stop saying shit about my first love," Yeonjun gives his cheek a peck.

"He's listening," he cheekily continues.

* * *

"Break," Soobin starts, a little out of breath and puffing with evident guilt, almost concrete to be believable, "I need a break," he says.

Minhyun shots him a look of incredulity with a raise of his brow and hands on his hips, forehead creasing out of lack of reason from the artist, almost like an ignoramus in front of the younger, "And I'm asking what the fuck for, Soobin," Minhyun states as a matter of fact.

Soobin's sigh is too loud to be dismissed by Minhyun, and the way his shoulders are crouched down didn't go unmissable that it especially makes Minhyun more inquisitive, "Are you planning to elope with someone? Choi Soobin, I'm telling you this nicely while things are all calm but--"

"What, no!" Soobin widens his eyes in shock, hands floundering around as he shakes his head frantically, "What are you saying eloping, hyung!? I don't even have someone..." The last part becomes unbearably soft that Soobin almost whispers the words and he suddenly remembers everything that happened yesterday.

Soobin doesn't like to think what happened yesterday as climactic but the bugging feeling inside him is screaming that something isn't right too and that his overthinking is only making matters worst between him and his technically ex (which he's still inlove with). Soobin doesn't know how to face him, what to say to him and how to even act in front of him the next time again.

He can't imagine himself being all so awkward and tense with Yeonjun again but he can't imagine himself being so comfortable and natural either. They aren't even over the whole choreography and Soobin doesn't know if he should be happy over the fact that he still have reasons to meet and see Yeonjun or to just hide himself in a treasure box and bury himself ten meters under the ground.

Choi Yeonjun is indeed a virus that always manages to sneak its way into his sytems and turn them down without an effort, and unfortunately, it's the kind of virus he can't get rid of.

"Then stop all those thoughts of possible breaks, Soobin. As much as I want to give it to you, we're in the middle of your comeback preparations and you have a party to attend to, so square up and get ready," Minhyun shrugs, throwing a bracelet with lavish designs of musical notes on his direction (in which he manages to catch miraculously).

"What is this? And what party?" Soobin asks, baffled and still confused when a bunch of female and male staffs step inside the room and start to circle him to dress him up probably.

"Year end ceremony of the management, remember?" Minhyun replies noncommittally and Soobin's eyes almost budged out.

"What," he deadpans.

The management, you say? It probably means Choi Yeonjun is invited too, right?

* * *

When the car came to halt, Soobin feels more than ready for an early death. The party is being held in some kind of a well known bar, it's enthralling. Neon lights reached Soobin's eyes even from afar, the music playing reverberates through out the whole place is familliar, and of course the people inside, themselves, scream luxury, and fame and power, the whole ordeal feels more like a competition in which who dresses the best, whose gown and suit is the most expensive, who can sneak behind and flirt with other artists the most and what kind of image are you going to show.

Being celebrity is not as easy as drawing a stick man on a white, vacant paper, it's about faking smiles out of narrowed show of burlesque and laughing at the parody of it all, too many forced smiles, and pretentious statements hiding a mocking motives behind, it was bullshit. Choi Soobin likes none of it, but he likes performing, and acting that, perhaps, still anchors him on the ground and pushes him to stay firm with his passion in dancing and singing.

"Are you ready?" Minhyun asks when he opens the car's door and was welcomed by Soobin's flat expression, propping an arm so that the younger can link his on the older, in which Soobin accepts mindlessly as his feet hit the ground with a silent thud.

Blinding flashes from cameras and frantic yells rived something in Soobin that ever come curdles in his guts. His hold on his manager's arms tighten, fake smiles widening as his shoes tap on the carpet insensibly. When they got inside the main hall, however, that feeling of veto and coerced never subsided, they heightened.

The clock seems to tick so slowly and time was being excruciatingly sluggish the moment he set foot inside, scrutinizing looks directed at him and he could've never felt more judged than before. Other artists welcomed him with friendly, warm smiles, others bypass him like he's just a waste of space and Soobin honestly doesn't mind.

Through out the whole an hour (or two, Soobin's not sure anymore) in the party, Soobin lost Minhyun by his side, who probably went to enjoy by himself. He mostly just talked to people he was comfortable with, like Lee Daehwi who has been like a brother to him in the industry. He misses talking and drinking with him like this.

Daehwi is a good friend and listener, he knows well enough when to pry and when to keep distance. Soobin likes Daehwi's honesty the most, something that he's familiar with. And now that he's talking with him again, he didn't find it as hard as he thought it'd be, the words flow out easily from his mouth that Daehwi acknowledges gently, and laughs good naturedly at his friend's story.

"Excuse me for a while," Soobin bids when he spotted Huening Kai on the corner of the luxurious room, sipping a wine while chatting animatedly with a friend. He's looking gorgeous in his white ensemble american suit and pushed back hairstyle.

"What a handsome gentleman," Soobin greets him when he gets near and Kai easily gives him a smile and a hug, excusing himself briefly with his friend.

"Not as handsome as you, sunbaenim?" Kai teases.

"Don't 'sunbaenim' me, kid," he rolls his eyes and gets a wine from a passing waiter.

Kai pouts and leads him away, conversation flowing between them easily, "I'm not a kid anymore," he rolls his eyes.

Soobin chuckles, sipping on his glass after, "I tend to forget sometimes."

"You're horrible."

Classic, gentle song plays in the background, the chatter of people around them and a brief silence settling between them that Kai breaks with a hushed question of, "How did it go?"

"Hm? What?"

"Dance practice?" Kai raises a brow and scans his face closely.

Sometimes, Soobin forgets how knowing the younger is. Huening Kai is more mature than he lets on and moments like this gets Soobin reminded. Kai is someone who observes silently and helps in small, quiet ways. Soobin thinks, Kai is the perfect embodiment of maturity not based on age, but that of experience and observation.

"Where's Beomgyu?" He asks, dodging the question.

"He didn't attend, now answer me."

Soobin side eyes him glaringly.

"What?" Kai pulls a charming smile, innocently looking at him, "Give," he gestures to himself before pointing at the older, "And take."

Soobin sighs and shrugs flippantly, "It went well."

"That answer doesn't sit right with me," Kai narrows his eyes at him that Soobin pointedly ignores.

"I don't know what answer you're expecting," it's Soobin's turn to rolls his eyes.

"Something close to the truth," Huening Kai shrugs, staring ahead at the people mingling on the center of the room, "How did you feel?"

Soobin swallows, taking his time to answer his question. He felt a lot, that's the truth. It was whole multitude of emotions that hit him hard. Realizations, memories, Yeonjun, him. It was a lot.

It was the questions of why. Of how. Of until when.

Soobin's answer was simple, light, to cover up all the things he's trying hard to bury, "I felt empty."

And Soobin finds that it's the closest to the truth. Empty. That word says it all.

"You know why you're having a hard time facing Yeonjun again, hyung?" Kai turns to him, pocketing his hands as he tilts his head.

"Because you think nothing is ideal. That's where it started, right?"

A bitter smile tugs at the corner of Soobin's lips.

"That's where it ended too," Soobin continues.

"You're stuck on the past, you can't even let go," Kai says, watching his expression intently, "Of your old relationship and the old Yeonjun and you're so scared to see the changes that happened, you refuses to open your eyes."

Kai exhales heavily, ready to walk to away, he flashes a smile to Soobin first though, "You're so scared to face the Yeonjun today, because you still haven't forgotten the Yeonjun in your memories."

Soobin watches him walk away, engaging in a conversation with other people and leaving him to ponder what he told him.

He sighs and empties a glass in one swig before marching towards the exit to get some fresh air.

Soobin decides to go for a walk to the garden so he wouldn't risk anything to the reporters and other celebrities.

When he got there though, someone was already there.

Soobin can only see his back but he already knows who it was. When that person looks back, he only confirms Soobin's guess.

"Hi," Soobin greets him silently.

When Yeonjun looks back, he only flashes a smile before nodding at him.

"Nice to meet you here," Yeonjun greets back and turns his back.

Soobin continues to stand at the entryway and wonders.

_What do you wish you could say?_


	3. third note

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw // homophobia & brief mentions of death

Sometimes, Soobin questions himself which hurts the most.

Saying something and wishing you had not or saying nothing but wishing you had?

Up until now, he hasn't come up with an answer. But Soobin—he's that kind of person who sticks by his instincts, a midst everything, he dislikes regret the most.

He has always remind himself to never regret anything because at one time, it was exactly what he wanted.

Choi Yeonjun is one of those things he never wanted to regret. Soobin wanted him at one point, up until now, he still does. 

"What are you doing here?" Soobin starts, approaching the choreographer where he stands and clasping his hands behind his back.

The idol looks at his side profile, using the time he wasn't looking to observe the other. Growing up with Yeonjun, practically glued on the hips, he saw different sides of the older. He saw him at his worst and best moments, saw his success and been with him through his failures. Soobin saw him outgrown his nerdy phase, evolving into a handsome guy everyone admired at some point in their university. Today, looking at him like this, Soobin realizes what Beomgyu said to him back at the studio.

Yeonjun never really changed, appearance wise. He was still so incredibly handsome, his lips jutting out in a natural pout, his skin glowing, honey colored and so so beautiful. Soobin suddenly remembers all the time he angrily comforted the older when he shared his insecurities about it, wanting to have fairly, white skin like others that Soobin retaliated with a yell of _you look gorgeous in your own skin, hyung!_ and feeling satisfied when he saw how the older smiled after, even if Beomgyu never stopped teasing him about the blush that creeped up to his face that day.

Soobin finds himself thinking at one point that after all these years, no one will be able to beat Yeonjun for him, that no matter how many people he meet that were just as good looking, no one would ever come close to how Yeonjun's beauty struck him.

Soobin averts his eyes when Yeonjun turns to look at him and speaks, "What about you?"

Soobin bites his lips as he thinks of how to answer, acknowledging the fact that this is their first proper conversation after meeting again and he doesn't want to screw this chance up. He just wants to hear Yeonjun again, even for a minute longer.

So, he tries for a smile and a shrug, "Just went out to get some fresh air."

Soobin thinks, it's the safest answer and he comes to realize that it's the truth. He thought that being a trainee was a long run, like being in a marathon with hundreds of racers competing to get to the finish line, pushing himself hard until he can't breathe anymore. He used to think that Yeonjun was the air he breathed so he could run. Today, he's not running anymore, but he still breathes Yeonjun in.

Because Yeonjun is a necessity, the oxygen he breathes in and he finds that for the past six years, he hasn't lived because Yeonjun wasn't there.

The older doesn't respond anymore, only hums to, maybe, get the message across that he understands. Whatever it was. Whatever the answer Soobin gave him.

He thinks of all the times he almost reached out to Yeonjun—almost asked him to come back. Sometimes, he just gets this overwhelming urge to ask Huening Kai for his number, or not even that. He just wants to know how Yeonjun was doing. 

So, he heaves a deep breathe in before speaking up again to break the suffocating silence, to take a step closer, to reach out.

"It's nice to see you again."

Soobin doesn't even need Yeonjun to come back to him, even though that's what his heart is screaming for and Soobin has come to learn that it's not always the heart he should follow. He just wants to learn Yeonjun again, to ask him how he has been and all the questions he was dying to ask, even though he knows it wouldn't be easy.

He just wants to have his best friend back. That one person who wouldn't give up on him but also that one person Soobin chose to leave.

He's just asking for that one thing, he prays to the heaven to let him have even just that.

Yeonjun tips his head back and swallows before looking back at Soobin, "It's nice to see you again too."

Soobin finds it especially hard to break the eye contact, clearing his throat before directing his gaze on the grass beneath his impeccable shoes, "How are you?"

His attempts are futile, he knows. But Soobin is clueless as to where to start too, how to break the walls, how to cross the distance. 

Yeonjun seems to know where he's getting though because he flashes a small, gentle smile at his direction, kind enough not to speak Soobin's hesitance into words. "I'm doing great. I just recently came back here in Korea since I've been working for the past six years in LA."

Soobin unconsciously takes a heavy breathe in, finding it easier when he responds, "Welcome back then, how's your stay in LA?"

Yeonjun licks his lips, pondering before answering a curt, "It's fine."

Soobin nods.

"I have my own dance studio there, I'm planning on building one here in Seoul too," Yeonjun continues.

Soobin chuckles, loosening his neck tie so he could breathe easier, "I heard you're a chief choreographer, huh, that's good to hear."

Yeonjun bows his head as he laughs easily along with him, shaking his head, "Enough of me. How have you been?"

Caught off guard by the question, Soobin freezes momentarily before flashing Yeonjun a small smile, if Yeonjun noticed his hesitance to answer, he didn't say anything.

"Doing good."

_Missing you._

Soobin bites his tongue.

"You're one of the biggest artists now," Yeonjun jokingly says, "I'm kinda honored talking to you like this right now."

Feeling suddenly shy, Soobin bows his head and scratches his nape, "No, not really."

Yeonjun shrugs dismissively at him.

Silence wrapped around them again, muffled sound of the song inside the hall playing in the background.

It wasn't all too awkward, but not too natural either. Soobin wonders if this is his cue to leave Yeonjun alone or he should say something, if he could talk to him more, if he could take this time to apologize.

Before he can decide, Yeonjun beats him to it, speaking casually like his words don't really have the power to make Soobin crumble beside him, "It's nice to see you living up your dream now."

Soobin blinks, brain short circuiting for a while. He got reminded of the fact that Yeonjun was there when he first dreamt of being an idol, when he auditioned the first time and failed, when he tried again, several times again and when he got in, when he started training. Yeonjun quietly supported him on the side, offered a hand when he stumbled, comforted him when he cried and watched him grow.

Yeonjun was there during the painstakingly long process and Soobin didn't even let him have the chance to be there with him when he got to the finish line.

He wasn't there anymore when he debuted and Soobin tries hard to swallow down the guilt in his throat, blinking several times to hide the way his eyes teared.

"I'm sorry," that was all Soobin could say before his voice completely wobbles.

Yeonjun didn't look at him, simply gazed up at the sky and at the moon watching them from above, muttering, "What are you sorry for?"

_For everything._

But before he have the chance to answer him, about to open his mouth, someone spoke behind them and when he turns around, it's his manager.

"Soobin? It's 5 minutes before your speech, you have to get back inside and be on stand by."

Soobin gulps, looking back at Yeonjun first who's staring at him with an unreadable look in his eyes, before approaching Minhyun.

"Yeah, okay."

When he looked back again, Yeonjun wasn't looking at him anymore.

* * *

Being with Choi Yeonjun is simple and Soobin thinks it has always been like that, so it will stay like that as well.

But life isn't as simple as Soobin likes to think it is. 

Five years together, three as friends and two as a couple, Soobin and Yeonjun know each other well enough already and not just in some best friend level where you know how your friend reacts when they're happy or sad or mad and how they look each morning and night, how they like styling their outfits or their hair. 

Soobin and Yeonjun know each other in every possible way, closely, deeply, intimately. Soobin knows Yeonjun's ticklish spots, knows how much the older likes waking up with kisses, he memorizes the shape of his lips, every part of his body, knows how Yeonjun likes being cuddled, he could picture his smile even with eyes closed, knows when to push and when to give space. 

And Yeonjun knows Soobin so well too, perfected the way he could coax a kiss from him, knows where to touch, where to kiss, knows how to make him tremble, when he needs him, memorizes the way Soobin liked being handled, knows Soobin even more than he knows himself.

And Soobin likes the way things are, likes that it's Yeonjun, likes that it's him who knows those things about the older too.

But they're both living in a world people aren't so accepting of who they love. 

Soobin at 15 knew already who he wanted to spend his lifetime with. He thought it wasn't normal being attracted to another guy so he hid.

Soobin at 20 is still as certain as ever of that person. He comes to realize that being attracted to the same gender wasn't a bad thing, so he refuses to hide. It wasn't even about what's the norm or what other people would accept. Soobin thinks, it's about respecting, both yourself and other people.

He refuses to prioritize other people before his happiness. This is who he is, Yeonjun is who he love. Why should he let other people dictate him otherwise? Why should he let them tell him what's right when they're doing nothing wrong in the first place?

Soobin feels frustrated because there will always be differences. Opinions, beliefs, principles. And the only thing they should have as similarity is respect but other people wouldn't even give that.

He just got out of his house when he texted Taehyun if he could crash in his apartment for the night, the younger immediately saying yes.

Soobin sighs as he sits on the swing on the playground near their middle school, the sun had set that throws a tarp of darker shade of dimness in the surroundings. The playground was desolated at this hour, barely 6 in the evening. 

Growing up with a religious family raised him to be who he is today. As he grew up, he came to realize that religion only contributes a small factor on what your morale would be as you grow older and that awareness isn't even about religions or sexualities, it's about acceptance and respecting. 

He doesn't understand how his family wouldn't accept his sexuality nor the person he loves just because it's not in the social norms. Fuck social norms. Prejudiced mindset from people about sexual orientations shouldn't even be normalized.

He shuts his eyes and tips his head back and when he opens his eyes again, the sight of the starlit sky welcomed him. 

"What's the problem?"

Soobin lightly jumps in his seat when someone suddenly spoke beside him. When he looks over, he sees Taehyun taking a sit on the swing beside his.

"Nothing," he replies indifferently.

"Liar," Taehyun mumbled but didn't ask more. Simply hums a tune under his breathe that Soobin appreciates immensely because his presence was enough to comfort him.

Sometimes, he doesn't need words, he only needs presence to remind him he's not alone and Taehyun knew that well.

Soobin sways his seat gently, his feet, though, still firm on the ground. "Strange, isn't it?"

Taehyun looks at him, bright eyes looking at him curiously, "What?"

Soobin takes a deep inhale, "You know yourself better than anyone yet you crumble at the words of someone who hasn't even lived a second of your life."

The younger doesn't repond, only listens to him and nods. 

Resting his temple on the strap of the swing and feeling relieved at the cold touch, Soobin suddenly says, "I love Yeonjun."

"You do," Taehyun says as a matter of fact, certain as he looks back at the older.

Soobin closes his eyes, "And there's nothing wrong with that?"

His voice sounds so small and he hates it but he can't really do anything when he, himself, feels small at the moment. He feels like his heart is shrinking.

"Of course," Taehyun smiles at him and takes his hand, holding it loosely on his lap.

"Okay," Soobin nods and sits upright, "Okay," he repeats, stronger this time.

Taehyun gives his hand a squeeze.

Sometimes, people don't need a long advice, they just need an assurance.

And Soobin is glad Taehyun gave him that.

* * *

Today, Soobin wakes up in December to snow piled thick and high outside the street, a familliar urge to drown himself with tears and pain will never come curdle in his guts. The curtains in his room were drawn but even then, everything still seemed so dim, a tarp with darker shade of black taunts him even behind his lids that carries lethargy in between sniffles and sobs that Soobin produces. 

Today is one of those sporadic time given to him for rest, usually infrequent moments like this has him grasping the little amount of time he was granted and spending it with soundless sleep or relishing in the comfort of foods, but today gives an exception to that uncustomary routine as much as Soobin refuses to succumb to such abrasive idea. 

He doesn't like to admit it, he keeps denying but refusing to acknowledge the stabbing pain and the unmissable longing growing inside him was unbearable. They kept Soobin awake during hours that he should be sleeping, his body was begging for him to rest but the gears inside his head remain dormant that just makes his body more wear out, it was depressing. 

In a few fours, Minhyun will come and escort him to his only (final) schedule, probably the worst part of the day so far (if getting no sleep will be included, it will come second). The unwillingness in his guts to attend a dance practice with Yeonjun (alone, Soobin tries not to point out) suffice him with sundries images of him ditching the whole ordeal. 

But he knew how punctual and sharp his manager is and even if he managed to escape, there was a hundred percent possibility of fans spotting him anywhere he stay. And Soobin doesn't really want to spend his esteemed time listening to Minhyun's gratuitous scolding, he'd rather not, so the escape plan was cross out. 

Come 7 in the evening, there was a silent sound of door opening and Soobin gets a glimpse of his manager wrapped up in a layering coat and hair littered with snow. Soobin doesn't realize when it started raining snow, barely has time to skim beyond his lids and notice that the temperature is slowly decreasing that has him shivering under the blankets. 

Soobin doesn't know if it's over the fact that he was unwilling to do this whole gauntlet of torture or it's just because simply of time that everything that he does leaves only line of blurrs in his head and before he knows it, he was already alone in front of a door with a sumptuous sign of _'dance practice room 2'_ hanging mockingly. 

He doesn't really understand why can't he be professional in front of Yeonjun, or why his knees automatically buck whenever he recalls what happened last night. Then again, he opts not to dwell on it. And by the time, he just realized he's already been standing in front of dance practice room for 15 minutes. 

Contemplating if he's ready for what will welcome him, if he'll be ready ever. But as though the world plays with him, as soon as he swings open the door, he comes face to face with an enormous, dilated pupils. 

Soobin looks up, gaze flicking uncertainly up the contours of sharp collarbones, porcelain-like flesh, defined jaws. The urge to slam the door and back out immediately flickers the burning fire inside his chest and everything seems too much.

And good heavens, why does Yeonjun have to look so fucking ethereal even with a simple sweat tee and pants and disheveled hair and chapped lips? This is not what Soobin came for, certainly. 

"How long have you been there?" Yeonjun asks, with a crease of his brow. Soobin averts his eyes, everywhere— anywhere there wasn't Yeonjun. 

"Just— just now," Soobin wants to smack himself for stuttering because it's not fucking professional in the slightest and he's ashamed to call himself a veteran in this industry.

He's so far from that whenever Yeonjun looks this good up close.

Yeonjun chews on his lips and seems to be thinking of something still when he motions for the idol to go inside with a flick of his head. 

Soobin insists to start already as soon as they're both settled inside the room, and plays the music himself to run through half of the choreography that has Yeonjun's eyes riveted only at him for the whole 2 minutes. 

But when the choreographer starts to teach him the remaining steps, everything starts to crumble. The courage, the masks, the smiles, the focus, Soobin and Yeonjun. 

Soobin tries to shake off the bugging thoughts that swarm inside his head but fails miserably. Yeonjun feels _too_ close and it's suffocating him. But he tried again and again nevertheless. 

But because he was so distracted throughout the entire session, he messed up a lot in the choreography and was told by Yeonjun to focus. Soobin felt bad that he was letting his personal issues get in the way (gradually the person beside him was the main reason) when he's been doing this his whole life and he worked so hard to achieve all the accolades he received and still striving hard for a win, so in the end, he acquiesced. 

They managed to get through the second part of the dance with minimal errors for the fifth time Yeonjun explained the moves and the beat. But matters get worst when Yeonjun had to teach him a part of the dance with a lot of hip-thrusting. Soobin didn't think blood could rush so fast into his face. 

"Listen, so what you need to do is keep your upper body stiff while your pelvis goes back and forth like this for four counts," Yeonjun demonstrated easily. 

Soobin who's watching this happening in front of him, was ready for an early death. 

"You've done this before, it shouldn't be so hard."

Soobin jolted out of his stunned stupor, "A-ah yeah," He hoped his face wasn't as red as he thought it'd be.

Yeonjun squints his eyes at his odd behavior but didn't push it. He gestured for him to try what he did and Soobin copied him but apparently he was too stiff to execute it well because Yeonjun asks him to do it again. It went on for a few times until Yeonjun decides to get hands-on. 

"Okay, you've got the rhythm right. Just focus on your hips rather than the moves, don't think too hard," he scratches the bridge of his nose and places his hands on Soobin's hips after, encouraging them to move the way he wanted them to and Soobin feels heat travelling faster than light to his whole being, and was just about to die on the spot. 

Yeonjun's touch isn't controlling but gentle, the warmth from his palms searing even through the cottons of his shirt. Even though Yeonjun kept a professional distance between them, the little skinship was enough to fry his brain. 

"Soobin? Focus on my hands." Yeonjun said, his voice right beside Soobin's ear as if he was whispering something secretive to him. 

Soobin jumped away before he actually self-combusted right then and there. Stuttering out excuses about going to restroom or something about drinking water. 

Soobin only breathes when he's already a step away from his now confused choreographer, taking stiff steps toward the restroom to calm his rapid beating heart. 

Why does Yeonjun likes to give him heart attack every fucking time. 

He slams the door shut and brings himself to face the mirror. 

"Holyshit, Choi Soobin. What the fuck?" He asked dumbly. 

When he saw his reflection, he almost threw himself on the toilet, he was beating red, hair disheveled and all, his lips feel dry but were actually moist from all the lip licking and biting, his throat feels dry and his skin tingles with unknowing tension. It feels seriously draining. 

He sucks a mouthful of air as he lets his sight leave him and splashes water on his furiously slash embarrassingly blushing face, ruffling his hair after out of frustration. 

The air between them was obviously thick with something more than tension. Soobin couldn't put a word to it. It was being disregarded by either of them and it's getting more and more painfully exasperating, it wasn't even worth it but it's riling him up with something quite more than exhaustion, perhaps impatience? Anticipation? Want? It's confusing, but it's also a moment of unspoken eureka. 

He wants Yeonjun to want him too, to have the same effect on him like he was a goddamn virus, turning all his systems down in one go and then backtrack him. He wants—no, he needs Yeonjun to feel the same, without remorse, without warning. 

But he can't have that, they both can't have that. Soobin have to pull himself together.

Right. That's the first step, after all.

"Choi Soobin, get a grip," he murmurs and gently slaps each of his cheeks to wake his senses up.

He takes a deep breathe one last time before he opens the door and faces Yeonjun again.

"I'm sorry for that," he apologizes and flashes a small smile, "Just wasn't feeling all that well."

Yeonjun looks like he wants to say something but in the end, he just averted his eyes and went back to his place in front of the mirror to start the practice again, "Then let's finish early today."

Soobin nods and cocks his head when he hears a hint of impatience in the dancer's voice, wondering why. He shrugs and tries to focus on the practice once more, channeling all attention on memorizing the steps instead of the person teaching them, throwing unnecessary thoughts at the back of his mind and burying them deep so they won't creep back in his mind. 

He wants to finish this early too. The longer he stays with Yeonjun, the more brain cells he loses.

They managed to get over everything easily by the time midnight rolled around. The backup dancers arriving one by one in the morning that Soobin run through the whole choreography with for the whole morning.

Yeonjun and Jaehyuk, his choreography director, monitor him the whole time, pointing some things here and there and changing a few things to make the choreography better.

By the time lunch came, Soobin feels so exhausted already but he pushed through. He's been dancing straight for 17 hours already and this time, feeling unwell wasn't an excuse anymore. 

When Jaehyuk announces an hour break, Soobin collapses on the floor, not minding the people around him.

Someone taps him on the shoulder and when he looks over, he's surprised to see Beomgyu. He sits upright and looks at him, shocked, accepting the americano drink he gave him, feeling incredibly relieved for the cold taste.

It's December and it's probably negative degrees outside but because he's in a studio, closed off and there's literally a heater, he's feeling warm, plus the fact that he's been dancing. He needed a cold drink so bad.

"Hey," he greets him

"How is it going?" Beomgyu asks him, sitting beside him on the floor.

"Tough," he groans and lays back on the floor.

Even without looking at him, Soobin can hear the eyeroll in his voice, "I'm aware and that's not the answer I need."

"What do you need," Soobin states rather than ask.

Soobin's eyes avert to where Yeonjun is, silently discussing something with Jaehyuk in the corner of the room. He knows what Beomgyu is asking but he doesn't know what to answer him.

"Nevermind," Beomgyu shakes his head, "Do you want to eat?"

"I want a nap," Soobin responds.

Beomgyu left him alone after a while and Soobin watched him approach Yeonjun instead. Soobin watches their interaction with narrowed eyes and feels both envious and happy when they laughed together by what Beomgyu said.

"Traitor," Soobin mumbles before groaning and covering his face with his arm to take a nap.

He got woken up by a dancer and he shook himself awake as he grabbed a bottle of water to drink from.

He placed himself on the center again and when the music started. They kept rehearsing.

"Soobin, let loose," Jaehyuk tells him after a while, 45 minutes in to the rehearsal, "You looked exhausted, people won't need to see that."

"I'm okay," he replies, out of instinct than of sincerity.

He sees Beomgyu shaking his head at the edge of his periphery and he gets reminded of Yeonjun's presence too when he saw him standing beside Beomgyu.

He bites his lips and tries for a smile.

_Fuck._

* * *

He gets swept off by hectic schedule soon. A midst jacket shooting and music video filming, he occasionally meets Yeonjun in the management for brief, counted minutes.

They share a smile at some point, sometimes a look and Soobin gets reminded of his presence back in his life.

It's so easy to forget his worries when he gets so busy with work, being shipped from places to places for filmings and guestings. He have this smile practically glued on his face all the time, in front of the camera, to all the fans, staffs, artists he faces on a daily basis. It has become so easy for him to get into the skin of someone he created so people would see him happy with his life, to get in to the character he built so he could pretend that he's not crumbling inside.

A month after, Minhyun arranged a party after they finalized everything for his comeback as a celebration of some sort. Soobin badly wanted to ditch and use the time to rest instead after stretching himself thin this whole time but he can't really say no to all the people he's indebted to for the success of his comeback preparations. So instead of being ungrateful, he smiled and said yes.

They rented a restaurant for the whole crew for a business dinner, sharing a beer and a laugh under the artificial glow of chandeliers.

Beomgyu, his ever talented producer was there and as usual, being the social butterfly and crowd's favorite that he is along with Huening Kai, who effortlessly charmed everyone in the room by just simply smiling. 

Choi Yeonjun is there too, of course, and their gazes have met for several times already. Yeonjun never really talked to him, just congratulated him early in the evening before the foods were served, his smile friendly. Soobin didn't know how to react so he simply thanked him and smiled genuinely for the first time that night.

Six years in the industry, Soobin still have something to prove. To someone. Soobin wanted to show off how rich he was, how awesome life could be after losing himself and giving everything up.

Tonight, he wonders if that someone is Yeonjun.

Or if it's himself.

After dinner, they had a drink. They shared a toss for a successful comeback that Soobin delightedly laughed at and thanked them for.

Soobin have enough tolerance with alcohol to confidentally preach about alcohol drinking but 20 minutes later, he's feeling a bit too tipsy already. Minhyun asked him if he needed to be driven home already but he refused because at some point, he realizes that he badly needed to wind down and alcohol is good.

He just excused himself to go to the restroom instead to sober up, stumbling in the hallway on the way to the comfort room and feeling relieved that there's no one to see him make a fool of himself.

Soobin yelped when he hit someone when he opened the door, apoligizing and halting when he realized it's Yeonjun. He's holding a phone to his ear, like he's talking to someone through a call so Soobin cuts his apology short and bowed his head instead.

Soobin goes directly to the sink after to rinse his face, feeling hot all of a sudden. When he glimpsed back at Yeonjun through the mirror, he watches him converse with someone on the phone, later on ending it and meeting his eyes when he did so.

Soobin's breathe hitches and he quickly broke the eye contact to wash his hands.

Soobin feels mildly unconscious when Yeonjun continues to stand there and watch him. He tries to distract himself but his brain eventually goes back to screaming why the older was staring at him like that.

Soobin clears his throat as he dries his hands with a tissue and speaks, "Is that your girlfriend?"

Yeonjun cocks a brow at his question, tilting his head to the side as he continues to stare at the idol intently.

He didn't answer and Soobin tries to gulp down the hurt he immediately felt rising like a bile in his throat. Huh, a girlfriend then. Good for him.

Soobin was about to excuse himself, decided on leaving this situation altogether and escape all the possible heartbreak he could get by simply continuing this conversation with Yeonjun but the older blocked the door, frowning at him.

"What are you sorry for?"

Soobin looks at him in shock, brain short-circuiting by the sudden question, "What?"

"At the party, you said you were sorry," Yeonjun takes a step closer to him and Soobin gets a whiff of his cologne, vaguely noting that he didn't change his perfume at all for the past six years. "What were you sorry for?"

Soobin blinks and takes a step backwards, giving himself time to redeem himself as he reminisces that night at the party in the garden. He bites his lips, mind racing a hundred miles per seconds. 

_For everything._

"It's nothing."

Soobin watches Yeonjun's eyes darken for a second that he briefly wonders if it really happened. This conversation and Yeonjun's presence sober him enough, the alcohol suddenly draining out of his systems.

"It's not nothing," Yeonjun clenches his jaw as he looks away, continuing, "Choi Soobin, what are you sorry for?"

There are a lot of things Soobin was sorry for and he's not brave enough to apologize yet. It's always so easy to have mistakes but gulping your pride down and apologize for them is easier said than done.

That's the thing about people isn't it. They break you then say sorry like it fixes everything. Soobin is exactly that kind of person to Yeonjun.

He's a coward so he swallows hard and says, "I have to go now, I'm sorry."

Yeonjun wasn't able to say more when Soobin walks past him and rushes to exit the comfort room.

When he got back, he asked Minhyun to drive him home, briedly apologizing and bidding the staffs good bye. He did not return Beomgyu and Kai's stare at him as he turned his back, already walking out.

Minhyun follows him suit, keeping silent as he sees Soobin's hand trembles as he opens the car door.

He did not ask anything, just drove him home even when Soobin starts sobbing at the back of the car, his voice muffled but Minhyun can still hear him.

Soobin covers his mouth with his hands to stop the sob that wacked his body, trying to keep it down but he feels like everything that he bottled up in the past six years comes flooding out of him right now.

He stopped crying a long time ago and he doesn't want to cry but right now, he can't seemed to stop crying. 

He bends his body in a futile attempt of burying his face on his lap to muffle his sobs but even that makes him feel more miserable than ever.

His apologies to Yeonjun will be six years late. His cries right now are six years delayed too.

_What do you wish you had said?_

* * *

Soobin feels like he just crashed onto the shore, except he keeps getting pulled back by the waves. Like water is filling his lungs as his vision goes black and he doesn't know how to swim. 

He doesn't know where things start to go wrong too. He couldn't exactly pinpoint when he lost control. It just happened like one day, opening his eyes and realizing everything's crashing down and he can't do anything but watch it all go wrong. Like being chained down in his place, paralyzed and stuck to watch everyone turn their backs on him.

That, or Soobin was the first one who turned away.

He stares at the paper laid across him. Chaeyeon, a BigHit staff, sitting in front of him with her arms crossed, waits for Soobin's reaction.

Soobin refuses to give her any though, face flat as he gets the paper and his eyes scan it briefly before he looks back at her, his voice weak when he asked, "What's this?"

"Your contract," Chaeyeon uncrossed her arms, leaning them on the table instead and looking at Soobin closely, "Your debut preparations are all done, Soobin-ssi. All that's left to do now is to perform."

Clearing his throat, Soobin looks away and tries to gulp down the anger threatening to eat him whole, "I know that, I'm asking what's this?"

He knows he sounds rude but he can't really do anything about it when he feels like everything is coming down on him in slow motion.

"You've read all the conditions, Soobin-ssi, right?"

He clenches his jaw, his hands trembling under the table as he grips the paper tight, channeling all his frustrations there.

Soobin didn't answer so Chaeyeon continued.

"You're aware that idols, especially those who are starting their careers, have dating ban, right?"

He knows it. He's aware of it. But Soobin, in the midst of dreaming and training, hopes that it could be different, wishes that things could be different to him. He's a fool to think that.

"What do you want me to do?" Even weak, Soobin managed to utter the words.

"We're not going to tell you what you have to do, Soobin-ssi. You to decide that for yourself."

Chaeyeon's voice is kind and gentle but something about it riles him up or maybe, it's not her voice but the words she's saying. They stab him straight in the chest, repeatedly, until he feels like he can't breathe anymore.

Yeonjun. He needs Yeonjun.

"I..." He gulps a lump in his throat, "I'll think about it."

Chaeyeon leans back in her seat again and stares at him and Soobin hates how he sees so much pity in them.

"It wouldn't even an issue if it's a girl," She says it kindly but Soobin feels a bile quickly rising in his throat when he heard it, "But you know how some people aren't accepting of relationships like yours, Soobin-ssi."

He did not react nor respond. He simply sits there, waiting for her to continue, waiting for the final blow.

"But you know how Homosexuality faces unique legal challenges and discrimination here in Korea," Chaeyeon's voice hits him hard, punching him numb.

Those words.

He's hearing those words again.

"Let's be honest here, Soobin-ssi," Chaeyeon sighs and she looks torned about whether saying more would be a good thing or not, "No Korean Label would let you debut as a gay idol no matter how talented you are. That would only ruin you."

Soobin blinks because he knows that well, knows with his every being that she's right but that's something he refuses to accept.

Chaeyeon, no, Bighit is letting him decide. They want him to choose. It's Yeonjun or his dreams.

Yeonjun or nothing.

A career or no one.

Soobin lets out an exhale, his hands trembling as he folds the paper into two and pockets it, standing up to escape this situation.

"I'll talk to you again," the words rush out of his mouth and he doesn't even realized he's saying them already.

He did not wait for her reply, already walking away.

Homophobia, of course, is still rife in South Korea. The country is less accepting of same-sex couples. Homosexual isn't banned but they're not accepting of it either. Soobin was aware of it since the start and he always tried to ignore the fact everytime.

Despite all that, korean idols regularly play act romance but behind the camera is a disgusting contradiction. The industry is so open about the shipping culture but record labels would be afraid to let their stars be open about their sexualities. 

To the point that homosexuality is even illegal in military, singling out that sexual relations between members of same sex as _sexual harassmen_ t, punishable by law.

Soobin snickers at the irony of it all.

_People would prefer to see men holding guns, than holding hands._

When he gets inside the studio apartment he's sharing with Yeonjun, he watches him converse with someone through the phone.

Soobin sighs as he sees him angrily smack the table in front of him, seemingly to be in the middle of an argument and Soobin already knew what it was all about already.

He looks down at his trembling hands and remembers the paper he held a while ago.

He doesn't want to choose.

When he looks back up, he meets Yeonjun's eyes and Soobin tries to give him a smile even though his lips are trembling again and he feels his heart shattering over a million pieces.

When Yeonjun ends the call, he immediately went to Soobin, hugging him on the waist and burying his face at the side of the younger's neck, sighing.

"How was your day?" Yeonjun asks him.

Soobin hums, wrapping his hands around the older too as he gently sways, feeling all the exhaustion from this day melt away with just a single hug.

"Fine," he shorty replied that Yeonjun didn't question anymore.

"Who's that?" Soobin gently pries in case the older is still annoyed about it and doesn't want to talk about it yet.

Yeonjun sighs and relaxes further in his hug, "Same shit."

"Don't be like that to your dad," Soobin calmly reprimands him and he smiles when he felt the older groan.

"Is he convincing you to go to LA again?" 

Soobin shuts his eyes close when he feels something loaded up in his heart, making it feel so heavy inside his chest.

"I don't want to go there," Yeonjun says, Soobin understands him even though his voice was muffled.

"I know," Soobin have nothing else to say except that because he doesn't want to say it's going to be okay when he's not sure of that, he can't say he understands too because he's not the one in Yeonjun's shoe. He could only comfort him because he knows.

Soobin doesn't want him to go there too.

He gulps down the words threatening to choke him, hugging Yeonjun close instead.

Today, he doesn't want to choose.

Today, it's just Soobin and Yeonjun.

When Soobin gets a call from his cousin from Ansan, he feels happy to hear from them again.

It's been several years since he last saw his relatives in Ansan, barely had time to visit them. His cousins and grandparents both live there, having a quiet life.

When Soobin answered the call, he welcomed them with a bright voice but when he heard his cousin sob through the line, he froze on his spot.

"Why are you crying, noona?"

_"Soobin-ah,"_ then a sob, _"Grandma had a heart attack last night, we immediately brought her to the hospital but now... Grandma... she's..."_

But Soobin doesn't need to hear the rest of his words anymore. He stares blankly at the wall in front of him, breathing labored as his mind races. He feels his heart breaking once again, shattering more until it's no longer a solid, tangible part of his body but simply a shamble of what used to be his heart. Just a million pieces broken.

That's when tears slam him in the face.

Somewhere faraway, he hears a wave crashed.

Soobin doesn't know how eulogies work but at the funeral, he tried hard to compose himself and get a few words out.

He wipes his tears and Yeonjun squeezes his hands tight on the side, giving him silent support.

"I don't know what to say," and that's the truth so he decided to start there, continuing with a shaky breathe, "Since I was a little kid, my grandparents were the ones who took care of me. To be honest, I was even more close to them than my own parents. They always bragged about me to everyone that sometimes, my cousin would tease them about it saying that I was their favorite and to be honest, that's the truth," he adds a little chuckle in the end, airy and heavy-hearted as the people in the funeral let out small, sad smiles.

"I always liked the feeling of being their favorite grandson and I have always been proud to say that I was raised by my grandparents because they did such a good job at it and now look at me, I'm preparing to be an idol now, grandma. My first memory of singing was in front of my grandmother in our living room, the television on while grandpa cooked something in the kitchen. I still remember it clearly, the smell of my grandma's favorite laundry detergent and teokbokki," Soobin gulps to take a pause, "They always encouraged me to pursue my dreams. They wanted to watch me perform on stage so bad," that's when his voice breaks but even then, he lets himself continue, "But before I could even do that, she.."

Soobin didn't need to continue. He licks his lips, thumbs and index fingers on the opposite ends of his forehead, he clenches his eyes shut, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"I promised them I would sing in front of many people one day and they promised to be one of those people," he lets out a shaky breathe, "But that's the thing about promises. To grandma, who accepted me with everything I am, who would always embrace me tight whenever I come home, I oath to fulfill my promise to you. I'd stand on stage and all you have to do is watch me."

Soobin makes it to the end of his eulogy but the moment he stepped away from the platform, he stumbles, as if pins and needles dip themselves onto the water. Yeonjun catches him and brings him out of the room.

Soobin doesn't look at his family, who cried in front, watching the casket lower. He doesn't remember much of the funeral, didn't even care about the lowly weather. He tries not to.

He doesn't look at Yeonjun too— at anyone because at that point, he knows what to choose but he can't bring himself to say it.

Though that day, the only thing stuck in his mind was this; his words, a few phrases at the end of his eulogy.

_Grandmother, who lived her life up to her last breathe and is so so loved, rest in peace._

_"And Enoch also, the seventh from Adam, prophesied of this, saying, Behold, the Lord comes with ten thousands of his saints."_

Now, they're ten thousand and one.

When Soobin goes back to Seoul, he was still out of it. Silently mourning in the deepest of his heart and contemplating by the whole debut thing.

When Taehyun comes to him, Soobin collapses in his embrace.

Taehyun always knows how to make him feel better, both through his words and actions. Soobin wishes he could erase the grief he's feeling too.

But instead, Taehyun, for the first time in their years of friendship, broke his heart more, tearing the pieces more as if it's not shattered enough. 

"Hyung."

When Soobin looks at him, his eyes teared.

"I'm going to LA soon," he bows his head down, seemingly can't meet Soobin's tear-filled eyes, "I'm so sorry to leave at this time of your life."

Soobin blinks his tears away, face scrunching when he fails to will them away, tears slowly falling down his cheeks.

"You're leaving me too?"

He hears Taehyun sniffle beside him that younger hid by looking away, "I'm so sorry."

Soobin lets out a huff, feeling more and more miserable when he hears his best friend say that.

He doesn't need apologies! Fuck apologies. He needs Taehyun's assurance right now.

That's what he badly needs.

Soobin messily wipes his face with his sleeves, his voice coming off as gruff when he speaks, "What about Beomgyu? Huh?!"

Taehyun's face crumples and Soobin watches him unbelievingly.

"He doesn't need to know."

Soobin can't do anything but to cry that time. 

He really can't say anything to Taehyun. After all, he's going to do the same to Yeonjun.

"Do me a one last favor, Taehyun," Soobin takes a heavy breathe in as he composes himself to stop himself from crying.

He looks at Taehyun and flashes him a sad smile.

"Bring Yeonjun with you."

* * *

_"What were you sorry for?"_

Soobin laid awake in his bed, staring blanky at his ceiling where there are artificial glowing galaxy twinkling down at him. 

He feels a tear slip down from his left eye down to his temple that he didn't bother to wipe.

He simply laid there, face blank as he reaches an arm up as if to reach the stars, fisting his fingers instead when it clenched on nothing but air.

Soobin blinks.

_(_ _"The moon was there with her through the night and stayed with her even during the day, even when the sun was brighter and the moon wasn't visible, he was just there, he was always there. He never went away." Hyung, why? )_

Soobin's adams moved when he gulps, feeling an onslaught of tears constrict his throat with the reminder.

He wonders, who was the moon between him and Yeonjun and who was the little girl.

Who stopped believing? Who never left?

Was it him? Was it Yeonjun?

Soobin shuts his eyes closed and that's when tears streamed down at the side of his face.

He feels the cold trail of the tears on his face and beyond that, he still feels the cold remnants of Yeonjun's words the night he broke things up between them.

_Hyung, why?_

* * *

Soobin licks his dry lips as he grips the pen tight with his fingers.

Chaeyeon watches him, pursing her red-tinted lips when Soobin only continues to stare at the paper laid in front of him.

When she gets enough of Soobin's hesitance, she speaks, "Are you just going to keep staring at it?" And raises a brow.

When Soobin gives him a blank glance, she clamps her mouth shut.

Soobin looks back down at the paper, at the words, at the dull, grey painted table, at his trembling hands, until his eyes landed on the bracelet Yeonjun gifted him that he wears proudly on his wrist. 

It's now nothing but an empty reminder of what used to be, of who used to be, of what they were supposed to be.

He inhales deeply before moving his hands.

_Signed by_  
_Soobin Choi_

When Yeonjun barges inside his room, his eyes wide and chest heaving, Soobin only gives him a glance.

He turns away from the window to look at Yeonjun instead, mustering his face to look nonchalant, hiding his pain by masking it with indifference.

Yeonjun clenched his jaw, looking at Soobin with something close to betrayal.

"Why did you..."

Yeonjun can't even finish his sentence.

"I did what must be done, Yeonjun," Soobin responds back and he finds it easier to mask his trembling voice by speaking louder.

"Why did you even talk to that old man," Yeonjun walks towards him and grips him by his shoulders, "Huh?"

Soobin shakes his hands off him, walking away from the older.

"Go to LA, Yeonjun—"

"I said I don't want to!"

Soobin flinches when Yeonjun yelled, looking back at him only to see him wiping his tears quickly and sniffling. Soobin's hand clenches uselessly behind his back.

"Don't be ridiculous, hyung," Soobin shakes his head and touches his nape as he avoids Yeonjun's eyes that despite the tears, still look at him with so much love, so much love Soobin feels like he doesn't deserve at the moment.

"You have to go, you have no future here," and then he whispers, "And neither I."

"I told you already, many times already," Yeonjun walks towards him again, this time to cup his cheeks that Soobin shakes off, pretending to be annoyed and he tried not to look at the way Yeonjun's hands fell at his side miserably, "I'll stay here with you."

Soobin huffs, gripping the strength he have left before he crumble completely. He pushes Yeonjun on the chest, tears already falling as he yells at him, "That is exactly the problem with you!"

Soobin looks up at him, his eyes tearing more when he met Yeonjun's gaze, "There's only so much I could take and I don't like this, Yeonjun. I hate this. I'm starting to get sick of this!"

_Lies._

Soobin angrily wipes his face and glares at Yeonjun through the curtains of tears in his eyes, "I don't want to continue this anymore. I'm so tired. Of everything! Of us!"

Soobin sobs as he covers his mouth with an arm, "Of you..."

His heart breaks more when he heard Yeonjun sob, once, twice and then Soobin couldn't count anymore.

"Just go," he weakly says, "Or you could just let me go."

Yeonjun licks his lips, going near Soobin again to wipe his tears away that he no longer have strength to shrug off, "Then rest. I could give you space, Soobin."

Soobin cries more when Yeonjun's face crumples, big, fat tears rolling down from his eyes as he whispers to him, "Just... just don't do this. Please."

Sobbing harder, Soobin takes his time to reboot, to try again. He's slowly running out of strength. He have to let Yeonjun go while he still can.

A thin string holds Soobin together.

Soobin gently pries Yeonjun's fingers off his face, smiling sadly at the older.

"You know the saying," Soobin takes a breathe in, "If you really do love someone— even if there are millions of reasons to leave, you would still find one to stay," he bites his trembling lower lip, "Maybe that's a bit irrational, because there must be an explanation as to why you had millions of reasons to leave in the first place."

Yeonjun freezes, only watches him take several steps backwards, tears streaming down his face silently as he watches Soobin leave.

"I don't want this anymore, Yeonjun hyung," Soobin slowly evens out his breathing until he feels like he can finally breathe Yeonjun for the last time, "Let's end it here."

Yeonjun looks at him with so much pain that Soobin wishes he could take his words back. 

Soobin could only hope at that one moment that his love for Yeonjun would find a home in another time.

A thin string holds Soobin together and it snaps into two when he takes a final step backwards before he completely left.

"Let's break up."


	4. fourth note

A lot of things come to mind when you asked someone about Choi Soobin. They'll tell you he's handsome or that he's a great artist, talented and a well-mannered idol.

But beyond the layers of his skin was vulnerability. If you peel his mask off, Soobin thinks, the right word to describe him is that he's a coward.

A coward and nothing else.

All these years, he tried so hard to hide behind the shell of a hard misanthropic. Was it hypocrisy? He doesn't exactly know.

Soobin is an idol. Someone who people look up to, who inspires and lives off money and fame. He started going through that path initially out of passion but somewhere along the way, it faded and got pushed away by responsibility.

He wanted to be an idol so he trained and when he wanted to stop, people were expecting from him. They wanted him to continue. They wanted to watch him perform and at some point, Soobin wanted too until he didn't anymore.

It wasn't just the thought of his future that weighed him down and pressured him to push through. But there were a lot more who nudged him repeatedly until he crumbled at the pressure and succumbed. When he said he wanted to be an idol, people were happy to hear it and supported him all the way until he couldn't tell them he didn't anymore.

The burden of their expectations weighed him down and buried him ten feet underground so he pushed through and claimed he wanted it still, the title and everything that came with it.

Now, six years after, success and money weighed him down more, buried him deeper until he can't breathe on his own anymore.

Soobin was happy to perform, the fans made him genuinely happy but whenever he felt like he was, the reminder of the things he lost to get where he is takes something in his core and he feels a big part of himself was lost again. He can't seem to find it no matter how hard he looked.

Six years ago, he lost two people very important to him and he found that while he was the one who lost them, he was the one who couldn't find his way back.

When his grandmother died, he felt a part of him died with her. When he let Yeonjun go, he left his heart with him.

Maybe, that was the reason his wounds still bleed even after he put on a bandage. Nobody really told him that the healing hurts more than the wound.

When his comeback date was announced, he was bombarded with congratulatory messages and greetings from his acquaintances in the industry, as well as the much enthusiasm and excitement of the fans. It wasn't the first time but everytime it happens, the world explodes on him.

As he laid there inside his dark room, he came to the realization that all this time, he was wasting time doing something he wasn't entirely fond of doing.

It wasn't performing but of pretending. His passion for music didn't really fade nor went away, it got heavily masked by pretenses of commitment and happiness he feels devoid of.

He feels empty not because he's not happy being an idol but because he have to pretend to be able to continue to be on that path. He wasn't even being honest to himself all this time, let alone to the people who admire him.

It's bittersweet to be someone he both wanted and regretted to be.

Soobin, 27 years old, feels empty.

It was dead silent inside his dark room, there's no sound except his breathing and everything was calm but outside the four corners of his room, the world feels like it's exploding right on his face. It was dark, save for the rays of the moon that passes through the window beside his bed that barely illuminates his solemn face and he can't really see anything as he blankly stares at his ceiling but he still feels like he's being watched by thousands of prying eyes, feeling naked with clothes on.

( Sihyuk's voice sounds taunting, "If you're not what people expect you to be, if you stop living up to your reputation, then who are you? Who will care?" )

"Myself," he finds himself answering.

If he's not what people expect him to be, if he stop living up to his reputation, he will still be Soobin. Nobody really taught him how to love himself and he doesn't have any idea how but he thinks he would like to be there for himself too.

Soobin feels bad at that moment with the fact that no matter the swarm of people who support and love him, he still finds it in himself to feel lonely. He feels guilty because the loneliness he's feeling right now stemmed out from the fact that he's not receiving their love well. He feels selfish at the thought.

His feelings are still valid though. The loneliness crept up to him and manifested inside his head no matter how hard he adamantly shakes off the feeling.

_What should I do with this loneliness?_

"It's okay," he whispers, "You have yourself."

* * *

After attending a meeting with the executives and his comeback plans have been finalized _finalized_ (there are so many people he had to get through to have everything _completely_ finalized, that was the most tiring part), Beomgyu insisted to meet with him so he acquiesced and made time.

He met Beomgyu during lunch in a bar somewhere in the secluded part of Gangnam. The colored lights are dimmed and there's a quiet music playing in the background as people mingle with each other. There's no crowd, just a bunch of people here and there having a casual talk with each other.

The bar is nothing like how it usually is at night. In the morning, it's more like a sophisticated restaurant minus the foods and add the alcohols.

When he sat down beside Beomgyu's hunched figure in the counter, he gave him a look underneath his cap.

"Why here of all places, Beomgyu," he states, rather than ask, exasperatedly. He didn't bother taking his mask off since he have no plans to drink, he still have a radio guesting in an hour and getting tipsy wasn't really at the top of his list when he's going on a talk show later.

Alcohols always make him stupidly braver and it's something he doesn't need right now. He might spill more than he's allowed to later if he gets drunk.

He hears Beomgyu groan beside him so he leans closer to the younger and narrows his eyes at him as he scans his messy hair and the prominent bags under his eyes. He looks paler too.

"You look like a big eyesore right now," Soobin kindly informs him.

"Wow, shit, thanks," Beomgyu puts his elbows on the table as he yanks his hair in obvious frustration.

This time, Soobin feels actually worried.

"Did something happened?"

Beomgyu buries his face on his arms as he lets out a groan again and Soobin pulls him to get him to sit upright and have a proper answer from him, not just some inaudible sounds Soobin could barely understand.

"Seriously, Beomgyu?"

The younger faces him dejectedly, though the expression he wears is blank.

"I kissed Taehyun."

"Yeah, okay, you kissed Taehyun so—"

Soobin freezes, looking back at Beomgyu right immediately that he felt a bone crack with how quick he turned his neck to second glance at Beomgyu.

"Hold up, pardon?" Soobin quirks a brow at him.

"Look, I've been trying to tell you since last two weeks that Taehyun—he's here but well, you were busy so I kinda just went along with it and decided to tell you all about it later which!"

Beomgyu clamps his mouth and Soobin wonders what's going on through his thick head, ready to hear whatever stupidity his friend did (because it's Beomgyu and he tends to be more dumb than a normal human being is allowed to) but Beomgyu looks like he's positively struggling to put two and two together and speak so Soobin scratches his brows and asks instead.

"What's wrong with it?"

"You're asking that?! I'm not supposed to kiss him. It was just supposed to be a goddamn talk. I don't even want to have any connection with him ever again but Kai convinced me to talk to Taehyun again so I kinda agreed to meet him for him and—"

"Not with the kiss, Beomgyu," Soobin sighs, "With meeting him again. What's wrong with meeting him again?"

Beomgyu paused, mouth opening and closing for several times as though he wants an answer for that too. In the end, he looks away and mutters, "Everything."

Soobin averts his eyes from him and leans on the table instead so Beomgyu won't feel pressured to talk with his eyes trained on him, "Yeah?" He urges him to continue.

"I just met him unexpectedly after all these years and I didn't really know how to react," Beomgyu starts, leaning back on his high chair, "To make the story short, I met him again, avoided him, Kai somehow figured that out, convinced me to have a proper talk with him so I went and met up with Taehyun and—"

"Stop right there, I can guess what happened next," Soobin tries hard not to stare at Beomgyu as he utters his next words, "What did you two talked about?"

The younger grew silent with his question so Soobin turns to look at him again to make sure he's still with him and when he did, something tugs at his heart at the pure devastation on his face, "We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

He reaches out to squeeze Beomgyu's hand for a second before ushering a bartender to fill Beomgyu's glass again and get himself one too, deciding that a few glasses of wine won't really hurt. He have to comfort Beomgyu first.

His friend is his number one priority right now and not some radio shit guesting.

"Remember when I was the one making a fuss over facing Yeonjun again?" Soobin takes a sip and doesn't really wait for Beomgyu's answer as he continues, "I was so scared to face him again because I was still so busy feeling guilty for the fallout."

Beomgyu joins him in drinking, slightly relaxing in his seat as he lets Soobin talk.

"I still do," he smiles a little then a sigh, "But somehow, I still had to face him so I just sucked it up and then went along with it and you know what? 6 years had passed and nothing really changed with my feelings for him which kinda—nah, not kinda, it's mega fucked up because there's really nothing I can do about it."

Soobin looks at Beomgyu and when the younger met his eyes, he gave him a gentle smile.

"That's not the deal with you though," Soobin purses his lips as he contemplates, "You've moved on, right?"

Beomgyu averts his eyes and clears his throat, "Of course," he shrugs.

"So why does it matter?"

The younger paused, pondering before answering, "I don't have feelings for him anymore but the pain, hyung," Beomgyu looks over at him and grins, "I still carry it."

Soobin blinks, feeling his throat closing up, "It must've been so heavy," he whispers.

Beomgyu lets out a heavy sigh as he lightly shakes his glass, "The kiss mattered because at some point, I was so convinced I've moved on but when I saw him again," he palms his face and the frustration is evident again as he shakes his head, "I felt hurt and inlove all over again."

Soobin can say nothing, only watches how the younger blinks the tears away. Beomgyu wasn't crying but the pain was all over his face.

He have no idea what happened between Taehyun and Beomgyu six years ago and he didn't really ask because Beomgyu didn't exactly want to tell him either. So all that time, he zipped his mouth shut and only watched how Beomgyu broke and built himself back up four years ago, watches how he broke his heart all over again three years ago and broke Kai's heart along the way.

Soobin looks away, fumbling with the glass he's holding. He pauses when Beomgyu speaks again beside him.

His voice is breaking all over the place as he mumbles the words, "He said he was sorry," Beomgyu inhales and Soobin watches how his own words cut him and make him crumble, "I know he wasn't sorry, hyung."

Soobin opens his mouth to ask, "Why?"

"He wasn't sorry when he cheated," Beomgyu purses his lips in a thin line before smiling sadly at him, "He's sorry he got caught."

* * *

Soobin is still thinking about Beomgyu's words until his back hits the mattress and his day finally ended with him tired to the bones.

He had to leave Beomgyu alone in the bar earlier than they compromised since Minhyun fetched him there earlier than the call time and he had no time to ask more about what Beomgyu said as the younger insisted it was okay and let him leave too.

Soobin had no idea about the cheating. He just thought that Beomgyu was mad at Taehyun because he just left so suddenly without a word, he never thought the conflict between them was much deeper. Beomgyu kept it from him because he probably didn't want Soobin to have a bad impression about their friend.

Or, he just doesn't really know the whole story. Only sees the surface and there's still so much things he doesn't know about, barely grazes the real story behind the three of them.

He feels bad knowing that the younger kept it all bottled inside him. It must've hurt him so bad if he's still carrying the pain inside him and Soobin feels helpless not knowing how to help him, much more with the knowledge that Beomgyu was having a hard time all by himself.

His schedule today ended at around 2 am and now it's literally quarter to four so he didn't really expect anyone to visit him at this time of the day but someone clearly doesn't care about the ungodly hour because just when he's about to close his eyes, the doorbell of his condo rang.

The idol groaned as he begrudgingly got up from his bed and trudged grumpily towards the door, expecting Minhyun to be the one standing opposite it. When he opened it though, Huening Kai was the one behind doors, holding up a plastic of beers while grinning brightly at him.

"What the fuck?"

Kai laughs at his surprised face before shouldering past him, going inside the condo before the owner even lets him in. He plops himself on the sofa and cocks his head to the side to invite Soobin to sit too.

The older rolls his eyes and clamps his parted lips shut as he complains, "What the fuck are you doing here? Do you know what time it is already?!"

Soobin sat beside him and took a can of beer from his hand as he glared at the younger.

Kai just shrugs, "Yup, I do," he checks the time with his watch before flashing a playful grin at the older's direction, "It's 3:48 am right now."

"Exactly!" Soobin leans back at the couch as he points at Kai accusingly, "You always bother me at the most random time!"

The model only laughs at him, not feeling a little bit sorry, "Well, I just got off a flight and went straight here. The timezones aren't really all that aligned."

Soobin decides to drop the subject in favor of catching up with him as he rolls his eyes, "Where were you? Attended a gala?"

"It's a photoshoot in Europe," Kai shortly replies, sinking deep in Soobin's couch too.

The older takes a swig and silence settled between them. There's a question at the tip of his tongue but he decides to hold it in and let Kai talk if he wants to. He doesn't want to seem like he's prying so he'll let Kai tell him all about it if he wants too.

"Taehyun's here in Korea," Kai starts conversationally.

Soobin faces him and raises a brow, "Yeah, you told us back in the restaurant."

He didn't say anything about Beomgyu and their talk earlier.

"Beomgyu must've already told you."

"Told me what?" Soobin plays clueless. He tugs at the hem of his sweater as he avoids Kai's knowing eyes.

"That they met," the younger shrugs, taking a sip before continuing, "And that I convinced him to have a proper talk with Taehyun again."

Soobin, figuring that there's no point hiding it, only nods curtly, "He did."

"I'm not expecting you to tell me how it went," Kai chuckles silently but it sounds lifeless in Soobin's ears.

Soobin bites his tongue, pondering as he scans Kai's expression warily.

"Are you okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" Kai grins at him, lips tugged in a wide smile that shows his teeth but Soobin still feels empty with the sight of it.

Soobin shakes his head, deciding not to ask more. Huening Kai will tell him if he wants to so he settles for a smile, grinning back at Kai as he directs his gaze at the coffee table.

"Yeah. Why wouldn't you be."

Soobin stares at Kai. He knows the younger is having a hard time too. There are things he doesn't tell them about and Soobin sincerely hopes he heals from the battles he doesn't speak aloud. Kai has always been vocal about things but never his emotions. That's one thing Soobin both hated and admired about him. He doesn't want Kai to explode before he can tell him all about his feelings.

"You? How are you, hyung?"

Soobin gets another can as he easily replies, "Good."

Kai squints his eyes at him, "I feel like that isn't the whole truth but whatever," he shrugs flippantly, "What happened back at the party?"

Soobin frowns and tries to remember what party was Kai exactly talking about before blinking for several times when he remembered the celebratory dinner with the management three weeks ago where he and Yeonjun talked. Kind of.

"Yeonjun, he..." Soobin trails off and bows his head down as he scratches a nail at the surface of the can he's holding, "He asked what I was sorry for."

Kai urges him to continue, "And what did you tell him?"

Sighing, Soobin massages his temples, "Nothing."

He tries hard not to snicker at the expression Kai was wearing, midly torned between feeling insulted and laughing because he looks genuinely done with Soobin, "Wow, the fuck is that."

Soobin glares at him because he knows already.

He knows he's being stupid.

"Tell me all about it."

"You should talk to him," Kai says after a while.

It's breaking dawn, the sun already starting to rise and Soobin knows he should but that doesn't mean he can.

"I know."

"You both need closure," Kai suggests, already half-laying on the couch, "Do you want to get back with him, hyung?"

Soobin looks at the big window in front of his couch, he can see Seoul slowly waking up from a deep slumber, the sound of roaring engines starting to mix with the hum of the breeze, along with the uproar of chatters of people, a whole multitude of buzz. It's a new day and Soobin decides to be true to himself for today. Even for just one day.

"I do," he swallows the lump in his throat, "But you know the thing about getting back together? It's that, the reason of your breakup shouldn't be a deal anymore the second time around and that... just won't happen to us."

"Why not?"

"We started because nothing is ideal and I ended us for the same reason," Soobin answers, "Nothing is ideal when it comes to love. I'm an idol and what will people say if they find out that the nation's boy is gay?"

He chuckles, gripping the can tightly between his fingers as he watches the way it crumples, "I wasn't allowed to love him freely back then and up until now, I still wasn't."

He feels the side of his face burning as Kai intently stares at him, boring holes as he scans the older, "But were you happy?"

A smile suddenly tugs at the edges of his lips and when he looks back up at Kai, he tells the truth, "No."

"Then get him back," the younger flashes him a smile and pokes his cheek, "Live for yourself, hyung."

Soobin doesn't say anything, only stares at the way the younger holds his hand between his palms.

"You won't be happy if you'll continue holding onto things that make you sad. You always make someone smile but don't forget that you're someone too," Kai takes the can from his hand and puts it on the table, the silent thud from it ringing long after it has came in Soobin's ears.

"True fans will stay loyal to you," and then Kai is sticking a note at the back of his palm, "You gotta know your worth even if it gets lonely sometimes."

When Soobin takes it and scans the numbers written down with careful strokes, he feels his heart thumping inside his chest, "What's this?"

"Why are you asking? You know already."

Soobin watches Kai get up and gather his things, preparing to go home already. Before he sent Kai off, he had one last question that he let himself ask just for this time.

"Why did you convince Beomgyu to talk to Taehyun?"

When Kai pretends not to hear him as he wears his shoes, he fired another question.

"Why don't you just keep Beomgyu to yourself, Kai?"

The younger stops on his tracks and looks back at Soobin sitting at the couch. The glow of the sun reflects in his eyes and only then does Soobin really sees the melancholy in his eyes.

"He means the world to me," Kai bites his lips and looks down, smiling gently, "But if he's not happy with me, I'll willingly let him go."

Soobin wants to protest, anything to contradict his words in a futile attempt of comforting him, of telling him it's going to be okay and that pain comes and goes and he just have to hang in there, that he just have to wait. But words fail him.

"Beomgyu is his own person. He's not mine to begin with."

Soobin gulps down the words threatening to spill. He doesn't like the sight of any of his friends hurting but this is what they've become in the end. Just broken pieces of what used to be a perfect puzzle of five.

So, he nods because he's got nothing better to say. Settling for a wave and a smile as he sends him off.

"Alright, take care."

He stares at the note on his hand. It felt heavy. The thing he's going to do feels too hard and he wants to succumb to the carnal part of his brain telling him to just ignore it. But he's had enough of his own cowardice.

He owes Yeonjun an apology and it might be six years late but he still have to give him that because sometimes, the only closure they need is the understanding of what they all deserve.

And Yeonjun deserves his apologies.

There is no right time. There is just time and what he choose to do with it.

So he grabs his phone and types the words.

As he flops himself back in the bed, he feels a tear slips down from his eyes to his temples.

Soobin wants Yeonjun to know how much he means to him and how his name plays in his head like a song on repeat when he tries to sleep at night.

His words stay in his head like ink and they taint him bad as reminders of his question haunts him.

( _What are you sorry for? )_

> _+82*********_  
>  _Everything._  
>  **_read._ **

* * *

There has to be a simpler method, Soobin thinks.

For the whole duration of his CF shooting, he refuses to check his phone. He knows Yeonjun already read his text message but he still hasn't replied and that's what makes Soobin anxious.

He tries to ignore the flutter of nervousness in his chest, there's no reason for him to get nervous really but this is giving him anxiety than he initially expected. Seriously, he's just overthinking this whole thing like what Kai said but he can't really help it. It's like an itch refusing to go away and it's almost impossible to reprobate, to be honest.

He tries to channel his focus instead on the shooting. His schedule is packed for today and he still have to check in on his VLive to communicate with his fans.

Through all of it, he tries hard not to glue his eyes back on his phone and finishes all his schedule on time. Ten hours later, his phone was given back to him and a free time Soobin doesn't exactly know how to spend without overthinking.

Minhyun is driving him back to his condo and while he's gazing away on the window, he gathers the remains of his courage this morning, grabbing his phone from his hoodie's pocket.

He stares at it for a while before sighing and opening it. Soobin holds his breathe when there was a message notification from an unregistered number.

"Fuck," he mumbles and he felt Minhyun throwing a look over at him.

His hands are trembling as he holds his phone near his face, thumbing through the screen.

> _+82*********_  
>  _soobin?_  
>  _**received.** _

He lightly palms his face when he realizes he forgot to say his name. He's been anxious all day, wondering what on earth was Yeonjun's reply. Yeonjun wasn't even sure it was him.

He replies a curt yes, figuring out that Yeonjun will be able to understand his first message without him having to say anything.

"What's up?" Minhyun asks, opening a conversation.

Soobin scrunches his brows together, "What do you mean what's up?"

His manager looks at him through the rareview mirror, rolling his eyes, "You've been real distracted since earlier."

Soobin throws an incredulous look back at him, "I'm not?"

His phone pinged in his hands so he wasn't able to hear Minhyun's reply as his heart rate doubles again.

> _+82*********_  
>  _let's talk_  
>  _**received**_.

Soobin's breathe hitches.

Yeonjun wasn't asking. He wants to talk and now that it's surely going to happen, everything starts to sink in Soobin's mind. They're really going to do this.

Soobin thinks back to all the things that happened in the past six years. It's been years but he realizes that he never really accomplished anything. All he did was to cause pain to the people who really mattered to him and most of all, he didn't even realize that the person he's hurting the most is his self. He wasn't fair to Yeonjun back then and he owes him an apology.

He realized he wasn't even a little bit fair to his self too and for that, he wants to forgive himself.

Soobin doesn't want to be tied to anything anymore. It was a simple realization but it took so much time before it hits him that sometimes, he doesn't have to be who they want him to be.

He can just be Soobin. He is Soobin.

And he wants Yeonjun back.

* * *

They said that the hardest lesson life could give is letting go. Whether it's guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal, change is never easy. People fight to hold on, people fight to let go.

That's the thing about life, it's a constant cycle of changes and sometimes you have to let go of things you cannot change and once you do, it would be the happiest moment of your life.

Soobin thinks, it's exactly what it feels like to finally be free. As he stands at the doorway of the dance practice room, watching Yeonjun's silhouette as he practices in the dark room, he feels like he's finally, slowly letting go.

Not Yeonjun, but of the past that no matter how many years had passed, still used to haunt him. His mistakes and greed trapped in him in an endless maze that hindered him to see just how many people really loved him. He thought he was alone but at the moment, he realizes he really wasn't.

Beomgyu was there. Kai was there. Minhyun was there and the rest of the world watches him 24/7 and it's not always a bad thing because it wasn't just the attention they shower him with, but love and support.

Taehyun feels close too. Even without communication, he knows he got the younger on his side because their friendship stretches farther than the distance between them.

And Yeonjun.

Soobin wants to be on his side too, to reach out, to touch, to speak and to be able to love.

( _"The moon was there with her through the night and stayed with her even during the day, even when the sun was brighter and the moon wasn't visible, he was just there, he was always there. He never went away."_ )

_Are you the moon, hyung?_

Soobin tilts his head as he watches Yeonjun pants, moving and dancing like there's nothing else he'd rather be doing.

Right there, in the middle of the dance practice room, Soobin watches Yeonjun glow. The fire in his eyes blazes and he's so achingly beautiful.

Soobin was hit with the realization that what he did was right. Six years ago, he let Yeonjun go so he can chase his dreams just as what Soobin did with his. Although he could've done that without hurting the other, he finds that while the pain they felt was piercing, it brought them to right places and to right destinations.

Letting go of Yeonjun was a plant of thorned rose that he embraced no matter how hurt he'd be. Tonight, letting go just feels like a long exhale.

Six years ago wasn't their time. Today, Soobin will make it about them.

When his eyes meet Yeonjun's in the mirror, he holds his breathe. He feels air getting sucked out of his lungs as the older stops moving and stares at him instead. His eyes are magnetic, Soobin feels like he can't ever look away.

There's a flicker of overwhelming turbulence of emotions on his expression but before Soobin could say something, it went away and the smile he sent in Soobin's direction melts his insides anyway.

Soobin is hypersensitive with the way his heart is thumping hard inside his chest.

"Hi," he weakly greets.

Yeonjun sits and leans back on the mirror, patting the space beside his to urge Soobin to sit there. Soobin complies without another word.

"Hi," Yeonjun greets back when Soobin was sitting beside him already.

Both of their legs are stretched, backs leaned on the mirror as they both stare at their reflection from the mirror they're facing. It's dark inside the room, the only light was from the gap between the door and the floor, light from outside barely coming in. There's only moon hanged in the sky to illuminate how Soobin tips his head down and fumbles with his fingers.

The music has long been turned off too and it feels like the whole world stopped to let both of them breathe in this moment.

Like the universe wanted it to be just them, just Soobin and Yeonjun and nothing else.

Yeonjun didn't say anything else and Soobin figures he should be the one to break the silence between them, he should be the one to cross the distance between them first because he was the reason for it in the first place. Soobin takes a heavy breathe in before looking at Yeonjun's side profile, whispering the words as if something's going to break if he speaks louder.

"I'm sorry for everything."

Soobin doesn't try to avert his eyes when Yeonjun gulped hard before smiling sadly at the floor. He lets himself see how vulnerable Yeonjun is right at that moment, he lets himself realize how much he really broke Yeonjun. He doesn't want to see the way the look of pain flashed on his face but he can't do anything else but look.

He have to look and face him and tell him he's sorry.

"Why?"

Soobin smiles at him, small and sad as he responds, "Because I chose to leave."

Yeonjun doesn't say anything, only lets Soobin speak and listens. Yeonjun always listens.

"I was torned and pressured. Your family talked to me about convincing you to go to LA and then the agency gave me a choice," he gulps before continuing, "There was so much happening and then I lost grandma—I was already broken and I broke myself some more when I decided to end us."

Soobin isn't crying but there are tears constricting his throat painfully. His fingers shake as he grabs Yeonjun's hand to hold.

"I lied when I said I got tired of you. At that moment, I just wanted all of it to end so I just decided to cut it all out because it felt draining to be constantly torned between two things I love."

Yeonjun isn't crying too but his eyes shine with unshed tears and maybe, his hands are slightly trembling too. He purses his lips as he keeps silent, listening to Soobin.

"I wanted both of us to achieve our dreams and it was selfish of me to not let you speak about it. That's why I'm sorry," Soobin bites his lips, flashing Yeonjun a smile yet again.

"But seeing you again, doing the thing you love the most, made me feel better because I used to hold you back and when I let you go, I didn't anymore," Soobin leans close to Yeonjun, squeezing his hand before letting it go, "I wanted you to fly in the sky so I let you leave the earth."

When Yeonjun spoke, his voice was stable, holds nothing of the vulnerability his eyes have. When he looks back up to meet Soobin's eyes, his brows are scrunched together, "I told you several times that you were my sky."

Soobin ignores the pang of pain, hearing the past tense but he only smiles more, "Back then, I shouldn't be anymore."

It grew silent after Soobin said that. Outside the four corners of this room, the world continues to run and toss and Soobin won't give it a single heed because right now, his world revolves around one person.

This time, Yeonjun was the one who broke the silence and Soobin feels the words that come out his mouth stab him.

"At first, I was just so hurt and mad," he starts, "To you, to myself, to my family. I didn't have any idea what went wrong. You just suddenly pushed me away. I felt so out of control, like holding a sand between my palms and no matter how hard I gripped it, I was still losing so much."

"I was mad but I was still so, so inlove with you that I'd take back all the anger in a heartbeat for just another second with you."

Soobin blinks away the tears and this time, he lets himself look away.

"Eventually, I wasn't mad anymore but just sad," Yeonjun licks his lips and heaves a breathe in, "I slowly understood you, the reason why you did that, what happened. I was just sad because you didn't explain it to me when you know I could've understood."

Yeonjun looks at him, his eyes sincere when he utters the words, "You know my love was bigger than anything and I'd always choose to understand you because you were a friend before you even became so much more."

That's when the first sob came and Soobin tries to hold it down as he mutters the words once again, "I'm so sorry, Yeonjun."

When Yeonjun cups his cheeks and wipes the tears that start to fall, Soobin feels like it's the first time all over again.

"You were long forgiven already but I wanted you to let it out of your chest so you can finally forgive yourself too," Yeonjun brings their foreheads together.

"Learn to love yourself, Soobin," he kisses his temple and whispers, "Before anyone else."

Soobin wants to stop dropping hints and just speak his truth, even if his voice breaks. He can break himself and built himself up for one person anyway.

He wants to say that he wants Yeonjun back or that he wants to try again, over and over again, that he only needs one more chance but he doesn't know how to phrase it without sounding like a total jerk after he literally broke Yeonjun's heart years ago.

But Yeonjun beats him to it, pulling Soobin close as he makes eye contact with Soobin's teary ones, caressing his cheeks as he flashes him a smile, the first, most genuine one tonight.

"Let's try again."

When Soobin finally gets to hug Yeonjun that night, he feels like he can finally breathe.

He feels like living again. He still feels undeserving of Yeonjun but he'll get there. He'll work for it because Yeonjun waited for him patiently and didn't give up on him and it's his turn to have faith to himself.

Soobin wants to learn loving himself with Yeonjun by side because Yeonjun is the person who saw his sky grow dark and didn't walk away.

If Soobin was the sky, Yeonjun will always be the moon who'll stay with him no matter what.

The moon isn't all alone anymore.

* * *

It's more of like wearing braces for years and then getting it off. The retainers follow for a short while and if you don't wear it that much, there's a huge chance your teeth might crook again.

It might be a weird metaphor but it's the closest and most decent Soobin could come up with. It's like fucking it all up before figuring it out and doing better, the fear of making mistakes was strong but nonetheless, you try.

That's the point anyway. Soobin tried and is still trying.

He's trying hard on a lot of things. He's trying not to mess up again, he's trying to be easy on himself and recognize the fact that he's trying and that it's enough. Soobin learns that he doesn't always have to be so hard on himself and that life won't be difficult if he can just be honest to himself.

He's trying with Yeonjun again and even though it might take a long time for their relationship to mend, he'll be willing to go the lengths just to have Yeonjun stay by his side.

They both wanted to try again but neither of them are rushing things and that's for the better. Time passed and there's still so much they had to learn again about each other and it's okay, beautiful things take time.

Each step Soobin takes, sets him free.

On the day his album dropped, along with his title track's Music Video, Soobin was overwhelmed with the enthusiasm of the public, mostly his fans.

His comeback premier showcase will start in an hour and everyone in the backstage are busy prepping so everything will be executed according to their plans.

If Soobin will be honest, he feels nervous today for some reason. He doesn't get easily nervous when it comes to performing, it's in his nature to give his best shot in the stage and he does it so well it doesn't even need a conscious thought anymore. Audiences don't make him nervous too, he's someone who thrives off their attention to even feel nervous with their eyes on him.

Soobin thought that maybe, it's because it has been months since he last performed in front of his fans. But as the clock continues to tick, he realizes why.

While he's lounging in the green room, busy memorizing the flow of the premier and taking notes of the monologues, a staff came in and told him that Beomgyu wants to visit him so he nods easily.

The person who came in though, wasn't Beomgyu in the slightest bit. Instead of black hair, it's a mop of styled blonde hair. Yeonjun came in, wearing a casual outfit of white tee and denim jeans with bonet, holding a bouquet of flowers in one hand.

Soobin can't help the surprised gasp that came from his mouth upon seeing the older, immediately standing up and welcoming him.

"Hyung? I thought you won't be able to make it?!"

After they talked about it, Soobin and Yeonjun just fell in an easy dynamic. Soobin's free time are all somehow automatically alloted to Yeonjun now. They meet as much as their schedule would allow them, settling with face time and text messages instead when they can't meet each other.

The routine has been going on since last two weeks ago and while it's been six long years, being with Yeonjun is still so easy for Soobin, almost like breathing.

Almost like it's only natural for him to live his whole life with Yeonjun. Often times, Soobin still believes that the rest of his life looks like Yeonjun.

They don't do anything like lovers do but they aren't exactly just friends with each other. It's hard to describe but Soobin thinks they're getting there and Yeonjun has always been his start line when it comes to things.

Like right now, falling inlove with Yeonjun feels like falling inlove with himself too. They're somewhere between the lines of more than friends but less than lovers.

Yeonjun reaches out to grab the papers he's holding and sets them down on the table so he can hold his hand, "You gave me a VIP pass and Kai has been whining on me, saying that I was privileged because you technically gave me one, while he got nothing."

Soobin chuckles at what he said, pointing at the bouquet of flowers with a pout, "And what's with the flowers?" He smiles cheekily and makes grabby hands on his direction, "Are they for me?"

Yeonjun snickers and jokingly raises the bouquet over his head so Soobin can't get it, "No," he creases his forehead, "I brought this for decoration."

Soobin's beam immediately got replace with fake annoyance, rolling his eyes as he snorts, "Get out."

Yeonjun laughs at him before handing him the bouquet, giving Soobin's hand a squeeze, "This is obviously for you, dummy."

That's when Soobin smiled again, taking it, "Why do I feel like a girl being courted?"

Quirking a brow, Yeonjun looks at him amusedly, "Are you getting swept off your feet?"

"No," he answers quickly.

The older chuckles and pulls him to sit, their hands still laced together, "Do well today."

"I always do well," Soobin states as a matter of fact, there's nothing cocky about it, just pure unadulterated confidence, "Especially today since you'll watch."

"So what if I will?"

Soobin opens his mouth to say that Yeonjun's eyes are different than the rest, that what Yeonjun would think of his performance will matter more than other people's but instead, he shuts his mouth up before responding.

"Because you're you."

"And?" Yeonjun asks, confused before shrugging, "I've been watching your performance since the start."

Soobin isn't drinking on anything but he chokes when he heard that, "What?"

"Oh, didn't you know?" Yeonjun grins at him playfully, "I'm a fan since debut."

He feels his ears slowly growing red, feeling embarrassed, flattered and endeared all at the same time.

"There's literally internet in LA, Soobin," Yeonjun raises a brow at him, watching at how Soobin's cheeks grow red that he tries hard not to cover in front of the older, "I even attended some of your concert tours especially in western."

"No, stop," Soobin covers his lips with a hand, "That's too much information, I don't need to hear more."

He feels Yeonjun smile against the skin and before he could process it, the older already licked on it, laughing loudly when Soobin practically yelped, both from surprise and disgust.

He cursed Yeonjun underneath his breathe, mumbling annoyed as he gets his phone when it rang.

Soobin answers Beomgyu's call, throwing one last look at Yeonjun, who leaned on his seat and tilted his head to watch him.

Soobin feels conscious and he looks away when Yeonjun smiled.

_[So, how's my congratulatory gift?]_

"The bouquet was from you?"

_[Yeah,_ then a laugh, _did Yeonjun hyung said it was from him?]_

Soobin glares at Yeonjun from his side who only shrugs at him while smiling cockily.

"Not exactly," _I assumed,_ "Whatever," Soobin focuses his gaze back on the table in front of him, rolling his eyes, "Anyway, thank you for that, Beomgyu. You won't be here?"

_[Something came up so I won't be able to attend, hyung but I sent someone to compensate, was it enough?]_

Soobin giggles to himself, nodding even though Beomgyu can't really see that, "Yeah, more than enough. It's a bummer you won't be here though."

_[This is just one time and come on, I bet you'd choose Yeonjun hyung's presence over mine in a heartbeat.]_

"It's good that you know," he replies jokingly, "No, but really, thank you Beomgyu, see you again soon?"

Soobin wants to talk to Beomgyu again and this time, really ask him what he's been feeling. He's had enough of just watching on the side, he won't pry but he thinks it's the right time to know about what really happened. If Beomgyu will just tell him where and when they'll talk again, he'll immediately drop everything he's doing for him.

Beomgyu has always been there for him. It's time he do the same.

There was a brief silence on the other line before Beomgyu answered quietly.

_[Yeah.. we will. But for now, focus on your showcase. You'll do great, hyung. Good luck and congrats again.]_

Soobin flashes a smile, humming before ending the call. When he looks back at Yeonjun again, the dancer is staring hard at him, his forefinger caressing his lower lip as the other hand plays with Soobin's that he's been holding.

Smirking, Soobin says, "Take a picture, it stays longer."

He remembers when they just started practicing the choreography of his title track. It was the first time they met again. Those are Yeonjun's first words to him that time and Soobin feels pettily triumphant to use that statement against him this time.

Yeonjun laughs, about to say something when the door of the green room opens and a staff came in.

Before Yeonjun left, he gave Soobin's hair a slight ruffle, "Do well."

"Stop saying that," Soobin bites his lips and looks down, "I feel more nervous because of it."

Yeonjun pretends to be sorry before pinching Soobin's cheek, "Fine."

Yeonjun sends him off to the stage with a whisper of, "Show them what you've got, Binnie" and a wink that nearly sets his heart ablaze.

Soobin feels like he can do anything with that simple encouragement from Yeonjun.

* * *

The showcase is a success.

Soobin can still feel the adrenaline running amuck in his veins after the curtains closed and the screams of his fans slowly died down. As the hall empties, he runs back to the dressing room. The stylists immediately flocked around him to help him cool down, wiping the sweat off his forehead and handing him portable fans.

As adrenaline fades, the fatigue slowly caught up to him, after the rock that's the showcase has been lifted from his heart.

Suddenly, he feels a rabbit headband being placed to his head and out of his instinct, he's about to take it off but a hand stops him from behind and when he turns around, he beams.

"Keep it on, you look cute with it," Yeonjun grins and then he takes several steps back, pulling out his phone.

Soobin is about to retort something and tease him about it just to be a brat, when there's suddenly a flash from Yeonjun's phone and he hears a snap alongside the older's delighted laugh.

"Yeonjun, stop," Soobin winces.

Yeonjun didn't stop, snapping several photos of Soobin more, who's mainly grimacing at the light. Who the fuck even takes photos with flash?

"Yeonjun," Soobin says his name threateningly, but Yeonjun only laughs, finally stopping but he seems satisfied with the photos as he looks at them.

The idol rolls his eyes, making an attempt of grabbing his phone but before he can even have his hands on that devilishly box-shaped device, Yeonjun dodges him and keeps it far away from his reach.

Yeonjun sticks a tongue out at him and Soobin snickers, muttering, " _Wow, so matured,"_ under his breathe.

"Anyways, I want to introduce you to someone," Yeonjun says offhandedly.

Soobin, caught off guard, gapes at him, "Who?"

"You'll know."

Soobin whines just because he wants to, "What are you being secretive for?"

"It's a secret," Yeonjun winks.

Soobin rolls his eyes at him again, briefly telling Minhyun he'll just meet someone outside the corridor.

He lets Yeonjun drag him afterwards. When they got out of his dressing room, Yeonjun suddenly covered his eyes with his hands.

"Seriously?!" Soobin asks indignantly, a smile slowly blossoming on his lips when he heard Yeonjun giggle just beside his ears.

He's probably tip-toeing since Soobin is literally taller than him and when Yeonjun starts to lead him somewhere, it's actually hard to walk but Soobin can't seem to mind especially that it was so funny when one of them trips sometimes and the feel of Yeonjun's chest rumble just behind his everytime he laughs, feels like home.

It's a relief that there's no people in the vicinity and no one can see them goofing around and practically making a fool show among themselves.

His laugh alongside Yeonjun's is his favorite sound and it feels nice just being around him.

It always feels nice when it comes to Yeonjun.

"Where the fuck are you really taking me?"

He heard a door opening, Yeonjun ushering him inside, the door closing after.

Before Yeonjun gets his hands off, he whispers, "I think, you missed him."

"What?"

Yeonjun takes his hands off his face and Soobin slowly flutters his eyes open, the first thing he notices is that they're in another dressing room.

The second is a glimpse of red hair and when Soobin takes a longer glance at it, he holds his breathe.

"Hi."

Soobin blinks, there's an onslaught of emotions he felt right at that moment and he thinks the air no longer flows but sputters between his teeth as he breathlessly whispers -

"Taehyun."


	5. fifth note

"What the fuck."

Soobin covers his gaping mouth with a hand as he looks at Taehyun from his head to his toes.

Although Soobin has anticipated meeting Taehyun again, he didn't expect it to happen anytime soon but now that Taehyun is breathing and literally standing in front of him, he just can't believe it's real.

Taehyun was a long time friend, his constant emotional support and he was the voice of rationality that somehow always gets Soobin back on his feet and when he lost him years ago, he filled his absence with the deafening screams of the fans.

When he last saw Taehyun, he wasn't able to ask him why. Soobin let him go without any question that time and at first, he felt devastated, mad even. He needed Taehyun the most during those moments but eventually, he realized that he just masked his sadness with anger.

There's really no reason why he didn't reach out to the younger. He can just ask Kai for his number and find ways to rekindle their friendship but Soobin didn't.

The problem was that, when they drifted apart physically, Soobin didn't have any idea how to mend the emotional distance if ever he'll meet Taehyun again so he just let everything happened.

Soobin felt scared and now, seeing everything that changed on him and every parts that grew, he felt relieved, happy but also immensely scared.

What if they can't go back to how they used to be? What if Taehyun —

"Soobin hyung," Taehyun grounds him back when Soobin felt like he's drowning again.

When he felt fingers slowly intertwining with his on the side, he gets reminded that Yeonjun was there beside him. He swallows and tries to calm himself, still staring wide-eyed at Taehyun.

"Is this...?" Soobin rakes his eyes all over Taehyun's figure, "Real?"

When Taehyun's face scrunch up into a grin, that's when Soobin feels like he's in the surface again. There's nothing to be afraid of because the smile Taehyun sent on his way was the same one he used to give Soobin when he clearly knows just what thoughts are running rampant inside his head.

Why was he afraid again? Taehyun will always have his back, no matter the distance and years between them.

With that realization, Soobin immediately runs to hug Taehyun.

"Woah, missed me that much?" He can clearly hear the teasing lilt in his voice but the arms that sneaked around him tells otherwise.

Soobin laughs, parting from him with a beaming smile, "Your ugly face? Yeah."

"Now, that's not how you should welcome a friend," Taehyun snickers at him, his wide, doe eyes looking at him with so much joy.

Soobin wants to cry but he refrains himself, blinking the urge away.

"You're still insufferable, nothing changed."

Laughing, Taehyun responds with an easy shrug, like he knows just what Soobin was thinking, "What would change?"

"I don't know," Soobin pretends to think before bursting out laughing, "Maybe, your height?"

The smack that Taehyun gave him was deserved so he only laughs good-naturedly at it.

"Are you free?" Taehyun asks him, clinging to his arms like the old times.

Soobin, strangely so delighted by the small gesture, nods enthusiastically, "Yup, I have no schedule after this. Let's have dinner?"

"Ah," Taehyun puts his hand on his forehead, "You really missed me, huh."

This time, Soobin pours his heart out, muttering a whisper of, "Yeah, I did."

Taehyun doesn't respond anymore, only gives him a smile and a curt, "Me too."

"Now, that's a sweet reunion but I really can't let the two of you forget about me."

When Soobin looks at Yeonjun, who's standing on the corner and was just watching them, he sees the wide grin Yeonjun is sporting and the knowing glint in his eyes shines.

Soobin falls deeper.

"Let's have dinner together," Taehyun repeats.

"That's a good idea," Yeonjun nods, even pointing at him.

"I'm talking to Soobin," Taehyun innocently remarks, blinking at Yeonjun who glared at him.

"Yeah, you're not invited," Soobin adds, ignoring the indignant protest from the oldest.

* * *

"Why do I feel like I'm third-wheeling here?" Yeonjun complains.

Snickering, Soobin playfully raises a brow at him, "You only noticed that just now?"

Taehyun backs him up with an indifferent look, "You should be more aware of your surroundings, hyung."

"Wow," Yeonjun leans back on his seat, grumbling as he glares at the younger two, "I can't take this disrespect."

Soobin only rolls his eyes, resisting to smile.

"I shouldn't have gone through the lengths to do this," Yeonjun sulks, "Ungrateful brats."

Taehyun ignores him, only continuing discussing things with Soobin.

Soobin learned that Taehyun co-owns Yeonjun's dance studio in LA and that he's here to manage their project of building one here in Korea. He also might've blushed a little, laughing shyly when Taehyun told him that he's been supporting Soobin since the start, watching and attending his concert tours sometimes.

Soobin gets even more flustered when Taehyun praises his dancing skills and the compliments he gave Soobin made him duck his head down.

"I'm not staying here for long though," Taehyun informs in the end, "Just until all the meetings and Yeonjun hyung will be the one doing the rest while the project will go on."

"You're gonna go back to LA?" Soobin asks, trying to hide the sadness in his voice.

They just met but Soobin feels like he's missing him already.

Taehyun flashes him an assuring smile, "Nah, don't worry, hyung," he raises his glass of wine, silently asking Soobin for a toss, "This time, I'll keep in touch."

Soobin smiles at what he said, tossing a glass with his, "Of course."

The didn't exchange any apologies, nor did they talk about anything that happened and Soobin just accepteded it. There's no point talking about it. Things happened and he got passed the point of blaming himself for everything.

He just wants to stay in touch— with the people who really matter and to the reality that things happened and it wasn't always his fault, it wasn't always anyone's fault.

Soobin didn't ask Taehyun about Beomgyu too, figuring out that he doesn't have a voice about that matter. He should keep his distance about it and just quietly have his friends' backs. He'll be there if any of them needs him.

He will just be a sky overlooking all of them.

* * *

"Are you happy?"

Soobin looks at Yeonjun who's driving the car.

Yeonjun offered to drive him home that Soobin responded with a hug and a cheeky whisper of, _"This is my home,"_ At which Yeonjun sputtered and blushed for. It looked pretty on him and Soobin silently challenges himself to make it appear more often.

He looks at his side profile, takes his time to count the lashes that flutter whenever he blinks, at the way he grips the steering wheel with one hand and Soobin's hand over the console on the other, how he glances at him from time to time and the smile that blossoms whenever he locks eyes with him. Soobin finds it so easy to answer, it was so raw and visible that he doesn't even have to think much to answer him.

"Yeah," and Soobin continues staring at him hard, "I am."

There's a smile that tugs at Yeonjun's lips that Soobin can't seemed to take his eyes off. He looks so beautiful, Soobin can't believe this is real and happening.

This is everything he's ever dreamed of for the past years, his constant wishful thinking. Having it happening right in front of his eyes makes him want to freeze the moment and tuck it inside his heart for many lifetimes to go with.

"It was his choice not to stay here for long, you know," Yeonjun shares and Soobin tries to get his head out of the clouds to respond.

He hums.

"I gave him the project entirely but he told me he doesn't really plan to stay and he can only do the contract signings."

Soobin nods and he gets reminded of the talk he had with Beomgyu. Kai's sad smile as he stood on the doorway flashing inside his head right after.

"He's running away," Soobin whispers.

It doesn't seem like something Taehyun would do. But Soobin learns that sometimes even the bravest becomes a coward. Running away would've seemed like the easiest thing to do. Taehyun must've wanted to at some point and up until now, he hasn't stop running away.

But it's not only Taehyun. It's the both of them. Beomgyu and him kept running away from each other that even from the opposite directions, they seemed to meet over and over again like destiny.

Sighing, Yeonjun mumbles, "Beomgyu was supposed to attend the premier," squeezing Soobin's hand before continuing, "But when I told him I'll bring Taehyun with me, he backed out."

Soobin nods. So that's what came up. Taehyun was there so Beomgyu took a step back.

When they arrived, Yeonjun parked a few blocks away from the building, just to be safe. Soobin pouting when he realizes he have to get off now.

When Yeonjun turns to him, he laughs at the evident frown on Soobin's face, smoothening out by poking his cheeks, "Stop frowning."

"When will I see you again?"

Soobin is not one to be clingy but Yeonjun always seems to bring out even the most hideous side of him.

"I don't know," Yeonjun teases, "See you when I see you, I guess."

Soobin snorts at his teasing remark, unclasping his hand with Yeonjun, "Okay."

Before he opens the door, Yeonjun pulls him by the wrist. When he looks back at the older, he's looking at him seriously.

"What?" Soobin asks.

Yeonjun shakes his head, pulling him to land a peck on his cheek before letting him go, "Good night."

Soobin blinks, suddenly feeling dizzy with the slightest graze of lips. His ears turning red.

"Yeah," he clears his throat, "Good night."

* * *

Since promotional activities started, Soobin and Yeonjun hardly see each other, settling for text messages and calls instead.

Soobin is content with it, happy with the way things work between them. He is patient with their progress, likes how his days get completed with Yeonjun's laugh, likes how the older was the first thing he sees when he wakes up and the last thing before he closes his eyes.

They don't talk about where they stand, don't talk about the blurry line between them and just go along with it. It's hard to describe the line between them and Soobin have no enough courage yet to cross it, neither does Yeonjun.

And it's okay. For now, they can just be simply Soobin and Yeonjun.

Amidst everything, Soobin is trying to grasp his worth too. Like it's only now that he's truly realizing his significance. He came to the realization that he has accomplished a lot of things now, contrary from what he used to believe.

He just failed to notice it earlier. He was too busy reaching for more when the ground he's standing right now speaks volume already. Soobin has achieved a lot, has reached far and he can take a rest now. He can finally pause and take a breather.

No one really told him enough so he just kept pushing. Today, he figured, he should be the one saying that to himself.

It's enough. He can just live for himself today, he can just be enough for himself.

One of Soobin's favorite thing in the world is probably fansigns. He likes it. It is one of the opportunities he get to communicate with his fans and talk with them personally. Soobin was usually a shy person but being an idol for nearly 7 years pushed him out of his comfort zone. He'd interacted with a lot of people already, some were momerable, some just lasted for a few minutes and some that he forgotten already. But every moments with the fans were etched at the back of his mind that he can comfortably go back to anytime.

He knows that fans spend lots of money trying to get into the event so he tries his best to repay them by making sure to look into every lens, making poses and trying to express with his gaze, _thank you for supporting me._

The hall where the fansign is taking place is filled with the constant chatters between people, the camera shutters going off rhythmically.

He poses to the fans' cameras, some that he recognizes, while waiting for the next fan in line. He gets mildly distracted when the doors of the hall opened with a loud bang and someone confidently saunters in.

Soobin tries to hide the way he frowned at the sound and only focuses on the girl sitting in front of him, trying to make every seconds he can have with her last.

He can hear the fans murmuring, "Who is that?", "Is he a new trainee? A new manager? God, he looks so good." So, when the fan left, he uses that brief pause to look around and see what the commotion is about.

Soobin sputters when he locks eyes with Yeonjun who's falling in line, sending the idol a smirk over before winking.

Startled with the older's sudden appearance, he blinks several times, his eyes glued at Yeonjun who engages in one of the fans' conversation casually. He's wearing a simple dress shirt that somehow makes him look like a goddamn CEO, pants and what looks like Soobin's album in one hand.

The last time they've seen each other was in Yeonjun's car when he drove him home. Seeing him again, made him ache for the older.

He missed Yeonjun. Terribly.

Soobin watches some of his fans turn their cameras to take several pictures of the new-comer, of Choi Yeonjun, instead of him. He rolls his eyes because he gets the drill, really. Yeonjun is such a head-turner, he could just stand there and charm everyone in the room because that's just who he is.

Soobin playfully pouted at some of the fans who looked back at him guiltily.

As Yeonjun's turn approaches, he finds it especially hard to concentrate on the fans that are before Yeonjun. He feels strangely nervous and the anticipation runs amuck in his veins, making him feel aware of Yeonjun's magnetic presence and so, so alive.

"Oppa! Are you listening to me?" The fan in front of him pouts, waving her hands to catch his attention.

Laughing shyly, Soobin catches her hands to intertwine his with them, mumbling an apology, "Oh, sorry!" and then he smoothly adds, "I just suddenly realized how beautiful my fans are."

It apparently worked because the pout fades and instead, she's blushing, ducking her head shyly. Soobin looks down at the note stuck on the album again, answering the question of what is Soobin's favorite place in the world.

He writes the word _home_ down and smiles at her as a staff comes and says that her time is up, "Thank you for always supporting me."

Her blush darkens and she nods hastily, "We will always support you, Oppa," before heading off the line.

"Wow, you look adorable with those glasses," Yeonjun greets him, even before he enters Soobin's line of vision.

Soobin suddenly gets reminded that he's wearing a specs a fan gave him, giggling shyly before taking it off, "It's natural."

Yeonjun hands him the album and Soobin takes it, the moment their skin touched lingers even though it only lasted for a few seconds.

God, he missed Yeonjun so much.

"Cocky," he hears the dancer mutter.

Soobin doesn't pay him attention, laughing at the question in the sticky note on the album, "What is this for?"

"What?" Yeonjun scratches his nape and looks away, a faint pink blush dusting his cheeks, "I need an answer."

_Did you miss me?_  
_a.) yes_  
_b.) terribly_  
_c.) yes but with a slightly higher degree_  
_d.) all of the above_

"It's for research purposes," Yeonjun adds, peeking at his reaction.

Soobin bites his lips to stop a smile from growing, scrunching his brows together to pretend thinking for a few seconds, "I don't know.. there's something wrong with the choices."

Yeonjun frowns down at him, pouting, "Then nevermind, don't answer it."

Soobin laughs at his reaction, hiding his answer before signing the album, "You have such a quick temper," and then he adds teasingly, "Big baby."

The blush Yeonjun is sporting darkens and he swallows before scratching his burning, red ears that made Soobin laugh more.

"Shut up."

Someone behind his back told him that the time's up so Soobin flips the album close, handing it back and whispering to Yeonjun, "Read it when you get home."

"You're my home," Yeonjun doesn't miss a beat responding.

Soobin purses his lips in a thin line to hide his smile but he thinks, Yeonjun knows anyway because he grins at him before walking back to the seats.

Soobin hopes the fans didn't notice how giddy he was after that.

_Did you miss me?_  
_a.) yes_  
_b.) terribly_  
_c.) yes but with a slightly higher degree_  
_d.) all of the above_  
_just as how much you missed me :)_

* * *

Soobin didn't forget to ask Yeonjun about it, how he got in the fansign and how he even knew there was one through a text and there's something about Yeonjun's reply that made unadulterated happiness bloom inside his chest.

> _choi yeonjun_  
>  _i have my ways ;)_  
>  **_received_ **

Soobin snorts.

> _choi yeonjun_  
>  _i missed your annoying face_  
>  **_received_**.

Laughing, Soobin replies.

> _choi yeonjun_  
>  _you're terrible_  
>  _**sent**_.

> _choi yeonjun_  
>  _that, i am_  
>  **_received_**.

And then —

> _choi yeonjun_  
>  _terribly missed you :)_  
>  **_received_**.

Soobin looks around him to see if anyone can see how flustered he is, a smile almost tearing his lips and he knows that his ears are burning red too, can feel his cheeks warming up.

He absolutely hates how Yeonjun makes him feel sometimes.

Like, he just wants to teleport himself beside the older, drop everything and kiss the living daylights out of him. It's a terrible, terrible thing, really.

> _choi yeonjun_  
>  _stop with the :) you weirdo_  
>  _**sent**_.

> _choi yeonjun_  
>  _what about it >:( you make me smile :)_  
>  **_received_**.

His lines are very terrible too, lame ass but they do have their charm. Something very Yeonjun and they truly make him smile.

There's another message sent to him before he can type a reply and when Soobin opened it, he felt excitement thrum in his veins.

> _choi yeonjun_  
>  _see you soon, darling_  
>  **_received_**.

Darling, what?

Soobin bites his lowerlip, strangely finding the endearment beautiful and fitting.

Darling, huh.

He doesn't realize that he's been smiling and laughing the whole time at his phone, not until Minhyun prods at his side and asks, "What's causing that smile?"

Soobin's smile fell, suddenly feeling a cold shudder on his spine when he realizes the implication.

He's not under dating ban anymore, given the number of dating scandals on his tail. It has long been lifted. But his relationship with Yeonjun has always been different.

Not a different kind of bad, just something not accepted by many people.

If people will find out that he's gay —

Oh, god. What if he get outed? What will people say? To him? And most especially to Yeonjun?

Soobin has come this far but he's still a coward, he's still every part of the coward he used to be.

So, he bites his tongue and keeps his mouth shut, flashing a closed-lip smile at Minhyun, "Just... stuffs."

Minhyun stares at him for a few more seconds, almost like he's scrutinizing him and the way he lies. His manager has always been able to see through him and oh, how much Soobin wishes he can tell Minhyun all about the boy he fell in love with the first time and the blonde-haired man who makes him want to dance without music.

Minhyun is a family. But Soobin doesn't know how he'll react, doesn't know what he'll think of him. They don't exactly talk openly about sexualities, nor dating.

What will Minhyun think of him? What will he say? What will Soobin become in his eyes?

Soobin is not afraid of being left alone by those people who call themselves fan. He's just mostly scared of being left alone by those who matter.

He wants to finally keep living without feeling sorry to anyone just because he chose to be the person he really is. Soobin is done with that.

Homophobic sentiments are common in South Korea when it shouldn't be in the first place. He finds that he doesn't really care about what people will say to him anymore, their words won't stab him because they wouldn't be able pierce his skin.

But Minhyun's words... it will hurt like a fucking ton.

Though he doesn't say any of those, only clamps his mouth shut and looks away, swallows the words down and feels them bore.

"Okay," Minhyun looks at him with knowing eyes and Soobin feels like he's being watched by thousand of eyes when in truth, it's just Minhyun.

"Happiness looks good on you, Soobin," and then he's standing up, patting him on the shoulder, "I hope you don't lose it."

"Yeah," Soobin weakly responds, "Yeah, hyung. Thank you."

_I hope I don't, too._

* * *

Yeonjun attended each and every fansigns for the rest of the promotional period. Soobin can't help but wonder how Yeonjun seemed to have all the time, like he's not managing a studio on his own, not to mention, but he's also in the middle of a project. He's managing their family's company at the same too.

But there's something about seeing Yeonjun in the sea of the fans queuing up for their turn during fansigns and talking to the rest of the fans. Soobin feels extra happy to see him there, feeling warm and comforted with the simple knowledge that he's there, inside the room, breathing the same air, like Soobin.

His presence is very much welcomed. As it turns out, Yeonjun gets a portion of popularity too. Soobin goes on enough social media networks to know that the fans are talking about a particular Soobin fanboy who dresses up like a chaebol's heir (which he is but the fans don't really have to know that) and how cute it is that he attends every fansigns religiously.

During his last fansign, Soobin highlights his sadness with a pout at how he'll miss seeing his fans' faces for a long time.

"I'll miss you all so much," Soobin expresses with scrunched eyebrows and pouted lips.

The rest of the fans give him dismayed noises, mirroring his sad expression. But at the corner of his eyes, he can see Yeonjun grinning.

What an ass.

"What's that for?" Soobin immediately asks when it's Yeonjun's turn, large, bulky DSLR camera hanging around his neck.

Yeonjun chuckles, scratching the bridge of his nose bashfully, "I want more people to see your annoying face," and then he raises a brow at Soobin, "And you did tell me to _take a picture, it lasts longer_ , didn't you?"

Soobin looks at him, jaw-slacked, indecisive whether to feel annoyed or touched but he supposes, he feels something in between as he points at it, "So, what? You're one of my fansites now?"

He rolls his eyes at the memory, signing a page in the album. He does remember saying that as a joke but he never expected Yeonjun would actually follow through it.

Nodding, Yeonjun proudly taps the camera, looking smug as he says, "Of course, in your service, darling," and then he winks.

Soobin scrunches his nose, laughing when Yeonjun gets shy, "Alright, sir, so how's the experience of being a fansite?" He jokes.

"It's fun!" Yeonjun easily takes the joke, going along, "I enjoy it very much, gives me an excuse to look at your annoying face for hours."

"You love my annoying face," Soobin sing songs.

"That," Yeonjun narrows his eyes at him before rolling his eyes, "I do."

Soobin smiles widely at him, positively beaming, "Give me your site, link it to me."

He can't actually believe Yeonjun has a fansite for him. It feels amazing to know that Yeonjun would do that even for him. The older has always had a bit more fascination in photography.

"Alright, if you insist," Yeonjun grins, "But don't be too fascinated."

"Cocky," Soobin makes a face.

"Sure, sure," Yeonjun mockingly nods at him to tease him, interlocking their fingers together as their hands meet for a high five.

Soobin tries to tone down the blush on his cheeks at the mere contact because there are fans watching the interaction, reminding himself that it's something he does with any fan of his.

"See you next time," he whispers.

"See you again, darling."

* * *

It's strange not seeing Yeonjun again for weeks. They've been talking though it doesn't make the ache inside his bones vanish.

It doesn't go to mean that Soobin's hasn't been busy. He's busy preparing for overseas fan meetings while discussing the new concept of the next album, starting the preparations for the next comeback as early as the promotional period ended.

Yeonjun too. He's been busy with the project, deciding to build the studio in Gangnam. Taehyun went back to LA already too and they still talk once in a while, constantly communicating to remind themselves that they're not separated anymore, emotional wise.

Sometimes, Soobin just finds himself hovering over Yeonjun's fansite for him, repeatedly going over the pictures again and again just to imagine Yeonjun taking the shot behind the camera and Soobin feels his stares burn even though it's long passed. It still makes him unnecessarily shy, giddy even. Just the thought of Yeonjun looking at him makes his lips tear into a widest grin.

He likes the attention.

The fansite's name is in French. When Soobin first heard it, he rolls his eyes at the pretentious french but somewhere along the lines, he starts appreciating the name, finding it cute, even though he has no fucking idea what it meant.

He could easily search its meaning in Naver for the translation, but he wants to know from Yeonjun himself but the older just shrugs at him and tells him to, _"Just go and learn french."_

Jerk. How is he even supposed to have time to learn french?

The idea sounds fun though and as he lays there inside his room during one of the infrequent times given to him for rest, he stares at the pictures uploaded in the fansite. Soobin hums in approval as he looks over the pretty, pretty photos.

He wants to pride himself that the photograph turned out beautiful because he's the subject, attributing the aesthetic with his looks alone but Soobin also immensely appreciates the composition of the photos. The filters that Yeonjun chose bring out the best of his features. His eyes land on the logo on the bottom left of the picture where a carefully designed logo sits;

_Beau Ciel_.

Soobin bites his lips, thinking about the fact that it was Yeonjun who took the photos that truly made them so beautiful in his eyes.

They aren't just pretty, they are authentic, sincere and Soobin can almost see Yeonjun's feelings, tangible, in a form of frozen time and captured smiles.

"Oh, fuck," Soobin curses when his phone suddenly rings, accidentally dropping them on his face.

He groans and answers the call without looking at the caller's ID, calming himself as he says, "Who—"

"Open the door."

Soobin sputters and quickly gets up when his ears registered Yeonjun's voice, looking back at his phone wide-eyed before looking at the door.

He slowly puts the phone on his ears again, "Yeonjun?"

"Yeah," and then an impatient, "Who else?"

Soobin clears his throat and scampers to open the door, not minding how he looks right at the moment.

When he finally opens the door, Yeonjun raises a brow at him, his eyes dropping from his bed hair to his toes.

"You look," Yeonjun looks at him amusedly, "Adorable."

If he's drinking, he could've already choked but since he's not taking in anything, he just chokes on thin air, flustered at the welcoming compliment, "I didn't.."

He trails off as he looks down at his clothes, baggy hoodie that was actually Yeonjun's, hugging his frame comfortably and his pokemon designed pajamas.

Yeonjun laughs at the evident embarrassment on his face, pinching his cheek for a second before inviting himself in.

"I heard you have a free time and I can make time so as soon as the meeting with the architects adjourned, I immediately went here," Yeonjun looks at him over his shoulder as he puts a box of pizza on the table, "I thought I'll do you a favor since you're missing me too much, darling."

"That's absurd," Soobin scoffs although that's the whole truth, "Who lied to you?"

"Apparently," Yeonjun gives him an air-kiss, chuckling, "My guts did."

Surrendering, Soobin closes the door and rolls his eyes, walking towards the older who's burrowing deep in the couch, his intention of simply hanging out evident. When Soobin sits beside him, an arm sneakily puts itself on the surface of where Yeonjun rests his back. He ain't slick though because Yeonjun side eyes him and smirks, resting his head on Soobin's arm altogether.

Soobin stares fondly at Yeonjun and thinks, _I can finally rest now._

"Why are you staring?" Yeonjun asks, raising a brow at him challengingly.

"Your annoying face looks funny," Soobin shrugs, brushing a strand of hair on his temple.

Yeonjun must've thought what he said was funny because he laughs, his body shaking and eyes turning into slits as he leans his nape more on Soobin's arm, "Yours too," he replies.

"Yeah and I'm certain you missed it," Soobin cheekily says.

When his laugh subsides, Yeonjun's smile turns softer, "You bet your ass I did."

Scrunching his face, Soobin plafully jabs him on the guts with his other arm, "Ew, why my ass?"

Making a face at his direction, Yeonjun smacks his hand away, "Why not your ass."

Soobin pretends to groan, "Weirdo," he says as he leans his face closer to brush his nose with Yeonjun's, a delicate eskimo kiss because he's been wanting to kiss him on the lips but he doesn't know if he's allowed to.

Soobin absolutely loves the way Yeonjun turned shy, averting his eyes as a blush taints his cheeks beautifully.

Soobin unconsciously holds his breath.

Ah, Yeonjun is breathtaking.

"You're really a charmer," Yeonjun complains.

Giggling, Soobin winks at him, "That's what I do for a living, love."

His giggles turn into a full-on laugh when Yeonjun gets shy again at the endearment, hiding his face with his hands as he whines, "Now, why the fuck would you call me love."

Soobin gently pries his hands off his face, prodding, "You're allowed to call me darling and I can't call you love?"

"But love is overrated," Yeonjun narrows his eyes at him when Soobin successfully took his hands off his face.

"I don't care," Soobin's smile slowly vanishes as he whispers, "Doesn't matter as long as it stands true."

Silence wrapped around them briefly but it's not comfortable, there's tension in the air as Yeonjun's eyes dropped from his face to his lips and Soobin feels so, so drawn to him, he almost leans in to kiss him right there and then.

"I'm actually here for a reason," Yeonjun suddenly states, clearing his throat.

Soobin wakes up from a trance, putting a distance between their faces again. He clears his throat too before muttering, "Okay."

Yeonjun gets to sit upright, his warmth leaving Soobin's arm and he tries not to pout at that as the older pulls him to stand, "I want to do something for you."

"Hyung?" Soobin's forehead creased, letting the older pull him somewhere inside his condo.

"What are you doing?" He asks quizzically as Yeonjun forces him to sit in front of the grand piano in his sala, the older sitting beside him after.

"I want to serenade you," Yeonjun bites his lips and doesn't meet his eyes as he adamantly glue them on the keys.

Warmth erupts from under Soobin's skin, bursting and thrumming inside his chest as he watches Yeonjun bashfully put his fingers on the keys, gentle to not accidentally press.

"Okay," he nods and smiles even though Yeonjun still refuses to look at him.

"I've been wanting to do this," Yeonjun licks his lips, suddenly nervous, "You always sing for other people, this time, I want to sing for you."

The urge to kiss Yeonjun is getting stronger the longer he stays with him.

Soobin bumps his shoulder with his to ease his obvious nervousness, trying to make him relax with a playful remark of, "Well, then, show me what you've got, love."

It obviously works because Yeonjun looks at him and rolls his eyes, "Sure, my pleasure, darling," and then he winks.

Holy fuck. Soobin can swear he just felt his heart skip a beat.

Yeonjun's fingers slowly press on the keys, melody starting to ring around the four corners of the room. It sounds mellow and comforting, makes Soobin want to curl up and shut himself tight because he knows this place is where he can rest, where he belongs.

When Yeonjun began singing, it sounded like home.

Soobin recognizes the song, knows it by heart because it was the first song he had ever written. It was from three years ago and hearing it again, coming from Yeonjun's lips make it sound more beautiful.

Everything is more beautiful when it's Yeonjun.

At one point, Yeonjun looks at him while he sings, flashing a smile for a second.

There's something intimate with the way Yeonjun looks at him. They weren't touching, no skin in contact with the other. There's a breath between them but Yeonjun feels a lot closer than anyone has ever been.

Maybe, their souls are touching after all.

"Hyung," Soobin softly calls.

Yeonjun gets midly distracted when he called him, raising a brow at his direction.

"I love you," he weakly confesses.

It's not a secret untold but Soobin wants to tell him that because Yeonjun is beautiful and it's been years but Yeonjun will always be the center of everything Soobin loves and will ever love.

Yeonjun looks surprised at the sudden confession, he stops singing but he keeps pressing the piano keys.

"I just want to tell you," Soobin bites his tongue, wondering if it's too early for that, "Because you deserved to know."

They've been tip toeing around each other for too long, the lines between them even more blurry now. Soobin wants to cross the line, erase it, only if Yeonjun will allow him.

Yeonjun crops off entirely when he heard that. There's nothing on his face but just genuine surprise. It slowly melts into a serious expression as he watches Soobin fumble nervously.

"I'm sorry, was that too early?" Soobin tries to get his words back, stuttering, "I'm sorry. I'm willing to wait, hyung, I really am. I just—"

He hears a key pressed before he feels a pair of lips against his own, just touching. Barely there. But Soobin feels it burn.

When Yeonjun pulls back, he's wearing a small smile but Soobin can see the smile in his eyes.

"You don't have to anymore, darling," Yeonjun breathes the words on his lips as he pulls Soobin back to kiss him again.

Soobin gasps, feels Yeonjun smile against his lips. He wakes up from his reverie when Yeonjun kisses him harder, pushing, nibbling his lowerlip.

That's when everything starts to sink inside his head, Yeonjun's words finally registering as he cups the older's jaw, kissing back with the same fiery as Yeonjun has.

The kiss was in no way gentle, it was impatient, full of pent-up feelings for the past years, longing, pain, happiness all bottled up and Soobin feels himself finally, finally letting go as he prods Yeonjun's lips with his tongue, licking the skin.

Yeonjun takes a breath in before welcoming the heat and muscle of Soobin's tongue inside his mouth. It's hungry, their teeth knocking with each other and Yeonjun can feel his tongue on the roof of his mouth.

Soobin coaxes a whine out of him, touching every part of the crevice until he can feel all of Yeonjun on him. Yeonjun kisses him back eagerly, shamelessly greedy, savoring Soobin against his lips.

"I missed you," Soobin heavily breathes into his mouth, into his soul and Yeonjun groans, aware of the weight of his words, "Love, I missed you."

Yeonjun takes a gasp of air, his hands cupping Soobin's cheeks, "I know."

Soobin closes his eyes tight, the urge to cry filling him as they pull apart and Soobin buries his face on the older's neck, swallowing the urge down. Yeonjun gently holds his face and it's not just his face he's holding, but his heart and all of it.

"I know," Yeonjun repeats.

Soobin turns his head to put feathearly kisses on his sternum, painting his skin with invisible colors, barely-there kisses on his neck, underneath his earlobes, down to the juncture between his neck and shoulder, to his collarbone and to his chest, pressing his lips gently on the skin just above his heart and whispers the word.

_"Love."_

Yeonjun lets him and when Soobin looks up to him with unshed tears on his eyes, the older is looking at him fondly, his hands cup his cheeks again as he puts his forehead against the idol's.

Soobin breathes him in, everything about Yeonjun. He missed him terribly and everything just starts to fade when they're touching in every way, skin to skin, nose to nose, chest to chest, heart to heart, soul to soul.

It's so easy to forget everything when it comes to Yeonjun. He's everything the sky wanted.

Soobin feels Yeonjun's lashes flutter against his skin and the touch feels ghostly, barely there but Soobin felt it and relishes on the feeling. He closes his eyes when Yeonjun kisses the gap between his eyebrows, going to his eyelids, kissing, just kissing his eyelids until he memorizes the shape of them, going to his temple to land a peck, until his lips hover on Soobin's ear.

"I do too," Yeonjun whispers and puts a kiss there too, like he knows exactly what Soobin is thinking, knows exactly what he wants to say.

That he loves Yeonjun and those three words aren't even enough to cover it.

Soobin smiles, his hands that are holding Yeonjun's on his own cheeks drop and snake around the older's waist instead, pulling him in a hug.

Snuggling his face on the warmth of Yeonjun's neck, he whispers, "I'm happy to be home, love."

Yeonjun chuckles right beside his ears, pulling him closer as he says,

"Me, too."

* * *

Now that he's preparing for the overseas fan meeting, it gave them lots of time to see each other since Yeonjun is still one of his choreography directors, Soobin was always with him while practicing the whole ordeal.

It's hard to get close though especially that most of the times, they are surrounded by a lot of people, other dancers, staffs, managers, stylists, music directors, they are around and they can do nothing but flash a smile to each other from a distance, maybe, pat each other's backs and that's it.

Soobin can't complain though, he'll get what he can. Sometimes, he's just thankful to be able to share the same space with Yeonjun. It's unexplainable but his presence enough, can put him at ease.

Probably the reason why Soobin feels so light-hearted during the whole week long rehearsal. His body light and it's easier to smile, breathing becomes so easy and his smiles always erupt into a loud, boisterous laugh. Sometimes, Minhyun would look at him quizzically, puzzled as to why Soobin is suddenly so bright, a stark contrast from his timid, silent artist, literally just months ago.

Overall, the staffs seemed happy about it though. They get things done and Soobin is so motivated to work that he does such great job during rehearsals that gives no reason for them to prolong the time alloted for practice.

"You look too happy, it's kinda freaking me out," Beomgyu tells him one time, Soobin's manager snickering when he heard that.

Yeonjun probably heard it too because he stands beside Beomgyu as he sips on his americano drink, smirking behind the cup.

Soobin rolls his eyes, "I don't really need to hear that but okay."

"I wonder why," Beomgyu snorts, looking between him and Yeonjun for a second before shaking his head and turning around.

Minhyun raises a brow but follows Beomgyu out of the room when Soobin glares at him.

"Now, don't make people guessing, darling, that's bad," Yeonjun grins, getting close and snaking his arms around his neck.

Soobin puts his around the older's waist as he burrows in Yeonjun's neck, breathing him in because he smells like home, feels like home.

"Have no plans 'bout it."

"Yeah?" Yeonjun laughs against his ear, his breath fanning his cheek.

Soobin only grins against his skin, pressing a kiss before moving to sway lightly. There's no music, just the silent hush between them but Yeonjun has always made Soobin want to dance without music.

Yeonjun seemed to read his thoughts though because he giggles before swaying too.

The lights are turned off inside the dance practice room, their surroundings dimmed but the moon shines bright tonight.

Soobin stands upright and grips Yeonjun's waist, looking, always looking at him.

At the way Yeonjun looks up at him, his smile small but radiant. There are also visible lines of exhaustion from dancing all day and his skin is honey-colored, blemished but so, so beautiful.

The person Soobin is dancing with is so flawed but he loves everything about him. His flaws are what made Yeonjun imperfect yet very human and Soobin is very inlove with the gorgeous human in front of his eyes. When Yeonjun tiptoes to reach his forehead and land a kiss there, Soobin falls all over again.

Yeah. The moon is shining bright tonight.

And then Yeonjun's kisses drop from his forehead to his nose then to his philtrum and when Soobin thought Yeonjun's going to kiss him on the mouth, Yeonjun places a kiss on the corner of his lips instead.

"You look every bit of the man of my dreams," Yeonjun suddenly utters, laughing freely.

"Yeah?" Soobin feels like the air is getting knocked out of his lungs, "Tell me all about it."

"Don't want to," Yeonjun scrunches his nose.

"Come on," pouting, Soobin bumps his nose on Yeonjun's cheek, "You haven't even told me the meaning of, what was it again?"

Yeonjun rolls his eyes, "Beau Ciel, Soobin."

"Right," Soobin flashes him a smile, his dimples out, "Beau Ciel," he repeats, rolling the words on his tongue several times more.

"I told you to learn french."

"It's not like you know, you probably just searched it up too," Soobin points out.

"Wrong," Yeonjun flicks his forehead, "I do know French, I stayed in Paris for a few months, years ago."

Soobin makes a face, grumbling, "Show off," at which Yeonjun only laughs at.

_Beau Ciel,_ huh?

* * *

Soobin have a fansign for Skoolooks after finishing a fan meeting in Orlando as well as KCON US.

Yeonjun is in US too, specifically in LA to check on their studio when Soobin broke the news to him about flying here.

Soobin didn't ask Yeonjun to drop in his fansign but deep down, he knows that he's hoping he will.

It's been weeks since they last saw each other and while Soobin relishes in the moments where it's only them, Soobin admits he misses seeing Yeonjun among the crowd waiting for him in every fansign, his bulky DSLR and his clumsy movements that produce good shots.

As the event starts, the fans put down names in front of their cameras so that he knows where to focus on, makes sure he looks at every each of them so they can upload heart fluttering photos of him online.

He tries his best to track all of them down whenever he gets some time to go online — choisoobinnet, 3000_loveya_, Jupiter_soobin, Tobin_1205, CCS_SOOBIN, offwhite1205 and others Soobin can't recognize anymore. He makes sure to look at every one of them and pose.

But when Soobin's eyes land on a camera without a nametag, he feels himself smiling a little wider. It sticks out to him and Soobin tries to shift his focus away from Choi Yeonjun, away from _Beau Ciel_ -nim as he looks at the lenses of other fansites instead.

But Yeonjun draws his attention in, his presence commanding and it isn't even about the fact that he's one of of the few males sitting in the sea of women.

As the event progresses, as usual, Soobin finds himself getting distracted as Yeonjun's turn draws nearer. He channels his focus on the girl in front of him as he leans his face closer to her so she can stick a sticker on his cheek.

"Thank you for coming," Soobin beams at her as a staff signalled at him through a pat on the shoulder.

The fan only giddily giggles, nodding and offering her hand so he can clasp them together for a short, brief moment.

"Hi, missed me?" Yeonjun grins at him as he sits in front of Soobin, his camera hanging around his neck.

Soobin raises a brow at him and checks him out blatantly, looking at the black beret on his head, to his black and white striped knit sweater tucked in a black, ripped jeans. And who says he's allowed to smile in front of Soobin like that? That damn smile.

"Hello, dumbass," Soobin finds himself saying anyway. Even he, is surprised the words even left his mouth.

"Now, that's not a good way to greet your fansite master, darling," Yeonjun teases, raising his DSLR for emphasis.

Soobin only rolls his eyes and takes the album, signing it.

"You still haven't told me the meaning so I won't consider you one," Soobin huffs.

He doesn't notice Yeonjun reaching for something, rummaging in his pocket and when he finishes signing, he looks back at Yeonjun and sees him dangling something in front of his eyes.

"What's this for?" He asks, taking it.

"You weren't wearing the bracelet I gave you seven years ago, I don't know if you lost it but..." That's when Yeonjun's gets bashful, scratching his burning red earlobe as he almost mutters, "I thought I'd give you another one."

Soobin tries to swallow down a gasp, looking at the bracelet closer. It's a simple silver one, the symbol of the sky beautifully on it and when he looks at Yeonjun again, he's still caressing his lobes and Soobin notices a silver bracelet around his wrist too, catching his eyes as it glints briefly when the light hits.

Soobin bites his lips, offering his wrist out as he softly asks, "Put it on for me?"

Yeonjun smiles and then he laughs, "Okay," he takes the bracelet back again, "Since you asked so nicely."

Yeonjun's touch is soft, gentle and there's an expression of seriousness, concentration on his face as he links the bracelet together across his wrist. It's loud around them, Soobin can still hear the camera shutters going off in the background, the buzz of chatters of the people around him ringing in his ears but none of them matter right now because Yeonjun's lips form the most beautiful, delicate smile when he's finally able to put the bracelet on his wrist.

"Hope you like it."

Soobin grins, drawing his arm close to him again to inspect the bracelet. "Can I say I don't?" He teases.

Rolling his eyes, Yeonjun offers his hands so Soobin would clasp them since the staff has been long urging him to move along, "No, you're not."

Soobin pretends to get sad, "Bummer," he pouts.

"I know you like it," Yeonjun squints his eyes on him, glaring at him almost if he'll deny again.

"Yeah," Soobin admits, laughing, "I did, love. Thank you," he whispers that one, save for Yeonjun to hear only.

* * *

While Soobin is in US, he makes sure to drop in Yeonjun and Taehyun's studio building in LA before he'll fly back to Seoul that afternoon, amazed when he was welcomed with modernized, minimalist interior. It was welcoming and the staffs are very cheerful.

Taehyun delightedly toured him around. Yeonjun's not around since he went to manage his own clothing brand company, their family business mainly based in LA and Paris. They had a meal together, laughing and just simply talking to each other.

Soobin gets to see all the facilities too and the students come from different regions that made it very interesting. Some are asian, white, black— koreans are there too. Soobin likes the variety of people in the studio.

He can just clearly see Yeonjun and Taehyun building this together. It was their pride, he can see that.

Dance choreographers, instructors and as well as directors, Choi Yeonjun and Kang Taehyun. Ah. Soobin feels his chest swells.

"You're not going back to Korea?" Soobin asks Taehyun as he drives the idol to the airport for his flight.

"Not now, not soon too," Taehyun chuckles, "Just tell me when's the wedding and I'll immediately go back home."

Soobin rolls his eyes, hitting him on the arm, "Don't be ridiculous. Same-sex marriage aren't even allowed in Korea, Taehyun."

"And?" Taehyun smirks at him, "Would that stop both of you?"

Soobin freezes, the question hitting him more than it should. The question is asked with genuine wonder, it's nothing groundbreaking, doesn't mean anything more than its intent message but Soobin gets reminded of his choices six years ago.

Would that stop both of them? Would that stop him?

Soobin doesn't know what will happen once people find out that he's gay. That he's attracted to the same gender, that he's in love with a man. Idols get a harsh backlash, cruel consequences for simply dating but he doesn't know how worse things will get if they find a gay idol having an intimate relationship with a non-showbiz man.

Suddenly, Soobin feels anxious again, the anxiety threatening to engulf him and pull him deep again.

But when Taehyun taps him on the shoulder and smiles gently at him, Soobin feels the answer on the tip of his tongue.

"This time, I won't let it," he mumbles, his voice sounds gruff, almost cracking.

It's a scary world out there but Soobin doesn't want to hide anything anymore to the people who unconditionally supported him from the start until now, his fans.

Oh, god. He loves his fans and he feels like he can finally be honest with them this time. He wants to be fair with them and with himself.

He won't let anything stop him from accepting Yeonjun with of all him again. Not anymore.

"Taehyun," Soobin calls him, he returns Taehyun's smile when their eyes met, "I love Yeonjun."

The younger nods, simply responds, "I know."

Soobin gets reminded of the time they talked in the playground near their middle school, remembers the sky during the dusk, the cold feel of the strap of the swing on his temples and their talk.

"And there's nothing wrong with that," he states, doesn't need approval nor an assurance anymore.

Taehyun nods again and squeezes his hand, the same way he did back then, his warmth still never failing to calm Soobin, "There's nothing wrong with that," he repeats.

When Soobin finally boards the plane, he relaxes on his seat as he gets his phone from Minhyun.

He scrolls on twitter absentmindedly, knowing that his fansites would already have started to post the previews on the platform.

Soobin feels his heart stop for a moment when his eyes latch onto a photo of him waving his hands, the sleeve of his sweater sliding down slightly to reveal the bracelet on his wrist.

> **Beau Ciel** _**@beaucielchoi** _
> 
> _081320 Skoolook Fansign_  
>  _#Soobin #EternityWithSoobin_
> 
> How long is forever?  
>  Sometimes, just a second.
> 
> _[image]_

* * *

It happens suddenly.

Everything starts escalating quickly.

Soobin was sleeping while he's on his studio, working on a song when he gets suddenly woken up by Minhyun. He's about to snap at him for waking him up during hours he's allowed to get some sleep but when he gets a proper look on the frown marring his face, Soobin shuts his mouth.

Minhyun doesn't say anything at first, his face only showing utter shock and fear that Soobin actually feels scared to get an answer when he asks, "Hyung? What's wrong?"

Minhyun gulps, easing his face into a blank one but Soobin can still clearly see the distress in his eyes.

"I don't know how to start," Minhyun croaks.

"Start with what?" Soobin asked, puzzled.

Minhyun hands him his phone. Soobin winces when the bright screen of his phone meets his eyes but he only blinks quickly and takes the phone, reading the page that Minhyun had opened.

They should've seen it coming, really.

It's always so easy for the media to know everything, releasing news just when idols are preparing for another comeback. But it still takes them by surprise when Soobin reads each words, knocking the air out of him.

> **[BREAKING/EXCLUSIVE] Record-Breaker Soloist Choi Soobin discovered to have a relationship with a non-showbiz man.**

What?

What the fuck?


	6. final note

At that moment, Soobin felt like he was punched with realizations and feelings he was so scared of dwelling all this time.

He feels a panic attack coming from some distance away, inside his core, gut-clenching and so, so terrifying and he can't seemed to get out of the way before it runs him over in the usual freight train fashion.

Soobin swallows a heavy, big lump in his throat, felt it bleed and run dry. Minhyun puts his hand on his shoulder, looking at him worriedly while urging him to continue reading the article.

> Local news tabloid _Dispatch_ released a report on October 1 that the record-breaker soloist- Choi Soobin is dating a non-showbiz man and a chaebol heir, Choi Yeonjun. An exclusive insider source has revealed that Choi Yeonjun is also known to be the choreographer of the idol's recent comeback. The source claims that they have known each other for a long time, two men rekindling the old flame between them during the month-long period of promotion and have gotten close since then.

He breathes out shakily, his trembling hands grabbing Minhyun's phone to read the article further. There is a swirling hurricane of emotions inside his chest that only seemed to grow worse the more he scroll down.

The article continues to give evidences of moments they were together. The photos are mostly dim, grainy even, but Soobin can recognize each one, remembers each day clearly. These are moments he tucked deep inside his heart, cradled and treasured but as his eyes land on each picture, he feels sick, disgusted even that these people are so, so willing to invade his privacy, his intimate moments with his lover so people of Korea— not only Korea, but everyone would have something they can gossip about.

The first one was a photo of him and Yeonjun during the year-end party of the management, then a picture of Yeonjun congratulating him in the post-prep party that Minhyun and the staffs prepared. The third one showed him and Yeonjun in the green room during his comeback premier when the dancer gave him flowers and when they fooled around in the corridor the night he met Taehyun again. Personal phones are not allowed there, he doesn't understand how someone took the pictures, probably a sasaeng's doing but he just doesn't know how they would have reached a journalist.

It's the next picture that makes his heart drop, the very knowledge that there's no words that can explain or defend what they are. Soobin bites his lip, looking for air to fill his lungs again because he feels like he can't breathe at the suddenness of it all. There's no water but he's drowing. There's no noise but the world is exploding right on his face as his eyes focus on the photo of Yeonjun kissing him on the cheeks inside his car the night he drove Soobin to his condo. The picture wasn't clear but the action can be seen, their side profiles too. There's no denying that it's Soobin, with someone— with a man.

It leaves a sour taste in his mouth.

Minhyun tries to stop him as he hovers on the comment section but Soobin glares at him with his red-rimmed eyes, scrolling down as tears close his throat up, choking him into the very last bit of panic settling in.

> _[+45,765, -21,397] how could you conclude their relationship with dark, grainy pictures you took without permission !! that man soobin was with is a fanboy and anyone who has been in his fansign knows that it's beau ciel-nim !!_
> 
> _[+56,234, -3,234] why do you have to settle with this kind of article for clickbait, you can just tell that they're very good friends_
> 
> _[+8,900, -17,352] have always known that he's gay_

"That's it, stop," Minhyun grabs the phone away from his hold and Soobin doesn't bother to fight anymore. He simply just stared ahead, their words slowly sinking inside his head.

He's not crying but Soobin can feel something inside him break.

He's angry, hurt, worried and other tons of emotions he can't really dwel right now as he finally speaks. His voice is stable that even he, himself, is surprised when he heard it. It holds nothing of the turmoil inside his head and chest as he looks at Minhyun straight in the eyes and asks, "What should I do?"

That's not the real question, actually. Soobin knows what he should do, knows what he _want_ s to do but there's a force between his lips that kept it shut tight. He wants to ask, _Why now?_ Or even better _How do I tell them?_

Because Soobin is clueless. How do he tell them. How. When.

Who would even listen?

Minhyun frowns at him. Soobin can see gears in his head turning, working to make sense of the situation, to turn it the other way around because that's how Minhyun has always dealt with his scandals before. To make the articles give him a good light, to make everything about Soobin good, perfect, flawless, ideal again.

But his manager surprises him when Minhyun sat beside him on the couch inside his studio. His manager faces him and his eyes are serious, but never blank, Soobin can just see his distress contained. "What about telling me the truth first, Soobin."

Soobin's mouth opens and closes several times, looking for words to say and finding none. What truth is Soobin supposed to be telling? He didn't lie in the first place.

He thought it'd be easy to admit things once they blow up, thought that he would be able to go through it calmly but he can't even answer Minhyun right now, can't even speak his truth even though now should be the right timing.

So, in the end he whispers, "It's true," because that's his answer, it's true and he still isn't prepared to make it outside the world but he wants to say that it's true, that—

"Yeonjun and you are dating?" Minhyun asks carefully.

Soobin blinks and everytime he does, Yeonjun's smile flashes inside his head and yeah, yeah. He couldn't deny Yeonjun anymore. He doesn't even want to.

This is his truth.

"Yes," Soobin answers directly, meeting Minhyun's eyes and fighting his stare back.

He still feels a cold shudder runs up his spine with the fear dancing around the back of his mind, tingling — that Minhyun might judge him, that he doesn't have any idea what his manager will think once he finds out. What will happen... What his reaction will be—be

"Okay," and then Minhyun reaches to tap his shoulders gingerly, flashing a small, yet assuring smile, "I understand."

"You do?" Soobin hates how small he sounded, how small he felt at that moment when he asked that.

Grinning slightly, Minhyun only shrugs at him, "Of course, I do, Soobin," and then midly glares this time, "Why didn't you tell me though, jerk, I would've understood."

Soobin sputters, situation momentarily forgotten as he embarrassedly responds to a grown-up, sulking adult in front of him, "Well, for one! I didn't know how you'd react. I don't even know you're open about..." He sucks a breath in, "About those things..."

"I am your manager, Soobin," Minhyun's frown deepens, emphasizing, "But more than that, I'm your hyung. I knew about it, Soobin. You and Yeonjun aren't exactly being subtle about it and I noticed, did you really think I wouldn't? I tried to ask you once, get you to talk about it to me but, well..." Minhyun sighs, "You looked like you weren't ready yet."

"I wasn't," Soobin mumbles, leaning back on the couch, "I'm not."

He feels Minhyun's stare at him bore so he continues, "But I need to be, I want to be. I don't want to hide anymore, hyung."

Minhyun nods at him, "I know," and then he gives Soobin his phone.

The idol raised a brow at him but accepted it.

"I'm not supposed to do this," his manager rolls his eyes, "I need to confiscate your phone because of this but I know you want to talk to Yeonjun so call him using my phone," Minhyun looks at Soobin contemplatively, like he's figuring Soobin out and tentatively continues, "Make up your mind, Soobin. Tell us what you want to do, what you need to do. We can easily deny this, there are lots of loopholes in the photos but do you want that?"

Soobin blinks, not really used with being asked of what he wants. Things are always handed to him, already discussed and decided but this time, Minhyun wants him to choose, wants Soobin to decide what to do for himself.

This felt similar from the choice he was given six years ago by Chaeyeon. It was Yeonjun or his dream. This time, this is still about those two things Soobin loves the most.

He chose his dream back then - Yeonjun's too. This time, he'll choose both.

"Let me talk to Yeonjun, hyung," Soobin responds instead, sighing, "I can't be the only one to decide about this."

Minhyun nods again and stands up, about to leave the room when he suddenly turns back to Soobin and says, "I meant what I said, Soobin."

He looks back at his manager, wondering, "What, hyung?"

"I really do hope you won't lose that happiness."

A smile slowly grows on Soobin's lips as he replies silently, earnestly, "Thank you, hyung."

The moment Minhyun left the room, the silence threatened to engulf him and pull him deeper into a deep abyss of self-deprecating thoughts, pity and panic manifesting their way from his head to his heart.

Soobin shuts his eyes tight and takes a few deep breaths, calming himself. He types Yeonjun's cellphone number and calls him, biting his nails out of anxiousness while waiting for the older to answer. Hopefully, he won't mistaken Minhyun's number as some paparazzi's or sasaeng's and actually answer the call.

"Hyung, come on," Soobin whispers, anxiously rubbing his hands on his thighs.

The call then proceeded to voicemail when Yeonjun didn't answer it.

"Hey, uhm," Soobin starts, massaging his temples to think of words to say, "This is Soobin, hyung. I used my manager's phone so... please answer my call?" He shakily breathes out, standing up from his position as he gnaws his lips, "We really need to talk, love."

Then there's a beep.

Soobin goes to his computers, his eyes settling on his drafts, the work he was working still on display. It's not finished yet and Soobin intends on finishing it sometime before this month end. This song is personal, he's not planning on releasing it, least not to the fans.

The song is for Yeonjun. In some way, it's intimate, a piece of his heart to give to the older even though he holds it wholly already. Soobin doesn't just want to dedicate a song for him because Yeonjun is his melody, he was Soobin's start line.

The idol slumps on the chair in front of it, slipping his headphones on as he clicks play. The song is bedroom pop, the quality of recording is less pioneered, yet remastered and have slightly altered structure. It's mellow, fuzzy and the lyrics came from Soobin's very soul.

He can't express it in words, but Yeonjun always listens and Soobin wants him to hear. Everything about the love that was unexpected, everything about the young boy who made him dream high in the clouds and the man who made him soar in his own sky.

Soobin stares at it hard, contemplating.

What should he do?

He doesn't want to lose anyone and he doesn't want to hide from anyone anymore.

Soobin's eyes land back on Minhyun's phone when it rang, immediately grabbing it and sighing in relief when it's Yeonjun's number. He didn't waste any second answering it.

When the line connected though, there's only silence. None of them speaks and Soobin tries to work his way around his mild panic, trying to form actual sentences.

"Hey," in the end, that's what his mind settles on.

He holds his breath as he listens to Yeonjun's slow exhale. Soobin can sense his nervousness and he wants to drop everything and go to him right at the moment to tell him it's alright.

Because it is.

Soobin realizes that they might feel like the world is exploding right on their faces right now, but there's really no reason to let other people tell them what's ideal. The world may crash down and burn and it's alright because it's all in their heads.

They got their life together and they just got to give themselves what they truly deserve. Because that's all about it, isn't it. In the end, all of this boils down to one thing. It's their lives, Yeonjun's and Soobin's, not anyone else's and they just got to own it. It's their lives and they can do whatever the hell they want with it, love whoever, be with whoever.

Soobin knows enough that he deserves it. They both deserve it.

"I love you," he confesses once again because that's the first thing he wants Yeonjun to hear from him right at the moment.

He loves him and after he clears this whole debacle up, he'll still love Yeonjun. That's his end game.

Yeonjun responds with silence but after a few seconds, he mutters through the static line and distance, "I know."

Soobin finally lets out the breath he's unconsciously holding, finally relaxing, "You do?"

"Of course, Soobin," the idol's lips crack up into a small smile when he hears a hint of impatience in his voice, "I do know and I do too."

Soobin hums, pondering over his words over and over again before speaking them out loud, "You already saw the articles?"

He hears Yeonjun sigh, "Yeah, Beomgyu texted me about it and told me not to leave my apartment."

"Yeah, don't. I'll have to deal with this first, love, but listen," Soobin licks his lips, wondering what Yeonjun's answer will be, "How do you want me to deal with this?" He asks slowly, tethering gently in case Yeonjun misunderstand his question.

"Why are you asking me?" Yeonjun doesn't sound offended or anything, simply just wondering, "Shouldn't you be used to this? This like your—"

"Third scandal, I know," Soobin rolls his eyes, momentarily feeling a bubble of laughter inside his chest with the knowledge that Yeonjun did use to keep track of him even before they met again, "But you're different."

"How so?"

"I can't ever deny you," Soobin answers immediately, finding it easy to tell him.

He could never deny Yeonjun to anyone. He used to hide from him, yes. But Soobin would never deny him because Yeonjun is perfect and there's nothing wrong being in love with a man as imperfect as him.

"That's kind of alarming," there's lightness in Yeonjun's voice, like he's trying to calm Soobin while simultaneously trying to calm himself too, "I don't want to ruin your..."

He left his sentence hanging because they're both aware. Soobin lets it settle before muttering, "You won't ruin anything."

Yeonjun remains silent and Soobin can almost hear his thoughts, knows exactly what the older is thinking so he immediately tries to tell him—

"Hyung - love, listen, it's my choice alright. I want to do this, I want to clear this up. I can take whatever words they'll throw at me, but what I can't take is to give up anything I treasure," and then he asks tentatively, hesitatingly, "Trust me on this?"

"I trust you, love, I do," Soobin hates how conflicted Yeonjun sounds, "But this isn't just about us, this is about what people would think about you. This was your dream and you're living it up right now and I can't ruin that, Soobin. I never want to. I'm okay with hiding, Soobin. I am content with just being with you. I don't want you to risk anything..."

The words _for me_ are left unsaid but Soobin gets it. The idol swallows, feeling midly frustrated. He stares at the monitor in front of him and the song he wrote for Yeonjun.

"I won't lose anything, hyung," he finally replies, his voice firm and resilient, "There's nothing to hide. There's nothing to ruin. You told me to love myself before I love anyone else. This is me choosing myself over anything else, love."

Soobin chooses himself, what he wants. Not Yeonjun's, not Sihyuk's, not his family's, not other people's but his.

"I don't want to lose this chance so I'm taking this risk," he breathes out.

Silence settles between them again and Soobin lets Yeonjun mull over his words, giving him time and space to accept it.

When Yeonjun talks again, he sounds gentle, level-headed and Soobin smiles to hear the confident, unweilding man he's so fond of again, "Then do whatever you need to do. Just know that I'll be with you for every choice you make."

Soobin finally lets himself loose, lets himself grin and laugh despite the situation because over everything else that's happening, he'll now choose the happiness he used to take away from himself.

Yeonjun sounds relieved to hear his laugh too because the older joins him after a beat of disbelieving silence, cackling up for no particular reason, really. But it feels good to be laughing.

It's therapeutic too, in a way.

"I love you," Soobin says again just because he can and he wants to.

He can hear the smile in Yeonjun's voice when he responds, "I know right, who wouldn't?"

Soobin shakes his head, "I'm waiting for you to say it back in case you haven't noticed, jerk."

"Ever so impatient, darling?"

"Yeah," Soobin pouts that slowly turns into a grin, "Yeah. So, come on, say it back."

"Say what back?" Yeonjun teases.

Soobin groans, "Okay, I'm ending this call."

Yeonjun's giggles are contagious and they make the butterflies in Soobin's stomach soar, "I love you too."

Soobin ducks his head down as a smile tugs at his lips, "I know."

* * *

When Soobin was summoned to the office for a discussion, he feels a tad scared.

Of what he'll get from it and how it'll turn out.

So, while he's on the way to Big Hit Main Building, Soobin finds himself mindlessly scrolling through Beau Ciel fansite on twitter, looking through photographs that Yeonjun had taken of him. It feels comforting, to see photographs of himself that's taken through the lens of Choi Yeonjun's gaze.

He wonders if the fans can see the intimacy that leaks from every pictures, like how Soobin is seeing them right now.

Soobin gets mildly startled when his phone vibrates on his hands as he got notified that there has been a new update by Beau Ciel.

He swallows and loads the whole page up again. When it's all refreshen up, he clicked a new picture of him that was uploaded. It was during one of his fan meeting in US and it tags;

> **Beau Ciel** @ _ **beaucielchoi**_
> 
> _080720 Orlando Fan Meeting_  
>  _#Soobin #EternityWithSoobin_
> 
> You're the one I wish to keep.  
>  Forever.
> 
> _[image]_

Soobin blinks at the words, at the caption that was so apt to their situation right now. He sees how he looked during that time and there's something different that strikes him looking at it. He looked sweaty in it but there's a smile that was almost tearing his lips and his eyes were genuinely happy and it can only be because of Choi Yeonjun. Perhaps, it's the spark of passion that has grown stronger.

Soobin doesn't know what pushed him to do it or why it took so long for him to go to Naver Dictionary, typing the words that he have no single idea what meant. When it loaded, Soobin finds himself choking with the urge to cry, feeling his eyes wet though he blinks it away to read the words thoroughly.

There's enough reason not to trust and rely on online dictionaries but Soobin can't find it in himself to care as he reads the words over and over again, thinking that it's right and that it just makes perfect sense.

**Beau Ciel** \- beautiful sky

* * *

When Soobin reaches Big Hit Main Building, he feels distressed by just watching all the staffs in disarray. As he makes his way towards the office, he can see the never-ending phone calls and there's guilt creeping up in his every nerves because he knows this is all about him. He tries to calm himself again, thinking back of Yeonjun's words while following his manager into the conference room.

It's the room Soobin hates the most. The dull black and white paint of hard walls and shining, impeccable glass windows of it has always been suffocating for him. It doesn't feel welcoming and whenever he's there, he feels more judged than ever. The people in there are scary, their eyes bore into his very soul and the way they talk about him as if he's not there, as if he's just a doll being constantly shipped from places to places sets him off.

Soobin expects those people to be there sitting opposite the big, looming door but when he pushed it open, only Sihyuk was there, back turned to him as he stands there admiring the view on the floor-to-floor window in the busy streets of Seoul where people are probably feasting, talking about Soobin's private life and throwing words.

Because that's how people are, aren't they. No matter what idols do, how well they act, how perfect their looks are, there will always someone who will disapprove.

Soobin is an idol, has been for nearly seven years. It's both a long and short time, the horizon blurred to decide which. He's used to people throwing rocks at things that shine, including himself.

"Hey," Sihyuk PD-nim looks back at him, the chairman flashing him a small smile.

Soobin timidly bows, his shoulders tensed. He's preparing himself to defend, even though he doesn't know exactly what they're going to talk about. He stands there, feeling like he's standing in the middle of a battle he doesn't have any idea how to finish, doesn't even know how started. But the instinct was there.

Like, he's fighting for something his eyes can't see.

Sihyuk addresses Minhyun with a nod, telling the manager to leave them alone for a while. Soobin doesn't stray his eyes from the chairman to see his manager's reaction but he heard the door closed as Sihyuk sat on his chair on the head of the table.

"How have you been?"

Soobin bites his lip, keeping a straight face but also expressing his respect to him without wounding his pride, "I've been doing great."

"That's good to hear," Sihyuk nods.

Soobin doesn't know why there's a need to beat around the bush, why Sihyuk is not addressing the issue at hand when it's obviously the reason he called Soobin. It doesn't seem like him because the man Soobin grew accustomed to, the man whom he learned from a lot was straight-forward, direct, knows what to say, what to do, strict but draws a line.

"We're going to deny it." There, Sihyuk spilled it.

So, this is what it's all about, isn't it. Soobin realizes as the chairman begins to talk about the measures the entertainment would take with regards of the scandal.

"We will change the related keywords that appear when people search your name or Yeonjun's. A staff has also contacted Dispatch and paid them to take down the article and other news outlet to stop reporting about it. A staff had also reported from an inside source that Dispatch will soon be releasing a new celebrity couple soon..."

Soobin lets Sihyuk's voice drown from his thoughts, not giving whatever he's saying any mind. He suddenly remembers the last time he talked to the chairman. It was the same situation, a dating news with a girl he barely remembers now.

It was the same words, same way, same mouth, same man who uttered them. It was so achingly similar that Soobin feels his head reel because he knows where this is going, knows what words will be uttered next.

( Sihyuk's voice sounds taunting, "If you're not what people expect you to be, if you stop living up to your reputation, then who are you? Who will care?" )

"I want to confirm it," Soobin just finds himself speaking, the words leaving his mouth even before he could process them.

His hands are trembling by his side and he probably looks shaken right now but his voice sounds firm. 

This is different, this is not like the other scandals he had before. He doesn't want to go through the same thing, say the same words, do the same actions. 

If he's not what people will expect him to be, if he stop living up to his reputation, he will still be Soobin and those who genuinely want to stay beside him through it all are the ones who truly care. 

Sihyuk's sentence trails off and he's looking at Soobin with something the idol can't quite read. He's eerily calm, there's no finger that moved, his eyes didn't waiver. Sihyuk looks at him in the eyes and lets the silence hang.

Soobin holds his breath, the silence between them got so tense. He doesn't want to break the eye contact so he holds his ground.

Sihyuk slowly nods, looking deep in thought and Soobin thinks that he actually misheard him when he said, "Okay."

_Okay?_

Soobin actually feels his breath stutter, but his face remains neutral. Wondering what the actual fuck did he mean by okay.

_Okay and?_

Sihyuk sighs, breaking the eye contact and directing his gaze outside again as he taps his fingers on the surface of the table, "It's your decision, Soobin."

And then he turns to the idol again, "I'll accept whatever decision you make, it's your career, reputation and image, it's your own work. As well as this is your mess and it's only right that you get to decide what to do with it."

"But was that what you want?" Soobin asks when he finally finds his voice, "This mess isn't supposed to be one in the first place, it's bound to get revealed one way or another. I don't plan to hide it, PD-nim."

"I know," Sihyuk laces his hands together and studies Soobin's face, "When I first saw you, I saw your potentials, Soobin, saw the great artist you'd soon turn out. I've guided you and had always take away your voice on deciding about matters."

Sihyuk once again sighed, "You are my artist but you are your own person, Soobin."

The idol freezes on his spot, actually feeling his eyes tear when he heard that.

Because yes, Soobin is his own person. It's not Sihyuk who took away his voice to decide on things, it was Soobin all along. He took away his own voice and decided to just foolishly accept whatever it was handed to him. He chose silence, that's why he was imprisoned by his own decisions and mistakes.

"I don't have anything to say regarding this matter," Sihyuk calmly dismisses, gesturing with his hands, "But I have to say, Idol culture is very conservative, Soobin. The potential backlash and financial risk are there."

"I know," Soobin mumbles, licking his lips, "I don't plan to introduce Yeonjun to anyone, PD-nim. Just telling the fans and confirming that I am happily dating is enough for me. I want them to know and above anything else, Yeonjun's safety is important to me too."

"There's still a high chance fans would discover," Sihyuk frowns.

"There is," the idol nods, aware of the fact and accepting it because he's an idol and even if he doesn't ask for it, his privacy would always be taken for granted, "But I won't be confirming anything they'll figure out or reveal. Just this once."

Sihyuk leans back on the seat, "I hope you don't regret this."

Soobin swallows, his other hand hooking on his wrist and caressing the bracelet dangling around it, feeling relieved at the cold touch, "I won't."

He knows he won't. 

Regret is inconvenient and like he has always told himself, it's pointless to regret things because at one point it was what he wanted. 

Yeonjun could never be something he regrets. 

When Soobin was finally able to close the door behind him, he lets himself breathe a little. Minhyun was waiting for him in front of it and when Minhyun pulls him in a hug, Soobin feels himself finally relaxing.

They're going to be fine.

"How did it go?" He asks gently, rubbing his back in a very reassuring way.

Why did he think Minhyun would judge him again? Minhyun is too good of a person, nagging and super annoying at times but he never left Soobin's side since the start. Minhyun is headstrong, firm and rational but he's also understanding and patient. 

He's a brother Soobin have by heart.

"Not what I expected," Soobin shrugs, pulling away.

"What do you mean?" Minhyun's forehead is creased and he looks mildly worried, alarmed even by his vague response.

"But it turned out better than I imagined," Soobin clears out, "He accepted my decision?" He clears his throat when he realizes that it came out as a question instead of a statement.

"Which feels weird, by the way," he adds hastily and Minhyun continues to look at him, alarmed, "In a good way! Like, I really didn't expect it."

"Can you," Minhyun massages his temples and gestures carelessly, "Elaborate, please."

Soobin scrambles to find words to explain how that 30 minutes of talk with Sihyuk PD-nim went, "He wanted to clear the issue out initially and then I suddenly claimed that I don't really want to deny anything specifically. Just that, I want to confirm I'm dating someone and he just... well, he kinda agreed."

"He agreed?" Minhyun looks at him doubtingly, seizing Soobin's expression to figure out whether he's kidding or not, "Because if he really did... holysh— that's really, really unexpected."

"I can't believe it too," Soobin says, shaking his head.

"But hey," Minhyun's voice turned more serious, strong but gentle as he frowns at Soobin, "Are you sure? I don't think the reaction will be good."

Strangely, the statement made Soobin laugh, "I'm aware," he says in between laughter.

"And it's okay," he grins, genuinely finding it calming, "People will hate on what they hate, they'll support on what they want to support. It'd die down and for now, it's okay if they react badly."

Soobin inhales slowly, gathering his thoughts and wills as he says, "I just have to live my own life, hyung."

Minhyun's concerned frown slowly melts into a smile, his hand reaches to pat his head, "Yeah, of course."

Soobin remembers Huening Kai and the younger's words the dawn he visited him in his condo.

_"You won't be happy if you'll continue holding onto things that make you sad. You always make someone smile but don't forget that you're someone too."_

Soobin caresses the bracelet around his wrist once more to feel its comfort, the cold touch was very welcomed and he feels the ghost of Yeonjun's touch as he brushes his skin with the cold silver.

True fans will stay loyal to him and Kai was right. He got to know his worth even if it gets lonely at times.

As Minhyun drove him home to his condo that time, Soobin finally, finally felt that things will be alright this time.

Inside his condo, the trophies he won, plaques and certifications, photobooks, albums, framed pictures, flowers are decorated proudly there and there's a trace of life in every part of his house. From the music equipments on the corner of the living room, to the mess of opened nutella bars and ice cream tabs on the kitchen counter— and the mirrors on the four walls of his dance practice room are traces of his hard work.

There's life and love there and the place Soobin used to feel lonely the most is where he feels truly belong right now.

This is the place he feels both ordinary yet still with the skin of the idol who was admired by many people. 

Here, Soobin can just be Soobin who is both an idol and a lover.

In the end, they both meld into one. He's a lover of music, of passion and inspiration, of dance and art performance, a fan of love and an idol who's in love, himself. With people and himself.

Yeah, that's what he is. That's the kind of person he had become.

* * *

> **[BREAKING]** Big Hit Entertainment Confirms Choi Soobin is Happily Dating
> 
> _It's official._
> 
> _Shortly, after Dispatch allegedly claimed that Soloist Record-Breaker Choi Soobin is dating a non-showbiz man, Choi Yeonjun, Soobin's agency Big Hit Entertainment denied the news with a short statement, relaying a message to media outlets._
> 
> **_“Soloist Choi Soobin is having good feelings with someone right now and Choi Yeonjun is merely a colleague and the artist and him are only being good friends with each other.”_ **  
>  _\- Big Hit Entertainment_
> 
> _When asked earlier in the day, the agency did not give a name to Soobin's lover but neither confirmed or denied that she's non-showbiz and have yet released another response._
> 
> _[+81,368, -12,000] Let's just all be happy for Soobin, soobrangdans! Whoever he's dating right now, let's just wish them the best._
> 
> _[+36,141, -24,111] when i saw the pictures, it's clear that soobin does have an intimate relationship with that yeonjun! do you just casually kiss your friend's cheek? nah, they must've been very good friends, huh._
> 
> _[+12,522, -33,219] im convinced that this man's whole career is going downhill_

* * *

"Soobin, you're on standby," a staff came to tell him and his make up artist gave his face a last retouch before deeming it enough.

Soobin takes a few deep breaths. He stands behind a huge LED screen where a VCR is probably playing.

He can hear the deafening screams of the fans opposite the screen. The lights are dimmed and he knows that a spotlight would flash to him the moment the screen slides off and there's probably thousands of people waiting for him, that'll watch him. They paid and went here to support him, to enjoy his music and Soobin feels a thrill run down his spine at the very thought.

All these people— they really came here to support him, to watch him and Soobin feels the thought comfort him even though his hands are probably so clammy, sweating so much and his heart is pounding hard against his chest, in sync with every beat of the drums.

It's been a month since the scandal. A month of hiatus, of laying low and not being able to see people— his fans, his friends, not especially Yeonjun for a while. He was grounded to stay inside his condo for weeks and while it was incredibly unpleasant, the days passed with not so much as a wink.

He communicated with them through phone calls, text messages and SNS and he worked with music during that time.

After he got a go signal from the management, the first thing he did was meet Beomgyu, which turned to a reunion, really, because in the end, Kai went too, soon followed by Taehyun— which gave Soobin a very big shock and of course, that was the first time he and Yeonjun met again after several weeks of not seeing each other physically.

Soobin remembered Yeonjun welcoming him with a tight hug and a whisper of, "I miss you so fucking much, love," the moment he arrived in Beomgyu's place.

Choking, almost crying, Soobin hugged Yeonjun back, just as tight as he buried his face into Yeonjun's neck and breathed him in, "Me, too."

Beomgyu teased him all about his teary eyes and soft spot for Yeonjun the whole night that Soobin pondered on getting back by teasing him about Taehyun— which he conveniently stopped himself from doing so since he doesn't really know what's happening between them.

But he oath to know from his best friend as he glares at Beomgyu while they're preparing dinner in the kitchen, while the rest are in the living room arguing about what movie they'll watch after eating.

"So," Soobin started, cocking a brow, "What's the fucking deal?"

"No. Deal." Beomgyu punctuated the words as he looked over his shoulders to narrow his eyes at the older, who was just sitting on the countertop watching Beomgyu do all the work, instead of helping him.

Before Soobin could prod further, nudge Beomgyu to spill, the younger gave him sharp glares that Soobin could've swore, much sharper than the knife on his hand, "There's no fucking deal."

"I don't believe that," Soobin rolls his eyes.

"I don't care."

"Come on, Beomgyu! What's the deal? And how about Kai?" Soobin actually lets himself sound worried this time because he really was, furrowing his brows as Kai's laugh from the living room rang in his ears.

Soobin saw the look in Kai's eyes when he said those words that night, those defeated shoulders and his quiet voice, _"He means the world to me. But if he's not happy with me, I'll willingly let him go."_

Beomgyu stopped on his tracks, sighing and looking deep in thought when he responds, "We're all just friends, hyung."

Soobin urged him to continue, to tell him more.

"We're all friends. Since the start, we should've just stayed as that, don't you think? So now, well, here we are," Beomgyu shrugs.

"But how about what you feel? What they feel?" Soobin frowns.

"There's no point dwelling in them, hyung," Beomgyu ducked his head down, "Feelings get you fucked."

Soobin sighed, contemplating whether to push more or just drop the subject, "Have you forgiven Taehyun?"

"He explained it to me already," Beomgyu gnaws at his lips, seemingly torned, "I'm not mad anymore but that didn't really erased all the scars, you know, and all the self doubts that manifested during that time."

Soobin stood up, grabbing the fruits on Beomgyu's hand to peel them himself, "It's okay. Take your time. Someone told me this— that you won't be happy if you'll continue holding onto things that make you sad. Forgive yourself too. I don't know what really happened but I could only hope that you'll find it in yourself to love you too."

Beomgyu watched him, smiling gently, "Woah, that's deep, where did you get all those quotes from? Internet?"

Soobin laughs at the teasing remark, "Came from experiences," he winks at him.

Beomgyu pretends to gag before rolling his eyes, "Does that apply to you too?"

Soobin stops to ponder about it for a while, finding it easy to laugh and say yes because, "I'm happy, Beomgyu."

The younger stared at him for a while with a smile on his face before rolling his eyes again and turning his attention to the task at hand, "I can see that."

Even though Beomgyu gave him a dismissive shrug, Soobin can hear the gentle delight in his voice.

Before Soobin exited the kitchen, he asks Beomgyu, "What you really want to do for now, Beomgyu?"

Beomgyu looks at him, blinking before flashing a grin, "I want to feel happy by myself before I can be with happy with someone else, hyung."

Soobin laughs at him, "That's deep, where did you get all those quotes from? Internet?" He mocks before continuing seriously, "That's amazing to hear."

When all them ate dinner that night, Soobin felt younger, like he was transported back to the days it was just the five of them. He remembered all the their troubles together, ditching classes, going to arcade, even tresspassing their school grounds at night, sleepovers, game nights, movie nights, it all came back to him. He doesn't even remember the reason of their fallout anymore as he sat there, listening to Kai tell a story about his visit in Spain and Taehyun joking about dancer's block, hearing Beomgyu laugh when Yeonjun threw another dad joke that wasn't really all that funny but the attempt was appreciated.

It was home. It was family.

Soobin used to think that it would be hard to reconnect again, to rekindle relationships that were long dead anymore but he realizes that it has never been so hard when it comes to these people.

They're no longer struggling college students anymore, they're adults, grown ups who changed along with time and it's okay. Soobin isn't afraid of changes anymore, he felt like he can finally embrace it.

They're not who they used to be years ago and maybe, just this once, change is good.

When it was just Soobin and Yeonjun, they try the hardest to make up for the lost time.

They are two souls standing outside Yeonjun's balcony, they are tens of floors above ground and there's no stars in the sky but Soobin still feels breathless standing beside one.

Yeonjun looks gorgeous. Like a star.

Soobin told him that.

Yeonjun bites his lip, rolling his eyes to hide the way he blushed at the sudden compliment but Soobin still grins because he looks pretty with that pink blush tainting his full cheeks. Soobin can't help himself but cup his cheeks and hold his face close that only further made Yeonjun more flustered.

"I know that already."

Soobin chuckles, "You do?"

Yeonjun breathily mutters a yes as Soobin gave his lips a peck.

"Thank you," Soobin imprints the words to Yeonjun's forehead as he lands a peck there and then to Yeonjun's temple.

"What for?" Yeonjun asks as his fingers slowly encircle around Soobin's wrist.

"For understanding, for always being patient, for waiting," Soobin says each word with every kiss to Yeonjun's skin, every part of his face, "For everything."

Soobin kisses Yeonjun's jaw before pulling away.

Yeonjun pecks Soobin's wrist as he says, "No need to mention how amazing of a boyfriend I am," he smirks against Soobin's skin before dropping the younger's hand.

Rolling his eyes, Soobin puts his hands instead around the older's waist, drawing him as close as possible, "Don't be too cocky."

Yeonjun responds with a bright laugh.

Soobin watches him with a smile, wondering how the fuck does he got so lucky to land himself such an incredible lover, ethereal too. He must've saved a country in his past life or something.

"What's with the stare?" Yeonjun asks him, grinning as he bops his boyfriend's nose, "It's like.." Yeonjun trails off.

"Like what?" Soobin raises a brow.

"Like you're seeing me for the first time," Yeonjun exhales the words on Soobin's lips, kissing it before moving it to his cheek.

Soobin licks his lips, "I don't know, it's just.. Sometimes I still can't believe you're here," he locks eyes with him, mumbling, "You just.. you're perfect and you deserve the best. Only the best."

Soobin stares at the way Yeonjun's lips slowly tugs into a smile, awed at the way it blossomed. It's like watching the sun rise, or like watching a flower bloom or a butterfly flap its wings. It looks like everything beautiful.

Yeonjun's smile is beautiful.

"Must be why the universe gave me you, I see," Yeonjun smoothly replies, that earned a nose scrunch from Soobin.

"You're such a sap," he pretends to complain even though there are butterflies soaring inside his chest, flapping their wings hard like they wanted their presence to be known more than they already are.

"Says by you," Yeonjun rolls his eyes.

Soobin shrugs, changing the topic because he knows Yeonjun got the point across, "By the way, I'm still wondering."

"About what?" Yeonjun gnaws at his lips and Soobin's eyes followed the movement.

"What Beau Ciel meant."

"I told you to learn French."

"I want to know it from you," Soobin reasons out even though he knows already but he still wants to hear it from Yeonjun, to hear the words come from him directly.

Yeonjun playfully sighs, pinching Soobin's cheeks, "Beau Ciel means beautiful sky."

Soobin smiles teasingly, "Why beautiful sky?"

Yeonjun pretends to think for a second before shrugging, whispering the words, "Because you're beautiful and you're the sky," he averts his eyes, "Everything else is just the weather."

Soobin opts to tease him in order to ask him the question he's been holding since the very start, "Why am I the sky?"

Yeonjun pulls away from him and Soobin lets him, staring at his face as the older tips his head to look at the night sky.

He looks back at Soobin briefly, lacing their hands together.

"Because the sky was always there. It never went away. Whether it's sunny, or rainy... it's just there."

Frowning, Soobin wonders, "And what that has got to do with me?"

Yeonjun chuckles and squeezes his hand, "Sometimes, the sky is clear, void of clouds, I used to think that it's you when you're content. When you're down, the sky cries. When you're happy, the sky is just as bright. When I was 15, I already knew I'm inlove with you and when I realized that, I was looking up at the sky and now, whenever I look at you, I remember the beautiful sky that made me realize the first time I fell for you."

Words fail Soobin as he stares at Yeonjun, speechless. He feels overwhelmed and deeply, hardly in love as he watches Yeonjun throw him a look.

"I guess, the simple reason is that— you're just as beautiful as the sky."

Yeonjun meets his eyes when he still fails to utter a reply. In the end, all Soobin was able to formulate as a response was, "Sap."

Yeonjun laughs.

Soobin kisses him sweet that night. He doesn't want to let this man go ever.

They said that before going into relationship, you must find yourself first. Love yourself before giving love to someone else. Complete yourself first before completing someone else's life. Know yourself before learning another person's heart.

Those are true, of course because how could mend someone's heart when you're shattered yourself?

But that's not the case with Soobin. Because while he's learning to love himself, Yeonjun was there.

Maybe, sometimes, people can't heal alone. Sometimes, other people are meant to complete you in one way or another. Soobin is lucky that Yeonjun was that someone to him.

Because there are times that meeting the right person can complete you or make you feel as though you are.

Soobin hears the screams again and the staffs are all in disarray, signaling him to get ready as lights turned off and the beat of the music only grows louder.

It took another two weeks after he was free to plan and rehearse a concert tour.

Now that he's finally standing on stage again, after weeks of being away from the limelight. He realizes that this is his life now. Has been for long a while.

He missed the chill and adrenaline that rushes through his veins when he's standing on stage. The burning feeling of eyes on him that was both an overwhelming— yet welcoming sensation.

**5... 4...**

Soobin thought that after the scandal, he won't be able to pull himself together again. He felt so scared that there would be no fans to return to anymore.

**3...**

Right now, hearing all the screams, the staffs' voices, the music and the hard pounding of his heart, he feels so alive more than he had ever felt.

**2...**

Soobin no longer have to put on a mask when he goes to the stage, he no longer have to get in the skin of someone he isn't anymore. Because this is him. This is Soobin. Both an idol and a lover.

There's nothing else he should be. Nothing else he had to be.

**1...**

Soobin feels a smile tug at his lips too at the very knowledge that the people he cared about are all there, waiting for him. They're here and they're going to watch him because there's nowhere else they'd rather be than here.

Soobin touches the bracelet around his wrist.

**Cue!**

The LED screen opened and the screams of the fans are much louder now. The spotlight turned to him and it blinds him for a second before he embraced the light, lets it touch every part of his body, every crevice.

He doesn't let it burn because as the music starts, he gives it his all when he opens his mouth to sing.

Soobin is happy to be so, so alive.

**(Epilogue** :

"Okay, but where are we going?"

Yeonjun quickly mutters an apology when Soobin trips. He doesn't really sound sorry and if Soobin isn't wearing a blindfold, he would've already given the older a glare because it has been the third time he tripped!

Yeonjun was originally supposed to guide him since it's his genius idea to cover Soobin's eyes while they go somewhere Yeonjun insisted to go, but he only seems to be pulling Soobin — which is a very terrible thing to do, considering that they're in a beach - a private resort - and there are literally lots of things Soobin could tripped on.

"Hold up!" Soobin stops walking and pulls Yeonjun's hand to stopped him too.

"Love, I know today's our third anniversary and you're excited — I get it! I really do but is it necessary to cover my eyes?" Soobin channels as much aegyo as he can to his voice to coax Yeonjun into taking off his blindfold because if he's being honest, the little thing is starting to annoy him.

Yeonjun is probably smiling so wide right now and he hates that he can't see that right now.

"Of course, it adds fun," Yeonjun excitedly says, pulling him again and Soobin exasperatedly sighed before letting the older anyways.

Whatever. What's a little suffering for Yeonjun's happiness.

Thankfully, for the rest of the walk (that only lasted for quiet 8 minutes), Soobin didn't fall on his face this time. Seems like gravity is cooperating to Yeonjun's plan.

The sand beneath his toes are refined and Soobin mildly realizes that he's only wearing shorts and sleeveless shirt. He's not even wearing a sleepers, barefooted — and blindfolded as he feels Yeonjun scoot closer to him.

Whispering on Soobin's ear, Yeonjun slowly uncovers the idol's eyes, "I prepared something."

Soobin slowly flutters his eyes open, blinking several times to adjust to the lights before the view before him actually starts registering. There's a candlelight table in the porch of the cabin they are checked in, stripped lights decorated lithelessly around the whole place that only adds beauty to the dusk.

The sun had long set already and the night sky was complimented with the lights and candles on what seems to be a walkway towards the table.

Soobin's lips parted, looking at Yeonjun with pure, unadulterated suprise on his face, "I -"

Yeonjun laughs at him and taps his chin to close his mouth, "I'm amazing, I know."

Soobin grins at him amusedly, letting Yeonjun pull him towards the table.

"You are," he easily agrees as he settles on the chair.

There are foods already laid out on the table, seafood and various other dishes Soobin hasn't seen before until now.

"I'm aware," Yeonjun winks at him playfully, "You're lucky."

Soobin could only do nothing but scoff.

Yeah, that Soobin is.

"I thought we agreed on not doing anything for each other this time?" Soobin cocks a brow at his boyfriend, who only smiles innocently as him.

"Oh no, I didn't remember agreeing," Yeonjun shrugs.

Soobin shakes his head and laughs.

They ate dinner, that turned out to be all cooked and prepared by Yeonjun himself, and Soobin breathlessly thanked him for with a, "Thank you, love," that sounds so, so endeared.

They've been together for a long time and up until today, Soobin still hasn't ceased falling for the man sitting in front of him right now.

There had been hard times with Yeonjun. It was a struggle keeping their relationship private, with Soobin being an idol, constantly under the attention of people and media. But they made it work. Despite all the rumors that never really saw the light.

He had heard a lot of things from people. Words from others can be quite powerful, influential that even though Soobin knows he shouldn't accept them, sometimes, he would find himself succumbing into them. But Yeonjun has always been there for him and he, to him.

It wasn't easy to be with someone like Soobin but Yeonjun stayed firmly beside him, holding his hand just as tight and always, always patient.

Soobin leans his crossed arms on the table as he tilts his head, seizing Yeonjun across table when he says, "What would you do if I propose to you right now?"

Yeonjun looks at him and freezes, almost like he's struck by the sudden question. Before Soobin could take the words back, he meets Soobin's eyes, "Why? Are you going to propose?"

Suddenly feeling shy, Soobin scratches the lobes of his ear, "It's a rhetorical question."

Yeonjun stares at him hard for few more seconds before he flashes a smile to Soobin, "I'd say yes."

Soobin stops on his tracks, blinking and gulping as the air between them shifts.

There's no music around them, but the crashing of the waves sounds like melody. It's night time but Soobin feels like everything's bright right at the moment. Yeonjun and him are not touching but their souls are touching — has been, since the start and Soobin got his feet firm on the sand but he feels like he's still falling.

Deeper.

"Marry me?" Soobin holds his breath when Yeonjun slowly nods his head.

"Thought you'll never ask," Yeonjun kids.

Soobin laughs, feeling his heart settling inside his chest.

If being with Yeonjun taught him one thing, it's that love isn't always the grandest of things.

It's not always giddy smiles, loud laughter or dates outside. It's not always the hard thumping of heart or the fast heartbeats. Love isn't always loud.

It's home. It's the smiles shared before going to bed, the looks of affection from across the room or the calming voice of each other through the line.

Love, among many things, is someone.

Soobin stares at the love of his life sitting across him, gorgeous even when he's just breathing there.

The moon walks down the sky with stars in his hands that night.

*

> _**[BREAKING/EXCLUSIVE]** _ **_Record-Breaker Soloist Choi Soobin announced engagement with his non-celebrity partner of 3_ ** **_years_ **

**Author's Note:**

> it has been a ride. thank you so much for being with me through this journey.
> 
> this was my first chaptered fic and there were lots of struggles while writing it but i had lots of fun working on this.
> 
> i just hope idol soobin and dance choreographer yeonjun's lovestory here taught you something since it did to me. /nervously laughs/ 
> 
> im still learning and grasping my writing skills so don't judge me if ever you have unsatisfied - idk - thoughts, feelings about this fic. i tried my best. really. and i projected a lot of my experiences in here.
> 
> i have other yeonbin fics as well, you can check my profile out of you want a nice, short read.
> 
> stay safe everyone. thank you for reading! please do tell me your thoughts below or in my [twitter](https://twitter.com/hueniverses), i'll be more than happy reading them!  
> r.


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